


Panther

by Skylar Lovelace (MissCitrusFruit)



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Badass Reader, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Memory Loss, Mild Language, More angst than was intentional, Reader Insert, Slow Build, Tagging as I go, Torture, Want this to be a long series, assassin reader, first actual post, whoops
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-16
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-05-21 00:38:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 75,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6031825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissCitrusFruit/pseuds/Skylar%20Lovelace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You are a bred assassin. Once your first mission has began however, you begin to question your sides. The world around you shifts as you begin to experience the Avengers side of things. However, when you meet a certain Super Soldier, things change forever.</p><p>This will be a slow building story with a bit more angst than intentional.<br/>I'm going to try and update twice a week, but life, you know?</p><p>Haha nope</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, first of all thank you for clicking this and deciding to read it. It is much appreciated. Second of all, this is a bit of a rusty piece of writing and its a bit slow at first because it is the exposition.

_One. Two. Duck. Kick. Repeat._

_One. Two. Duck. Kick. Repeat._

“That’s all for today, hit the showers,” my instructor said as he walked away signaling the end of my training for today. As I walked away, I began to shed my sweat-soaked clothes. Stepping under the chilling water, I worked the soap’s lather into my bruised skin. Every bruise, every mark is a reminder for the next day, a reminder that I had messed up, a reminder that I worked twice as hard not to make the same mistakes.

_Lather. Shift. Lather. Rinse. Repeat._

_Lather. Shift. Lather. Rinse. Repeat._

I finished my shower, and with a thud, got out of the dingy glass prison. Slowly, I put on my fresh clothes that were put out for me sometime during my shower. The clothes were not new but not quite old, just well loved. They stuck to my body and refused to give as I tried to smooth it out against myself. I took my rough towel and affixed it to my hair in a makeshift turban of sorts so it would not drip onto my clothes. My appearance was nothing to laugh at. I was vaguely attractive and with a hint of makeup, I could be the beauty that my trainer saw me as.

_Mend. Moisturize. Beautify. Repeat_

_Mend. Moisturize. Beautify. Repeat._

Everything I had trained for was going to be a waste if I did not keep myself decent looking. That meant no visible scarring, no visible bruising, nothing that would keep me from looking anything but flawless. There was no time for self-esteem because I was “flawless”. I was raised to be perfect in every way – the perfect fighter, dancer, sharpshooter, and partner. There was no time to be anything but in my line of work.

With the _Avengers_ becoming more of a threat to my lively hood, it was harder and harder to find a decent assassin these days. My siblings in training had been systematically taken away from me. They were told that they were fighting the good fight and that they would return to our Hydra base soon. I, however, was saved for special missions - the high value targets. I had never been field-tested on an actual assassination, but I had gone on countless simulations and countless missions of protection.  There was not anything I had not met before.

Three knocks on the door signaled the end of my internal monologue. I took one last look at myself in the mirror now that every bruise had been expertly covered and every hair put into place. Walking out of the bathroom, I was reintroduced to the dimly lit sterile hall that leads to the dormitories. One man in white guided me as an identical one followed with two identical firearms.

The door to the dormitories common room opened enough to let me in. There were ghosts of memories walking past me, but no real bodies to join them. The last of my siblings, Pietro and Wanda, had left me almost a year ago. There was no actual blood relationship other than a strong kinship bond forged over similar memories. Since their departure, my training time had doubled and my recovery time was reduced to almost nothing.  They had even hired me another trainer so that I would not tire out and then have to end because my trainer could not continue. Along with the increased training time came the tolerance poisoning. Every day I was injected with an array of poisons so I could build up a tolerance.

Many would be outraged hearing what I had endured, but I am not. This is my life and it is mine to own. Sure, I would have like to change some of it here and there, but there is no challenge that I have come across that I have not been able to overcome. I moved towards the couch and continued to revel in the past as my daily doses of poisons were injected into my system.

Instead of the usual nausea that came along with the shots, I felt numb. Numb to the world as the colors began to blur as my mind eased and the feeling of sleep washed over me. I heard voices distantly as they faded into the symphony of blurry colors. This was not an ordinary dose for me, but my mind slowly melted away from the anxiety that arose. I closed my eyes to try to ease some of the tension the lights were causing me.

I awoke with a start, as I did not recognize my surroundings. A man put his hand on my shoulder gently so I would not be startled. Instincts, however, had a very different plan for him as I immediately got up and twisted his arm behind his back. Simultaneously, I shoved my knee into his knees and forced him onto the ground on his stomach.

“Very good. You have trained her well. I will take her,” the masked man said as he approached me from his seat in the corner.

He paced around me as we both eyed each other taking in every movement, calculating each breath. He finally came to a stop in front of me, pulled a gloved finger out of his cloak, and placed it under my chin effectively pulling me off the man with the look in his eyes. I stood and tried to level myself to him despite our height differences.

“You will now be known as Rose Van Der Wurth, you will have the codename Panther until another more suitable one can be found, repeat these words for me.”

“My name is Rose Van Der Wurth; I have the temporary alias Panther.”

“Good, very good. Follow me, Rose. We will do great things together.”

I stalked after the strange man as he led me out of the only home I had ever known. I realized soon after that, thought had occurred, and that this was never my home, rather just a place for me to rest in between training. Therefore, as my trainer would put it, I will not miss this place because I am just moving on to the next one, finally being chosen for my mission. The mission I had been preparing for my entire life.

“Put these on, Rose.”

One of the strange man’s bodyguards handed me a skintight black suit that seemed tailor made for me. It was made out of a bulletproof material, the same ones that were worn on top of our mission clothes; however, it was more flexible and durable than the bulky vests.

“This will be your mission outfit. It is made out of the same material as bulletproof vests, but is more durable and ‘stylish’. The suit is also thermal adapting and will keep pressure on any cuts that you may sustain during a fight. Please change into it quickly as I want you to leave any remnants of your old life here. Your training has been completed and it is time to address your first mission.”

“I understand,” I replied hoping that I would get a more thorough explanation if I kept my answers vague.

“Good. You will refer to me as John Doe, or simply John. This is a pseudonym in case you are captured. Your mission it to restore Hydra by any means necessary. Your first priority is to get information on the Avengers. You will shadow them on one of their missions, understand their workings and tap into their lives. I want you to get to know them all intimately. Do you follow?”

“Yes. My mission is to understand the inner workings of the Avengers team by following their every movement on their next mission, assess the threat, record their weaknesses, and use this against them to ultimately send them to their demise and restore Hydra to power,” I replied almost anatomically eager to please my new boss.

“You are going to be a very useful pawn to me Rose. You begin tomorrow at dawn. Until then you will rest and chose your tactical gear as well as further understand the plans."

“Yes sir.”


	2. Into the Unknown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first mission begins today and brings about questions you never thought to ask. Allegiances are questioned and the circumstances have changed.

Unfamiliar surroundings met my eyes as I woke up. Shifting a bit, I remembered my situation. 

My name is Rose Van Der Wurth; my temporary alias is Panther. My mission is to bring Hydra back to Power.

I slowly rolled out of the bed and began to stretch my limbs. I looked around the room and realized I was not where I fell asleep. They must have drugged me to make a smoother location change. This small apartment was in the heart of New York, or at least that is what the pamphlet on the table said. Along with the pamphlet were several maps, guns, and communication devices. These were going to my tools to bring Hydra to its fruition. 

I put on my suit, which acted more like a second skin, before putting on my first costume – an unassuming teenager that just happened to be caught in the wrong place in the wrong time. My jeans were a little snug, but that is what American teenager culture called for. The shirt was long sleeved to cover up my second skin, but offered a horrendous geometric design that was again, supposedly popular with the American teenager. 

I walked out of the apartment and put in my earbuds tuning into the already preprogrammed Avengers communication channel. It took some hacking, but once I was able to bypass their A.I., there was nothing I could not achieve. At least, within their computers that is. Making my way to their latest haunt, which happened to be downtown NYC, I realized that I could get close enough to ask for a picture with all of them. 

I approached them after their battles and stood in the middle of the crowd as they took out their phones, I began to get current photos of the Avengers present. The leader, Captain America or Steve Rogers, was giving out autographs as I snuck a picture of him smiling. Natasha Romanov, was trying to avoid the endless men ogling her, but flashed them the only smile I was able to catch. Clint Barton was smiling at the camera constantly, even at one point making eye contact with the older woman next to me providing many opportunities. 

With almost everyone accounted for, I decided to leave early so I would not attract attention to myself. Unfortunately, fate would not have it that way as I ran into one of the other Avengers head on. James “Bucky” Barnes escaped Hydra assassin in the training squadron before my own and I had just run into him head on. Trying to play it off, I pulled up my hood and muttered my apologies as I brushed passed him. He caught my arm and turned me around. 

“Don’t be, it was my fault.” 

I hummed my answer to him, trying not to use my voice. We may have met before and it could have blown my cover if I used my voice. I ripped my arm away from him a little too forcefully, betraying my strength as I briskly walked away from him. He could have stopped me by grabbing me with his metal arm, but he did not.

He watched as I walked away because I could feel his eyes on me. I turned to look behind me as I rounded a corner and all I saw was a look of confusion. My cover as a teenager had been blown and I needed to move fast. I finished the corner and ran back to the apartment. 

Closing the door behind me, I sank to the floor trying to calm my breathing. How could I have let my cover been blown because I was not watching where I was going. It was time to change my appearance. I put in ice blue contacts to mask my natural eye color and dyed my hair jet black to change my appearance further. 

Looking back at the small table in the corner, I realized my camera was left untouched and decided to download the photos. Smiling Avengers who knew nothing about what was coming for them. I decided to spend the rest of the day, since I had so foolishly blown my cover, listening to their conversations. 

“Are we ready to get out of here, I’m getting tired of smiling,” Clint Barton remarked.  
“No, appearances outside of crime fighting are important too, how else do you think we get away with blowing stuff up,” said Natasha Romanov.  
“With my money and looks, we can get away with anything Red,” stated matter-of-factly by Tony Stark.  
“You okay there, Buck? You look a little shaken up,” said Steve.  
“Of course, just feeling a bit roughed up from this last battle. Guess I have not recovered completely. Not to mention I ran into a girl I thought I knew from my Winter Soldier days.”

Oh great, he remembers me. I have to call headquarters and tell them to send someone else out here. How could he remember me? We were not even in the same battalion. He was the favorite; the one treated the best, while I was the one doing all of the hard work and training harder than I was the one doing all of the hard work and training harder than I was the one doing all of the hard work and training harder than I was the one doing all of the hard work and training harder than all of my peers. Suddenly the phone in the corner rang.

“I understand that you are confused and that the Winter Soldier ran into you-“  
“John? How did the Winter Soldier get in the hands of the Avengers, I cannot fight one of our own. We are too evenly matched; I can fight the Widow because she is just a dancer with a knife, but not the Asset.”  
“You are trained and more refined that the Asset, he reacts on orders and impulse. Take advantage of that Rose; use it to your advantage.”  
“How does he know me?”  
“He shouldn’t, he was wiped of all memories and he was never allowed to interact with your battalion. You should know that the Maximoffs are also with the Avengers.”  
“Wanda and Pietro were captured? But how?”  
“Not necessarily captured, they went with the enemy willingly.”  
“I have to find them, bring them back to Hydra. We need them and their abilities.”  
“That may prove to be difficult, Rose. I cannot have you be captured at this time. It’s too much of a risk.”  
“I will find them. They are the last of my battalion; we need them in this fight, sir.”  
“Alright, but when you find them make sure you secure their complex and assure that it is free from Avengers before you engage. If you must, let them go. They are no longer necessary to the mission”  
“Yes sir.”

The rest of our conversation was exchange of how the preliminary mission went and where I could possibly find the Maximoffs, my only real family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

As I walked down the dimly lit streets, I found the apartment complex that the Maximoffs were rumored to have been staying in. I looked for the telltale signs that they were here and as I walked up to the building, I noticed a distinct red glow come from one of the windows. I made my way up the elevator undetected by the sleeping front desk attendant. I pressed the button that would send me to their floor as the doors closed in front of me. 

I checked my surroundings like John had asked and concluded that they were the only Avengers here. I slowly approached the door wondering what I should say to them. I raised my hand to knock on the door when I was rushed by the silver trail known as Pietro. I quickly ducked and side stepped to avoid him, minimizing the hit to just my shoulder. The red erupted from the now broken door and grabbed my arms, holding them above my head. I struggled to break the hold they had on me as I threw my legs up to counter the balance. I fell to the floor with a grunt as I spoke to them. 

“Пьетро, Ванда, это я, ваш партнер в тренировках. Вы помните меня?” I asked with as much conviction in my voice as I could muster. I begged them to remember me, remember the friend in battle that they had known and loved.  
“Как ты нашла нас? Ты должна быть мертва; они сказали нам, что ты погибла.,” Pietro practically screamed at me asking me why I was not dead. He shifted to Wanda asking her the same question, wanting to know why “they” told them I was dead. 

Wanda helped me up and into their small apartment. She began to clean my hands and the few scrapes I had sustained in the encounter. 

“Как ты нашла нас? Ты должна быть мертва; они сказали нам, что ты погибла.” Pietro asked pointedly. I could practically see the smoke of his now fueled anger.  
“Pietro, please, English. Now is not the time to be shouting at her, she has returned to us and that is what matters,” Wanda explained trying to calm him down.  
“Brother, sister, I am here to take you back with me. I know you do not know that you have betrayed your family, but it is not too late. The war is coming, your family needs you,” I tried to explain but Pietro ripped me from Wanda’s side and slammed me into the wall bruising some ribs.  
“You, sister, are on the wrong side. You are fighting for those who want to end the world. You do not get to tell us about betrayal,” Pietro whispered trying to control his anger.  
“I believe I do. You left me there. You call yourselves my family and then abandon me for a year with no contact. You join the opposing force and start to undermine the work we have done. How is this not betrayal, Брат?” I accused.  
“Wanda, get out of here and go to the tower. Tell the Avengers what is happened here,” Pietro demanded and yelled again for her to leave after she hesitated.  
“Pietro let me go. There is nothing that you need from me and there is nothing I need from you, you have made it abundantly clear that you want nothing to do with your family,” I spoke softly.  
“I only stopped looking for you after they told me you died in a failed assassination attempt. We mourned your loss, love. You will always have a place with us; family never ends in our line of work. We cannot go back there now, though. Circumstances have changed for us. You need to understand that you are fighting on the wrong side,” he speaks with the same whispered tone.  
“I fight for the side I was born under, Pietro. I do not lose my loyalty so easily. I am still loyal to you, brother, but I am also loyal to my cause.”  
“You need to leave, we will speak later. Contact us when you deem it safe, but for now, you must go they are almost here. Break my leg and then get out of here,” he lowers his voice even more as if they are right outside the door.  
“I cannot break your leg and then leave you, Pietro. It just is not fair,” I pleaded.  
“You can and you will, now make quick work and leave quickly. We will see each other again, y/n. I promise.”

I quickly broke his legs while holding his hand to help relieve him of some of the pain. I jumped out of the window and as I landed, I heard what was left of the door to their apartment broken open. I hid in the shadows next to their building until the commotion died down. I sat down and watched as the world I knew spun in ways I had not known possible.  
“Circumstances have changed for us. You need to understand that you are fighting on the wrong side.”  
What did that mean? What changed for my friends? Is there a right side if both sides have contradicting opinions? Thousands of questions flooded my mind as I slowly dragged myself home. I ran the bath and sat in it as it slowly burned my aches and pains away. I stared at the wall, taking everything that had occurred today into perspective and attempting to draw conclusions.

If I were fighting, I would fight with my life no matter what side I was on. Somehow, the Maximoffs saw a change in the situations that made them switch allegiances. Somehow still, the Asset knew me, or at the very least about my existence from his days with Hydra. I had so many questions to ask and no real answers or way of finding out without calling John Doe. I stepped out and followed my usual routine until I stepped into the main area of the apartment and saw my phone.

I redialed the number that last called me, hoping to speak to John Doe. 

“Hello, little Rose,” the voice said with an unfamiliar slur.  
“John, please I need to know what is going on. Why did my siblings change sides? How does the asset know me? Why am I the last one of any battalion? What is my purpose here?” I asked quickly trying to formulate the words just so they can get out before I forgot them.

“Slow down there, little Rose. Your siblings left us because they no longer believed in the cause. They thought that bringing unity under one power was a bad thing and decided that a thousand smaller powers were better. The Asset does not know you; he thinks he does because he has seen you and your actual blood sister. Her name was Rachel. He worked with Rachel often and they were close, when he could remember her. You do not remember her either because we wiped her from everyone that she had met so she could go on an undercover mission. You are the last of your battalion, and any of Hydra’s battalions for that matter because assassinations are a dying breed. There is no need for you anymore. I would have shot you in the head as soon as you got in the car, but you proved somewhat useful in getting information from the Avengers. Your purpose is the same as your mission make Hydra great again. Once you have served out your usefulness, you will be terminated. Do you understand?” 

“Yes, I think so.”

I hung up and began to hyperventilate. Who was Rachel? What was her mission? Why do I want to serve out my usefulness to end up terminated? More questions were raised after I tried to answer the ones I had. I grabbed what I could and ran out the door, trying to find a quiet place so I could sit.

Yesterday I knew what was going to happen to me. I had everything planned out and now. Now I had questions that most would not dream of asking. I realized I was sprinting and slowed myself to a slower jog so I could better blend in with my surroundings. It was so easy to lose myself, but not if there was the distinct sound of footsteps falling behind me. I was being followed. I kept jogging until I was in the middle of a park under a single street lamp.  
“Show yourself, coward.”  
“I can assure you that I am no coward Rachel, I thought you were gone forever. They took you away from me, from your sister, from your family and now you’re back.”  
“I am not Rachel!” I screamed as I took my pistol from the back of my pants and aimed at where the voice came from.

Two arms were raised in front of me and slowly emerged out of the darkness. One of them was normal, but one of them was made out of a shiny metal. He thought I was my sister. The Asset is here in front of me.

“Get away from me Asset, I am not here to fight with you. I am not Rachel I am here sister y/- Rose.”  
“You are with Hydra then, you have come to take me back?” Bucky said growing distant and angry. He looked to be on the verge of a mental break as his face and muscles instantly became taught.  
“Stand down, I am not here to fight you or take you back. I, honestly, right now do not know what I am doing.”

He rushed at me and I tried my best to fight back. I shot twice and only connected with him once as I hit him in the shoulder. The Asset barely noticed it as he tried to punch me. I ducked just in time and swung my leg out to sweep him off his feet. He reciprocated by grabbing my foot and throwing me into the tree. I spat blood and stood up ready for round two when one of the Avengers, Iron Man, descended from the sky to contain James. I made my escape by dragging myself across the field as I watched the Asset being contained by some large box. The box was groaning by the brute force it was being beaten with. 

In the distance as I went farther and farther away from the situation all I could hear were screams of my apparent sister’s name. I walked the rest of the way home determined to find out just what both sides of the story was after I slept. With this resolution in mind, I collapsed on the bed into a fitful night of sleep. 

Translations:  
Pietro, Wanda, its me your training partner. Do you remember me?  
How did you find us? You were supposed to be dead, love; they told us you were dead.  
Who sent you here to find us? How did you die? Why do they tell us that you died my sister?  
Brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment and let me know what you think.  
> Thanks,  
> Skylar Lovelace


	3. Captured

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything goes wrong and your position is compromised, leaving you to be captured by the Avengers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may have forgotten that this was a chapter and not a novel and written a lot. Oh well.

The sirens echoed behind me as I continued back to my apartment. After all of the questions went unanswered and more arose out of them, I decided it was best to go underground and off the radar for a bit. I wrote a note to my handler saying something along the lines of I need some time to sort life out, but I knew deep down that it would not buy me much time. I grabbed the steak knife off the counter and doused it in the alcohol that was in my medicine kit. I then shook off of the bitter liquid and began to dig the tracker out of my left arm after shocking myself to get it to stop tracking momentarily. With the tracker safely out of my arm, I began to bleach any evidence of me being there. To simulate motion, I put the tracker in my pocket as I moved about, before putting it in my bed after wiping it for prints.

 

Satisfied that the place was clean, I jumped out of the window onto the fire escape with all of my equipment. I had dismantled the cameras the day I had gotten there so there was no problem being seen. I went to the sidewalk and called a cab for myself. Once inside I instructed the driver to take me to the nearest woman’s shelter and put on a blonde wig and changed my contacts from blue to green.

 

I paid the driver and went behind the building to knock on the back door. I began to breathe quickly to increase my heart rate as I put fake tears in my eyes and took water to my makeup so it looked like I was crying. Running up to the door, I knocked as fiercely as I could until the old woman who seemed to be running the place hurriedly let me and gave me a tissue to salvage what was left of my makeup. I told her that my name was Elizabeth and my boyfriend came home and started beating me to cover up the bruises on my arms and face. I also told her that this was not the first time that this had happened and that was why I had armfuls of bags. The old woman, who I later learned was named Sara, put me in one of the rooms she had available and told me to come down once I had a shower.

 

I put all of my equipment on the bed in the middle of the room. I then grabbed the tape and put a gun under the small table, the bedside table, in one of the drawers in the bathroom and one inside my pillowcase. I then put my clothes out and began to salvage what I could from my bloodstained outfit. Feeling haggard, I put the clothing down and opted to strip in the shower.

 

Once I was sure that the water was burning away any dirt on my body, I began to strip and wash. My shoulder had bruises surrounding it and creating an angry purple halo. My back, even though I could not see it very well, was just as bruised. No matter how much makeup I used, I would have to wait these bruises out. I felt a tear slip from my eyes and I turned the water off immediately. The grime of my body had swished into the drain now as I moved to exit the shower.

 

I looked in the mirror, my face was not swollen but it definitely was discolored. My eyes were red and sad looking. I quickly dried my face and applied makeup so that it was less apparent I had been crying. I got out a long sleeved shirt and jeans to mask as many bruises as I could. I refitted my blonde wig and my green contacts and took four aspirins to help me cope with the pain.

 

I began to walk into the entrance hall to find Sara and thank her for my shower. She turned around from the pot she was stirring to look at me and assess the damage for herself.

 

“Take off the wig, you are hiding from something and this is a safe place. You do not need to change your appearance so you will not be found. Someone already came and asked for someone and I told them you were not here, now please tell me why you are here,” Sara demanded, but her eyes softening as I took off the wig which covered some of the bruises on my neck from when I hit the tree.

 

“What did they look like?” I asked quietly. Who would have come to look for me so quickly?

“A girl who looked around your age with reddish hair claimed she was your sister and thought that you might have come here.”

“Wanda. Of course she would come. I am so sorry Sara; it is not safe for you with me being here.”

“At least stay for soup, she is not coming with an army to come take you away,” she said trying to make light of the situation.

“Funny, that girl was with the Avengers, and is a personal friend of mine,” I said in a biting tone that made the old woman shrink back a bit.

“Go pack your things, if you are worried about my safety so much. I am going to finish this soup, you are going to eat this soup and then you can leave if you still deem it unsafe. Until then you are forbidden to leave this house, do you understand?”

“On what authority do you-“ I began.

“Do you understand me?” she finished.

“Yes, ma’am I understand,” I stated defeated.

 

I quietly walked upstairs and weighed my options. I had to stay for the soup, I could not disappoint anyone anymore, but I could not stay. If Wanda was able to find me within a couple of hours of me “disappearing” it was only a matter of time before Hydra came. This thought triggered something in me.

 

John Doe said that I was dead once this mission was over, which meant most likely because I had gone rogue temporarily that I was most likely going to die. If I were to join Pietro and Wanda, they would want me dead because of the assassination attempts that my siblings and I had made against them not to mention I was the last member of Hydra’s assassin team. I would be tortured if I went with the Avengers not to mention that Hydra would be trying to kill me even more if I were to betray them. The Asset knew me too, even attacked me.

 

I pulled all of the guns from their hiding spots and put my clothes back in their proper places. I put my spare set of combat gear on under my street clothes with the intent of leaving as soon as I could. Sara called me down for the soup she promised me and I went and sat at the little table for two in the kitchen after putting my bag next to the door. She turned around and saw it. While sighing, she presented me with the soup and motioned for me to eat while she served herself. I looked down at it until she sat down even though I had no intentions of eating.

 

“I know the drill, wipe down the prints, burn any clothing found and pour acid down the drains. Anything else I need to do once you leave?” Sara asked halfheartedly.

 

Once I put down my spoon and just eyed her from the small distance we shared she started again, “You are not the first person I have had come through here with a past that has caught up with them. One of them is one of the Avengers now. After she had escaped from her ballerina hell camp she came here and I nursed her back to health, made sure she was properly taken care of, showed her love and how mothers should treat their children,” she said with a hushed tone as she was reminiscing about the other person.

 

The doorbell rang and she gestured for me to go back to my room. The person at the door began banging harder and ringing the bell impatiently. Sara waited until I was safely upstairs until she opened the door. I peeked outside of the window and saw S.W.A.T. teams and an Avengers van.

 

I heard Sara scream run, as I bolted out of the window trying to collect myself before I fell to the ground. I landed with a roll and began to sprint away from the vehicles knowing I could not outrun them for long, but I could get them away from Sara. As I jumped over the fence, I felt something pierce my leg and shock me. I had been shot with an arrow that I tried to pull it out without losing time.

 

I picked myself back up and felt my combat gear tighten to help me move through the pain. The aspirin I had taken for the bruises had thankfully kicked in and was numbing me. Before I could get too far, I was tackled by someone and pinned to the ground. I flipped my legs up to hit the attacker in the stomach. Following that, I tried to flip myself over so I could get out of their hold. I was fully relying on my training at this point, acting totally based on reactions to my surroundings until I heard Sara scream. I immediately dropped down and disarmed the new attackers that had come through.

 

I sprinted back to the house to try to protect Sara from getting hurt. I would not let anyone else get hurt because of the screw up I was. As I approached the front door, I realized that I had a trail of enemies following. Diving into the door was the only way to escape the bullet hail that tracked my every move. Fortunately, this allowed me to get my weapons.

 

Arming myself as much as I could in 30 seconds, I grabbed 6 knives, 2 glocks – fully loaded, and 12 throwing stars. I threw a flash bang out of the door to try to distract them.  I came out of the door and shot all 20 bullets, knocking down the first 18 people I saw. They were not going to die from their injuries, but they were certainly not going to be getting up on their own. With a trail of body following me as I went, I now saw nothing but red. I felt myself be shot in the leg, but I did not care at this point.

 

I fended off a majority of the S.W.A.T. team and disarmed enough of them that the immediate threat was minute. I took off, adrenaline pumping through my veins, to find Sara. I turned around to find footsteps behind me as I threw one of my stars into their stomach. The person hardly flinched as they were wearing similar body armor as mine.

 

I grabbed one of my knives from my back and went to stab the person. I made eye contact and was shocked at what I saw. In front of me stood an older version of myself with slightly darker hair than my natural color.

 

“Y/n, stop fighting. Put down the knife and let me explain,” the girl said.

I immediately went to stab the girl because I was still in kill mode. She barely blocked me, getting the knife in the shoulder instead of the stomach. Her words were enough to distract me enough for someone to taze me. I had been tazed before so I was able to stay standing, but was rendered immobile. The Asset came in front of me, and looked between the girl and me. I felt myself get tazed again because it brought me to my knees. The girl whispered something into the Asset’s ear as he took out a needle and jammed it into my neck, pushing down the plunger.

 

“Whatever this is, I have been trained to resist,” I said weakly trying to remain strong and not give up.

“I could just punch you, can’t resist that,” the Asset spoke defiantly.

“It’s okay, Y/N will come with us willingly. After all, the younger sibling generally has to listen to their older sister, right?” the girl said.

“Rachel?” I asked, feeling dizzy at the revelation.

“You know, I would never hurt Sara right? She took care of me just like she was going to take care of you. The only reason I knew you were going to come here is because I came here – It is what we were trained to do,” Rachel spoke with a condescending tone.

“I do not care how you know her, you will not hurt her,” I said with, as much will I could muster.

“Relax sis, we are just taking her in for questioning. We just want to know what you told her, standard procedure,” She continued with the same vile tone as before.

“So what now, after you torture the old lady that helped you, you are going to torture me for information?”

“Of course not, that wouldn’t help anyone would it, no I’m going to ask you a very simple question and from there, we can decide what we are going to do.”

“Could you please stop being so mysterious? Please, it is really getting on my nerves ‘sis’,” I said.

“As you wish sister, now with whom does you allegiance lie?” she asked.

“I do not know,” I spoke quietly.

“What do you mean, you do not know?” Rachel prodded.

“I mean I do not know where my allegiances lie, first I go on a mission and am immediately compromised, then I learn that my siblings in training are alive and that they are fighting on the opposite side they started with, then I learn I have a sister who never bothered to look for me,” I paused looking her in the eye to watch her flinch, “and finally I was told I would be killed by my own side after my mission. I assume that I will be killed after I am done being useful on your side as well. So tell me, Rachel, what side am I on? I am dead either way and going underground gets me captured.”

 

When I finished I practically was screaming. They gagged me to prevent me from speaking out anymore. Wanda and Pietro came up and started to try to tell the crowd forming around me that I was just scared and that they would handle it. Wanda made eye contact with me and spoke in my mind.

_“Rachel is not Rachel. The Rachel you know as your sister is dead, this is the Black Widow. She is wearing a holographic mask to mimic what your sister looked like. They wanted to use someone you knew so that you would be calmer. Pietro tried to tell them that you did not know her, but they would not listen. I am sorry you had to find out this way, I am so sorry Y/N.”_

With that, she grabbed Pietro’s hand to let him know he told me. I grimaced with the gag still in my mouth as he walked forward. The Asset pushed him back, saying that I was his charge and he was not letting anyone near me. I had a bag put over my head and handcuffs put on my hands and ankle. They had Wanda pat me down and take out the remainder of the weapons I was carrying. She also assessed my bruises and whispered her apologies in my mind as well as the game plan that was coming through from her earpiece. I was being taken to the maximum-security area of the Avengers Tower and put in the Plexiglas cage meant for the Hulk during one of his rampages.

 

I gave up. There was nothing left for me to do. I had been captured and was now on the kill list for Hydra. I let a single tear fall and stain the dirty bag that covered my vision. I felt an arm stretch around my shoulder and try to pull me into them. This act of kindness went unregistered in my mind and I jumped away from the person and slammed into the wall next to me to try to get away.

 

“I’m not going to hurt you, doll. You are crying and I’m just trying to do my gentlemanly duty and comfort you. I mean after the last time I saw you and I lost it, I figured it was the least I could do,” the man said slowly.

“Asset?” I asked in the same timid tone.

“No, sweetheart, I’m not the Asset anymore. My name is James Buchanan Barnes. We can get you a new name too if you do not like yours. This is a fresh start for you Y/N.”

 

I sat there quietly begging in my mind for Wanda to come find me and take the bag off my head. Unfortunately, it was only me and the As- James in the vehicle. He did not try to touch me again the rest of the ride. He gently grabbed my hand with his flesh one and took the bag off my head once we had arrived. He led me into the building and put his arm on my shoulder as we walked in to symbolize that he was in charge of me to help ward off some of the stares I was receiving. He ushered me into the elevator and gave me a look of sympathy as he pressed the button.

 

Once in the basement floor, I saw the glass cage that was going to be my indefinite home. I put my head down and walked toward where the door appeared to be, and stood there waiting for it to be opened. The furniture in there is mostly broken accept for a single chair in the middle of the room. The door opened and I stepped inside. I sat on the chair and began to familiarize myself with my broken surroundings.

 

“You don’t have to keep the cuffs on in here, you aren’t going to be able to get out of here, doll. Trust me, I’ve tried,” James said.

“What? You give the prisoners their hands but no means to get out? That seems like a torture all on its own,” I said.

“Have it your way sweetheart, Ill check on you in a few minutes. Get acclimated to your surroundings and think it out alright,” James spoke softly.

 

With that, he turned all of the lights outside of the box off so I was in my own little halo of light. I felt my chains rustle a bit with my breathing and I began to feel frustrated because I would not let him take them off. I stood up and began to pace around the room trying to keep myself from having a meltdown. The longer I walked, however, the angrier I became.  I picked up the broken pieces of furniture and then threw them all into the corner of the glass trying to break it. At the bottom of the pile, I screamed my anger and frustration at the pieces then proceeded to throw them into the same corner as the rest of their companions.

 

I sat down in the corner opposite of the pile and nursed my bruises. The fight I was in after getting them made them angrier and my shoulders protested through my entire rage induced fit. I put my head against my knees as I pulled them up as close to my body as I could get them. I tried to steady my breathing when I heard the door shifting to get into the larger room my glass prison was in.

 

“I assume you are done, but if you aren’t I can always come back later,” James spoke with an almost audible smirk.

“Can I have the cuffs taken off now?” I asked quietly, not wanting to make my mistake widely known.

“Sure doll. Stand up and come over to the door,” he spoke with the same tone as before.

 

I walked over to him and the door. Once it was opened, I put my head down and stuck my hands out slightly forward so it was easier for him. He took a key and unlocked the cuffs on my hands and my ankles silently. I walked back over to my lone chair and sat there waiting for him to make the next move. I figured I could take my cues from him and minimize the trouble I was in.

 

“You know, it’s impolite to not make eye contact with someone. Especially, when that person brought you some food,” he stepped inside gingerly not wanting to startle me.

 

He placed the food next to me and then walked out leaving the door open. I looked at the food with contempt when he came back with a chair to sit in for himself. He put it down across from me a few feet away. He picked the food up off the floor and put it in my lap as I continued to look at the ground where it used to be.

 

“What? Do you not know how to eat?” James asked frustrated.

“She thinks it’s poisoned Barnes. Where she was, they thought it was important for them to learn how to deal with poison so they would poison the food at regular intervals. I will eat with you Y/N,” Natasha said while walking in.

 

I got up and backed into the wall, getting as far away from the woman who had impersonated my sister as I could. She noticed this and whispered into James’ ear. She looked at me once again and made her way out of the room sensing the anger I had for her. James got up and moved towards me. He gently enveloped me into a hug and stroked my hair to calm me. He sensed my flinch as he touched my head but just held me tighter.

 

_What had I done to earn this man’s trust?_

 

He pulled me over to the chair and with his eyes, begged me to eat something. He then took some of the food and ate it to show me it was not poisoned. He said something along the lines of bedding and stay with you, but I was too preoccupied watching his face for signs of poison. Satisfied there was none, I began eating once he left. I only ate a small portion of it because my stomach was sick with anxiety about my position in life. James came back with an inflatable mattress and several fluffy blankets and pillows.

 

“No one stayed with me while I was in here. It can get pretty lonely and quiet at night. I can stay here if you want. Or I can leave, it’s up to you doll. I want you to be comfortable because god knows I wasn’t,” he said cheerfully.

 

I took the mattress from him and laid it onto the ground in the middle of the room. I then took the blankets and pillows from him as he continued to watch me. I made the bed as well as I could and sat on the edge. James took the chair he was sitting in before and continued to watch me from there. I supposed that I could trust him since he was the only one that had shown me kindness other than Wanda and Pietro. I did not want to sleep with the man, despite how attractive he looked. I looked down at my appearance, bloody once again from earlier. James had noticed my distress and went out of the room again to bring me an oversized t-shirt and a pair of shorts.

 

“Let me see your bruises, I can probably get something for them,” he spoke tenderly.

 

I began to take off the suit I had been wearing to reveal where I had been shot with an arrow and my bruises had grown. Now with the pressure that my suit had provided was gone, I was riddled with pain. He told me that I had not been cleared to come out of the “glass tomb yet, Snow White” and that he was going to get a medical kit to patch me up. James returned a few minutes later with alcohol wipes and needles. He gave me the pain medication and then poured the vicious liquid on my wounds to clean them. The worse ones, like the one on my leg, he gently took a needle and thread to, proclaiming, “I’m no doctor, but this’ll do.”

 

I changed into the clothes he had given me and laid down on the mattress which shifted slightly because of its contents. I looked over to James and patted the other side of the mattress. I figured that he had sutured me and nursed me back to health that it was okay to let him sleep next to me. Plus, I had enough time being alone, it was nice to have a warm body next to me for once. I closed my eyes as he laid down and thought about everything that had happened over the last few days and then I realized –

 

“I am sorry I shot you yesterday,” I said abruptly ruining the comfortable silence.

“It’s not your fault, I was in mission mode and lost myself to the Soldier. I probably attacked you. If anything, I should be apologizing for the state of this room. I did a number to the furniture around here,” he stated.

“You do not remember what happened?” I asked.

“Nope, comes with the brainwashing, never remember who I hurt or what I did,” he said sadly.

 

With that, he rolled over signaling the end of the conversation. His breathing was now louder because of his close proximity to my ear. I stayed still for a while until I was sure he was asleep. He put his arm around me and nuzzled his head into my neck after sometime. I assumed he was in a dream because he began to softly snore. The sound of his heartbeat lulled me to sleep as he pulled me closer to his chest.


	4. New Day New Problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, life got in the way and I'm having some family issues atm. No excuse I know, but I figured I should let you know anyway. It's short, but sorry again

I woke up slowly the next morning, feeling hazy and unaware. Before I opened my eyes, I did a mental checklist of my body, assessing damage and medical attention needed. Going down my torso, I noticed an unusual weight crossing my stomach. I opened my eyes ready to fight, but when I looked at the weight, I realized it was James’ metal arm. I tried to pry him off of me, but he just held me tighter.

The room suddenly brightened now as the artificial intelligence realized I was awake. James stirred a bit taking his arm off me to drag the blanket back over his head with a grunt. I sat up and tried to get up as gracefully as I could considering the mattress had been punctured sometime in the night. 

Extending my legs in front of me, I rolled off and stood up. Slowly, I stretched my limbs out, unravelling the sleepiness that overwhelmed me. As I took my first step I let out a yelp of pain as my stitches from the arrow wound had been pulled. James stood up lightning fast, looking like a scared little boy before rushing to my side. I grimaced and put weight on it walking around to get used to the pain. I let my face relax a bit once the pain from my leg melded into the rest. 

“Just because you can walk it off, doll, doesn’t mean you can skip getting proper stitches,” James said firmly.   
“I am fine, just a bit sore,” I said just as firmly. There was no way I was going to go to the hospital here. I do not trust them with needles, or anywhere near my body.  
“Please, just come with me. I’ll stay with you, I promise. Just get actual stitches because obviously mine won’t hold,” James said pleadingly. 

I walked away from him and sat on the chair across the room facing the glass walls. I noticed a movement in the shadows and I was instantly on guard. They shifted towards the wall watching me as I watched them. James was saying something to me, but I ignored him in fear of losing the person. He walked up to me and pushed on my shoulder, which caused me to wince in pain and look at him. When I went to find the person again, they had moved to the other side of the room. 

“Show yourself.”  
“I was just trying to check on you without disrupting you. I’m sorry if I scared you, I didn’t mean to,” the Captain spoke.  
“Stevie, she refuses to get new stitches even though she ripped them out of her leg,” He spoke too loudly for emphasis because we were in a cage as he gestured down to my now blood red leg.  
“Did you offer to take her up to Bruce?” Steve asked confused.  
“Yes, and the stubborn thing won’t take it,” James responded.

They continued this back and forth argument, ignoring that I was here and could hear everything they said. I sat on the ground and began to take out the remaining stitches in my leg, planning to redo them myself. When the finally noticed what I was doing, I had all but one stitch out of my leg and a small puddle of blood below me. 

“Buck, get her to Bruce now,” Steve said quickly as James moved towards me.  
James moved to pick me up and I scooted away from him. Tearing a strip off of my shirt, I made a lightweight tourniquet. He watched me as I put it on myself and then stood up walking towards where the door was. James went to grab my elbow to help support me but when I sidestepped to avoid it, he just followed closely behind me to catch me if I fell. The door opened crisply and Steve walked towards me, trying to grab my elbow the same way James had. I walked passed him to the elevator that was now clearly marked and lit. 

“I can walk myself,” I said.  
“I know you can, doll. Just making sure you don’t fall,” James said with a smooth recovery.

We made our way into the elevator and went to the designated floor. Steve lead James and I to the medical bay as James stood close to me. He seemed to be protective of me. I trusted him slightly more since he did not try anything last night. Still, I am wary of the rest of the team since one of them impersonated my dead sister.

The medical bay was cold and sterile. I walked on the cold tile that lead to the examination chair and shivered internally. Sitting on the chair, a voice came from the ceiling acknowledging my presence and that of the boys. I got up quickly and backed away from the chair moving towards the wall. The voice acknowledged this too and asked me to calm down and sit in the chair. I looked to James with disdain and hatred, knowing that he was prepping me for mission. I felt betrayed that I trusted this man and felt sad. He looked at me knowingly, understanding what I was seeing and feeling. He shook his head slowly and went to talk to me, but I was already too far gone, too scared, to comprehend what he was trying to tell me. 

I grabbed the closest weapon, which happened to be a scalpel and began to back up into the corner where I could best protect myself. James moved closer to me hands up in surrender telling me to calm down. Steve began to do the same and I suddenly felt trapped. I panicked and ran towards them. They dodged me running, but I did not care. I ran out of the medical bay and found a stairwell to the left. 

The voice from the medical bay continued to ask me to calm down. Its repetition flooded my ears and faded into the background noise until a new voice came through, breaking the monotony. It was Tony Stark. He was telling the Avengers that they had lost me in the stairwells around the seventh floor. Immediately, the building went on lockdown and people began swarming about. I ran into the room on the seventh floor and realized that it was some sort of meeting room. 

At this point my tourniquet was soaked in blood that was now dripping down my leg. I was losing blood too quickly and I had to do something. If I were to surrender, they would experiment on me. My train of thought was unstable at this point and I began to fear the worst. The door opened to my left and I threw the scalpel at the person. It stuck in the door that they closed to block it. James then burst through the door trying to get to me. I took one of the chairs behind me and tried to throw it at him. He dodged it with ease. 

The world shifted as I grew dizzy from blood loss. I continued to try to throw chairs at the man who easily sidestepped them as I could not throw them very hard anymore. He came up to me as I was about to pass out. He walked and stood in between my legs, picking me up and setting me on the table. James applied pressure to my leg as the lights grew darker.

The rest of the Avengers came into the room at that moment with Steve leading them. James picked me up and began to take me back to the medical bay with a trail of superheroes behind him. He put me down on the same table. At this point I was barely conscious as he kissed the crown of my head. He laughed at the small twitch of a smile my face gave at his touch. I fell into the darkness as he was screaming for someone to help me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~It was the peace I always wanted but could never attain. The quiet and the darkness so peaceful to have surrounding me. The warm numbness that covered my aching bones soothed something inside me that I never knew was broken. The constant beeping, was not there a moment ago and was ruining the silence. The sharp jabs into my ankle began to replace the warmth. 

My eyes shot open in realization. I was drugged with something new; something that I had not built a tolerance to. They were trying to operate on my ankle and my various other wounds. My vision was still slightly blurry and I realized there were various needles and tubes stuck into my body at different places. The doctors realized this as I tried to test all of my limbs. James was instantly at my side cradling the side of my face with his hand. He looked worried and tenderly thumbed over my cheekbone. 

He held eye contact with me and told the doctors to finish with the surgery. His eyes held me there silently pleading for me to stay still. I nodded to him in understanding. I felt myself relax into his touch and sigh softly. I continued to stare into his gray-blue eyes. He looked more rugged than usual, hair more disheveled and stubble more prominent than I remembered. 

We stayed like this for the remainder of the surgery. They finished stitching up my ankle after repairing the tendon during my “moment”. I remembered the voice, and running away. I remembered the way he looked when I ran away from him. I flinched a bit, accidentally choking on the breathing tube in my throat. 

James had managed to negotiate the removal of all of my new attachments. When the nurses tried to take them out, however, they refused to budge. To get out the needles in my arms, they had to make a small incision to remove them. My skin was regenerating almost faster than they were able to take the needle out. 

Bruce came back in when one of the nurses told him about what was happening. He told me that he was going to have to cut my arm. I nodded to him as James put his hand on my shoulder. The incision was made almost painlessly and healed inhumanly quick. This had never happened to me before and was a strange sensation. It was the same warm feeling I felt while I was asleep.

Bruce asked me a series of questions asking about a man who went by Deadpool. I told him no to everyone of them because in truth, I did not know who he was. Repeatedly were different variations of the same question. Bruce came to the conclusion that somehow the same experiments done to him were done to me and that, because of the intense blood loss I should have died but the mutation had saved me. 

He let me mull this over and exited the room asking me to come back in a few days for some tests. Bruce did not mention that I had to rest like most doctors did. I took this in slowly, beginning to panic inside. I stood up and began to pace around the small operating room. James was speaking, but I did not hear him. I just walked faster. 

“Y/n, slow down, please. I know this is a lot to take in right now, but I can help you through this,” James said quietly as if he was trying to break me out of my trance without scaring me.   
“What happened to me?” I asked aloud to no one in particular.   
“We will find that out later, Y/n, I just need you to stop moving. Please just sit down and we can talk this out,” he stood up to try and envelope me into a hug. 

I stopped in reaction to his movements. I sat down back on the operating table and just looked at my hands. I was now unable to die according to Bruce.

“Stab me.” I asked quietly.  
“What are you talking about? I am not going to stab you,” he practically screamed.  
“Fine, I will do it. Just thought you would want to control it,” I remarked, took the scalpel next to me it, and jammed it into my stomach. The pain was slight as I was still a bit numb because of the medication they used to put me under. Suddenly, James ripped the scalpel out of my hand and out of my stomach. He pinned me down to the table with one arm and examined my torso with the other. I attempted to roll him off me, but he just choked me until I could not move.

“Don’t you ever dare do that again, Y/n. Ever, just because they think you are invincible, doesn’t mean you cant die,” James screamed in my face.   
“I am not dead yet, am I James?”  
“Not yet, not until I’m not done with you.”  
“I do not care, James. Let me go,” I asked challenging him.  
“Why on earth do you think I’m going to just let you walk out? I fought Tony to make sure that you weren’t just put into a Super-max prison. I fought Steve to let me bring you here and let me stay with you last night. I’ve had an argument with almost everyone in this godforsaken building about you. And you just think I’m going to let you go? After everything? Are you just that dense?” He was yelling at this point.

I just stared at him with a blank expression. Hoping he would just get annoyed with me and leave. He had to have been lying to me; no one had ever taken interest in me. I have always been alone. I have gotten too close; he has gotten too close.

“Let go, James. I am not your responsibility, understand? I have never had anyone ever in my life. Just because you waltz in and pretend to be my ‘knight in shining armor’ does not mean that I want that. You have never asked what I wanted. Do you want a thank you? Is that what will make you get off of me? Well, thank you James. Now get the hell off of me,” I screamed. 

He sat up putting his weight between my legs and pulled me up to sit up facing him. I knew he would not let me go, not after what I told him. Instead of fighting him and looking at him, I decided that the operating table was much more interesting and required all of my attention.

“Hey, look at me,” James pleaded as I slowly met his gaze, “You’re right, I never asked you what you wanted. I’m sorry for that. I am not trying to be your knight, doll, unless you want me to be. If you want that, I really don’t think this is the time to discuss it,” James said slyly.   
“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked, not understanding why he was saying it like that.  
“Nothing, but back to the topic at hand, you aren’t my responsibility. That much is obvious by how stubborn you are being. However, you are, or at least I think so, my friend.”

Friend was a new word for me. I never really had someone I called friend. There was only family and enemy. My family had abandoned me, and in my mind all that was left was enemy. But with James, there was something different. He was not part of my original family, he was in a different division. However, James was not part of the enemies. I mean, he was part of the Avengers that were my so-called enemies, but I did not know where I lied in the sides anymore.   
James disrupted my train of thought by grabbing my hand. He put it in between his flesh and metal hands, holding it there as a means of comforting me. I put my hand on the outside of his to give him the same gesture. We held this position for a while, just reveling in the simple touch of the other.

Through this simple contact, I realized he had trained just as hard as me, gone through the same experiences I had, abused physically and mentally like I had, and despite all that here he was. We were all a little bruised on the inside, but we were scarred. This scarring made us unique, but together we were uniquely united. I thought back to where I was once again. The endless hours, the drugs, the experiments that are now coming to light, the overall pain I was put through came back with throbbing pains. I gasped and pulled my hands out of James’ and pulled my knees close to myself.

They had warned me of this. Never get to close to a mission because it just makes it that much harder to go through with it. James looked hurt as I peeked my head out of my ball. This is why they told me to never get involved. It hurt when they were hurt. This overwhelming need to fix it for him made all of my worry and fears subside. It was scary to think that a simple facial expression made everything change for me. What did they call it? Romance? Relation? No, it started with an L… Love. They had called it love. They told me it was more powerful than anything else we knew of. I sat up on my knees quickly and tried to hug James. I had never done it before so I ended up just slamming by body and arms into him.

He understood and gently wrapped his arms around me to show me the real way to do it. I followed him and we sat there in each other’s arms until Steve came in. As soon as we heard the footsteps, we launched apart sitting as far away from each other as possible. Our cheeks tinged with embarrassment. I was happy for the first time in a while, but the feeling made me sick with worry that I was too close.


	5. Discoveries and Difficulties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With your new powers, you have to discover the extent to which they work. Unfortunately, some people don't see it the way you do.

James went on talking to Steve about my current situation. For super soldiers and killing machines, they were not really observant when they were not on a mission. I was able to walk out of the medical ward on my own. As I stood in the elevator, I breathed out a heavy sigh. The elevator music was oddly cheery and annoying as the elevator moved downwards. A single bell toll rang out signaling the Maximoffs’ floor. I walked in as quietly as I could moving around like a ghost.   
Trying to find Wanda’s closet was difficult given that it was in a bathroom off the second bedroom. I took a pair of black jeans and a mahogany shirt. Wanda and her red always had a special connection and it was almost tacky with how much she wore it. The pants were a little baggy in the hips so I grabbed a belt and found a gun sliding it into the back of my pants. A warm black jacket went over the top of the outfit and I began to make my way out.   
“Where do you think you’re going?”  
“Pietro, did your mother never teach you to sneak up on a girl?” I asked pulling the gun out from behind me to show I was armed.  
“You and I both know that I never had good manners, Y/n. But that is beside the point, where are you going?”  
“Away, Pietro, I am going away. I have gotten too close, I have been compromised. You understand. Yes?”

He was breathing in deeply as if to give me a lecture when Wanda walked in. She looked at me and the clothes I stole sadly. I figured Pietro must have called out to her when he saw me. Wanda and I had a bond similar to that of sisters. She walked towards me hand outstretched. Her hands lit up and I was on the move.

“Wanda, no, please do not do this.”  
“Y/n, please stay. I can take care of you, we can be siblings again,” Pietro said quickly.  
“No, Pietro Wanda, I am done. I cannot risk your safety.”  
“Stay, please,” Wanda said quietly so her emotions would not betray her. 

I walked passed them and out of their room. Pietro sped in front of me the entire time and I just walked around him. Wanda held my arms back as I was entering the elevator. She turned me around against my will. Tears streaming down her face, she held me there as she watched me. It hurt me to see her breaking apart in front of me and she knew it. 

“If you leave, I guarantee you no peace. I will personally hunt you down and bring you back every time. Stay here and save yourself the trouble, Y/n,” she spoke in my mind. 

Wanda stood there, her powers receding, and slowly put me back down. She could never keep up her strength when she was emotionally distraught. She turned around slowly and walked back into her room. Pietro came forward next, sharing no words. He figured that his sister had given me the same talk that he would have given. He pressed a kiss into my hairline and then proceeded to follow his sister into the room to comfort her. 

I stood alone and reentered the elevator. The thought of Wanda hunting me down was pathetic, but the intention was true. She alone did not find me, my “sister” the black widow did. I decided to spare myself the suffering and Wanda’s emotional state and headed for the basement again. The same cheery tune played endlessly, drowning out the thoughts I was having. 

Walking out of the elevator, my body grew heavy as I made my way to my familiar glass prison. It seemed fitting that I would end up here again. However, this time I was on my own accord. I gave a dissatisfied laugh at where I was. Times like these always made me wonder how I ended up in these situations. 

I took my seat in one of the chairs and asked no one in particular to turn the lights off. They did and I sat in the darkness closing my eyes. After I had adjusted to the darkness, I began to pace the room. Somehow, my new abilities allowed me to be increasingly agile and see better in the darkness than normal. My mind drifted to the new abilities.

On one hand, I was now unable to get myself killed. On the other, I could be as reckless as I wanted with no consequences. I walked to the corner where the pile of wood from James’ anger. Picking up a weighty piece of the wood, I bent it snapping it in half with some effort. Before, it was unlikely for me to break something that thick. Increased Strength – checked and recorded. 

I held the sharper of the halves of the wood and stabbed myself in the stomach again, making sure I took off the shirt so I would be able to experiment without getting in trouble and ruining my borrowed clothes. Healing was almost complete by the time I got the wooden dagger out of me leaving my skin smooth and untouched like nothing happened. I admired my torso as all of the scars that I had acquired over the years were now non-existent. I felt a sense of identity crisis without my marks. All of my hard work and trophies gone without a trace. Increased Healing and Inability to scar – checked and recorded. 

Amongst the other things I had gained was better vision and hearing. It made sense why Hydra wanted me safe and within their facility. They wanted to push me to my limits within their control. All of the experiments were meant to kill me so that their serum could take effect. The serum had saved me from all of their torture. It was only when I bled out that the serum took effect because I kept ripping the injury open and moving before it had a chance to reconnect. 

I was an experiment. They did not care about my wellbeing or me. They did not care about whether or not the things they were injecting me with would cause permanent damage because they were just trying to make the serum work. I was the last one because I was the most promising with this version of the serum. What if my siblings had all died in the trials and Pietro, Wanda, and I were the only successful ones. 

Maybe Wanda was right, it was better for me to stay here. But then again, as soon as I bled out and then healed myself, they began experiments. They put it under the guise of trying to figure out what I could do, but in reality they just wanted to know how it happened. Every scientist had the same reactions. 

The line between who was good and evil was being blurred the more I thought of it. Hydra and the Avengers were the same. Both were fighting for the same beliefs for different reasons. Both had employees thought that they were on the right side. 

I sat back down in my chair, grabbing my shirt, and putting it back on. I shifted uncomfortably. Anxiety crept into my body, poisoning my thinking and melting the small voice of logic. I sat there alone in the dark, feeling the emptiness and the energy flowing through me. My head begged me to move, but my muscles refused. 

The ceiling voice picked up on my erratic behavior and turned the lights on. This startled me enough to allow me to move into the corner. Carrying the wooden dagger still stained with my blood, I hunkered down in the corner watching the door. My mind raced without me forming incoherent thoughts. 

“Y/n? Are you in here?” a familiar voice asked.   
“James?” I asked timidly.   
“Yea, it’s me. What are you doing in here? You are allowed to come out you know.”   
“Wanda said she would hunt me down if I left. I figured I would save the resources and stay down here,” I said nonchalantly, trying to hide the bloody dagger behind me.   
“Why are you doing this?”  
“What do you mean, what is this?”  
“Why are you playing the game this way? Normally people like us would fight to get out of captivity. We would fight to get back to our side, but you, you act like you don’t care, doll. Did they hurt you, is that why you don’t want to go back sweetheart?” James continued to babble on trying to make sense of it in his mind.

The genuine concern showed in the lines of his face. He looked like this was puzzling him for a while now. To be quite honest, I did not understand why I was not fighting. I summed it up in my mind that I would be captured, experimented on, and tortured just the same no matter what side I chose. I let myself fade out of the conversation James was trying to have with me, lost in my own thoughts. 

James knew that I was not listening him. He reached out to me with his hand trying to grab my own to calmly bring me back to reality. I did not want to leave my mind, it was quiet and safe in there. James, however, had a different plan and took my other hand is his as well. I refused to acknowledge him because that meant that I was going to leave.

Everything inside of me was divided. Parts wanted me to stand up and run out of the room, run away, and hide myself from Wanda and just fade from everyone’s memories and existence like my sister had. The other side of me wanted to grasp James’ hands back and listen to him tell me everything would be okay. He pulled me into him to comfort me. I let myself go, becoming a ragdoll.

“Do you want to come out of here? It’s okay, you know? You can stay with me. If you’d like that is.”  
“I do not know, will Wanda be mad at me? Could you please let me go?”  
“I don’t think Wanda will be mad and I am not letting you go until we can come to a consensus, you are still in the building so …” James ended abruptly.

His hold on me was no longer gentle and comforting, but instead it was tight and bone breaking. I tried to wriggle out of his grasp and back away from him. He must have been triggered by something and gone into the Winter Soldier’s headspace. He stood up as I pushed against him. I fell to the floor with a thud, feeling the pain melt away.

“James, what are you doing?” I asked calmly. 

He walked over to the corner that I had been sitting in and grabbed the bloodied stake. Grabbing it off the floor, he walked over slowly towards me. An angry snarl masked his features as I began to back away from him. James began to move quicker towards me and I bolted out of the glass prison. 

Once I was on the outside of the cage, I slammed the door shut and activated the locking mechanism. James noticed what I had done and started to slam his metal arm into the walls to break them. He started screaming at me, asking why there was blood on the dagger, what I had done to myself. I backed out of the room leaving him there. A singular scream rang out telling me that I was told not to hurt myself anymore. 

“You do not control me, James.”

I walked out quickly after that because of his rage. Walking down the hall felt awkward now as I was briskly walking away from James. I needed to find the Captain and tell him what I did with James so he would not be there so long. 

The corridor containing the training room was brightly colored and almost cheerful. The ceiling voice alerted the Captain of my presence as soon as I stepped foot into the room. The man stood there shirtless with several gutted dummies in his path as he walked to me. He looked curious and confused as to why I was in there, but content that I was there alone.

“Y/n, I’m glad that you are out of surgery and looking well. Did you need something?”   
“Yes, Captain, I have locked James in the glass holding cell.”  
“You what? Also please call me Steve.”  
“Steve I locked James in the glass holding cell.”  
“Yea, got that the first time, Y/n.”  
“If you “got” it the first time, why did you ask again?”  
“It’s just something you say when you are shocked by news. I guess you didn’t learn common English.”  
“That is besides the point, I need you to let James out.”  
“Why did you put him in there in the first place?”  
“He saw my bloodied dagger and then he started screaming, so I locked him in.”

At this point, Clint walked in laughing hard as he obviously listened in on our conversation. He pointed at me and then at Steve, then back to me. Clint began to double over as he saw the confusion on my face. Steve said that he would release James from the cell and give me time to hide. 

“You can come to my room, Y/n, Clint by the way. However, I think you know that.”  
“Will I be safe, in your room that is?”  
“Safer than in here, I can guarantee that.”

Clint motioned for me to follow him as he walked perkily out of the room. I stalked behind him down the corridor, trying to make sure that James was not lurking in some corner. We came upon a door and entered inside of it quietly. Clint told me he was taking a shower and that I was welcome to sit on the couch and watch tv. 

I sat down and thought about what James would say to me when he eventually found me. He was angry, angrier than I had seen most people ever become. But why? Just because I had stabbed myself? We both knew that I was going to heal, I just wanted to check how quickly. Is that wrong?

A knock on the door ended the internal questioning. I jumped and hid in the closet next to the kitchen. The knocking continued until the person let themselves in the room. The heavy steps indicated it was a man with a heavy build. My heart raced as I could smell the musky sweat of the man. James was in the room. He knew I was here. 

Clint walked into the room just as he was about to come to my corner of the room. Clint asked James what he was doing, but he responded that he was just looking for something he thought Clint might have. Every word he said indicated he knew I was here.

I took in a big breath, ready to face James, and stepped outside of the closet. James stared me in the face as he walked towards me. Firmly grabbing my wrist, James lead me out of the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment and let me know if you liked it or any scenarios you would like me to try and write in.  
> \- Skylar


	6. Making Discoveries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After getting scolded, James decides its time for some ground rules to be set. However, you decide to charm your way out of it. A cute bit of fluff leads to Tony making some discoveries. You are still blissfully unaware of what is going on or what is happening around you. Change terrifies you, but do you see this one coming?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys commented asking for more, so I am doing just that. A lot of fluff just warning.

I was pulled along roughly as James lead the way. He had not said a word to me since I revealed myself. He pulled me into the elevator and aggressively slammed the button to a floor I had never been. Once the door was securely shut and we were ascending, James flipped a switch and turned the elevator off. 

I backed into the corner of the room. James stood in front of the switch so there was no way that I could get out. The room felt like it was getting smaller by the second. I sat on the ground trying to make myself as small as possible. It was customary in my training to do so to give my superior the room instead of myself. 

“Why?” James asked impatiently.  
“You are going to have to be more specific, I have done a lot of things lately.”  
“Don’t be cute with me, Y/n. Why did you lock me in there?”  
“You were angry.”  
“Of course I was angry.”  
“You were not you. You were different, I was concerned that you may try and stab me like you had before when you were in the Winter Soldier’s mode.”  
“Okay, fine. Understandable. Why did you stab yourself?”  
“Simple, I wanted to see how quickly I would heal.”  
“Simple. Simple? We have ways, Y/n. Ways that are safer to test things like this.” James scoffed.  
“I am fine, James. Look” I said as I pulled up my shirt so he could see there was no damage.  
“No, this isn’t right. You can’t go around stabbing yourself to prove you can heal.”  
“But I can heal, James. You are not listening to me.”  
“No, I am listening to you. You are saying what I said when I was the Winter Soldier. Always trying to be the best, the toughest, the strongest, bravest. You name it, Y/n. I wanted to be it.”

James was beyond angry at this point. He was frantically pacing around the tiny room, clenching and unclenching his hands. The small room bounced with his steps and the oxygen became thinner as he breathed heavily. He looked to me several times. But after meeting my eyes, he just sighed and continued his pacing. 

“I can’t do this.”  
“What do you mean James?”  
“I can’t do this, Steve was right.”  
“What was Steve right about?”  
“Steve said that I was still recovering and I should not take on another project until I am ready.”  
“Is that what I am to you? A project?”  
“No, of course not. Jesus, this is turning out wrong. I just…” James paused.  
“Look, I get it James. You do not have to explain. I know when I am not wanted.”  
“Y/n, stop, please.”  
“I understand, James. You cannot handle me and maintain yourself.”  
“That’s not what I meant.”

I got up and moved towards James. He was still pacing at a hurried pace and was beginning to pull his hair. I grabbed his hands from his head and held them in mine like he did to calm me down. He dragged me to what I thought was his room. I gently nudged him to sit on the couch. James followed me and sat next to me with his head down.

“James…” I spoke quietly.  
“I have to help you,” James said softly.  
“No, James, you do not. I can handle myself. I have been for a long time.”  
“I should be able to handle this.”  
“You do not have to. Take care of yourself.”

James looked up at me with pain pooling behind his eyes. He took one of his hands from mine and cradled the side of my face. This time I did not flinch but gave him a small smile. He breathed a sigh and rested his hand back on the outside of my own. James pulled me closer to him and put his head on my shoulder smelling my hair.

I felt uncomfortable, but this seemed to be normal for people to do. I leaned back into him feeling his warmth spread across my back. He made room for me and moved me to sit in between his legs. I felt his breathing slow down. I was afraid to move because I did not want to startle him from whatever trance he was in. James moved us back to lean on the arms of the couch. His arms came around me protectively and my body went stiff.

No one had ever been this close to me and not tried to kill me. I heard James grunt a bit and wiggle me to get me to loosen my muscles. I gradually let the taught feeling recede but kept myself vigilant nonetheless. I looked up at James to see that his eyes were closed. For the first time, his face looked serene and at peace. James was sleeping peacefully. I took this chance to memorize his face and think about life. 

We stayed like that for some time. I eventually began to feel more comfortable with the situation. The time seemed to stand still but the clock continued to march on meaning time was in fact passing. James began to stir beneath me and his breathing quickened a bit. His eyes opened and he gave me a sly smile when he realized that he had fallen asleep with me on top of him.

“Good morning. Sorry, didn’t mean to fall asleep while cuddling.”  
“That is okay, James.”  
“Thank you though, it was the first time I slept without nightmares.”  
“No problem.”

I sat up realizing my job was done. James pulled me back again and kissed the crown of my head. This time I did flinch and he chuckled softly to himself. 

“Bucky.”  
“What?”  
“You can call me Bucky, everyone else does.”  
“Maybe. I do not want to be like everyone though. Perhaps Jamie?”  
“Perhaps not.”  
“You will get used to it I suppose, but for right now, you can be called Bucky.”  
“Anyone ever tell you that you are stubborn?”  
“No.”

James sat us both up so we can have an easier time looking at each other instead of gazing at the speckled ceiling. He continued to hold me against him. The grip was not harsh or painful, but rather it was just a light hold. 

“We need to set some ground rules,” James said breaking the temporary silence.  
“Ground rules? What did I do to need ground rules?”  
“You stabbed yourself in the stomach with a wooden dagger. Don’t think I forgot about that because we cuddled. I may be old, but I’m not forgetful.”  
“I told you that I needed to find out what happened. I still do not know why but I have a feeling it had to do with the tolerance training.”  
“Still does not mean you get to stab yourself.”  
“I figured it out though.”  
“I don’t want you stabbing yourself, no matter what the reason is.”  
“You do not have to micromanage me, Jamie.”  
“Don’t you Jamie me. I am not micromanaging you, I am making sure that you are staying safe.”

James’ stomach growled loudly, startling me. I jumped a bit and jumped out of James’ arms to the other side of the couch. He smiled slightly at my reaction. 

“Guess we should go downstairs to eat?” James said.  
“I’m not all that hungry.”  
“Nope, we are going to eat. You have no choice in this matter because last time I checked, you have not eaten in some time.”  
“It’s been about a day, but I really do not want anything.”  
“I make a mean pasta, and like I said earlier: you don’t have a choice.”

James grabbed my arm and pulled me with him to exit the room back towards the elevator. The distance there seemed shorter and James continued to pull me until we reached the kitchen, pushing me into one of the stools that sat next to the island. He put water on to boil and began to cut tomatoes.  
A cutting board, knife, and various herbs were put in my hands. 

“This knife is for cutting, not for stabbing yourself,” James said sarcastically.  
“Are you sure? I could have sworn that I was supposed to stab myself at every opportunity.”  
“Funny.”

We continued to cut the various herbs and vegetables that would go into the sauce. As I finished the last of the oregano, Bucky took them from me and began to wash the dishes. I protested asking him if I could help, but he just chuckled at me and continued. The water began to boil on the stove behind him. I moved to put the pasta in the water but James just glared at me.

Something about him cooking changed how he reacted to what I did. I could not touch anything unless I was given permission and direction. He seemed to think that I was some sort of delicate doll, too fragile to let out of sight. I grabbed a bottle of wine out of the chiller in the island. Putting it down to grab glasses, James took it off the counter. After opening it, he placed it back down on the counter taking the glasses from me in one smooth motion. He poured the wine into the glasses and handed one to me. 

I opened my mouth to protest, but a pouty look silenced my words. James put the silver wear into my hands silently asking me to set the table. I obliged, happy to finally do something to contribute. He let the pasta drain in the colander and brought the sauce to a quick simmer. While the sauce finished, he placed the pasta into bowls and used some of the leftover herbs as a garnish. The sauce was then intricately placed on top.

He motioned for me to sit at the table. Once he saw that I was sitting comfortably, James pushed my chair in for me. Balancing the bowls in one hand while his other cradled a set of candles, he placed them all on the table. Lighting the candles and placing the bowl in front of me, James nodded for me to start eating. 

The food was really delicious. I looked up to James to thank him, but he was already smiling at me. We ate in a comfortable silence, occasionally sharing a glance or a small smile. It was nice to just be surrounded by James’ presence instead of the normal bitter silence. 

“Thank you, James.”  
“You’re welcome, Y/n.”  
“Careful there Frosty, you seem to have a bit of a crush on our new friend here,” said Tony as he walked in ever so flamboyantly.  
“Why do you want to crush me, James?” I asked confused.  
“Oh this is just too sweet, she does not understand slang does she? No sweetheart, he loves you.”  
“This is not the time, Tony,” James said defensively.  
“So it’s true then? Frosty does have a love interest. For a second there, I thought you were gay and after Capsicle, but no you just needed your own fixer upper.”  
“Are you drunk, Stark?”  
“Perhaps a little tipsy, but nothing I can’t handle.”  
“Jamie, what’s going on? Who is your love interest?” I asked even more confused than I was before.  
“Jamie? Did she just call you Jamie? What happened to your tough guy act, ‘Jamie’?” Tony mocked.  
“Stay out of this, Y/n,” James said all too quickly.  
“I think I am going to go wander around a bit then. You boys can talk, whatever this is, and I will catch up with you later. Sound good?” I asked, desperate to get out of the escalating situation. 

Tony threw me a set of keys to a bedroom explaining that this was going to my room for the time being. He also instructed JARVIS to take me there and help me with the various locking mechanics of the building. I waved my goodbyes to the men, but when I waved to James, he grimaced clutching tightly to the table. They continued to argue for quite some time as I made my down the hall. 

I soon came upon my room and watched as the door slid open before me. The walls were painted a lavender color. It had a small kitchenette with black and white accents that complimented the lavender color scheme. All of it had a very modern touch that made it seem almost two perfect. The living room had a large white sofa in the middle of it and a plush lavender carpet. The flooring was a white wood that seemed to tie the room together. Several pictures of flowers and a fireplace took up different parts of the room. 

A small corridor caught my attention next. I followed its winding pattern into a large bedroom. The bedspread had the same lavender that covered the walls with a black satin trim around the edges. Carpeting that matched the rug under the sofa covered the flooring. The bathroom lead off of the main bedroom. It contained a large corner bath, shower, toilet, sink and a large closet that lead off to the side. A handprint panel was inside the closet. Once activated with my handprint, it opened up a small weapons drawer that had yet to be filled. 

I flopped down on the bed taking in the scent of the bleached sheets just beneath it. I requested JARVIS to put on some classical music. Clair de Lune began to flow from the ceiling. I hummed along to the music as I began to memorize the room’s smaller details. Distances from walls to cabinets and drawers and seating were mentally recorded. Closing my eyes, I began to move around the room gracefully trying to make sure I had everything committed to memory. 

Moving from the coffee table to the top of the couch to the top of the stereo case, I leaped back and forth making sure that I can move while I was blindfolded. JARVIS mentioned something about someone coming up to see me, but I drowned it out as the music came to a crescendo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to take a more innocent reader route because you were not really exposed to the real world and all of the slang. This is the main reason you do not use contractions, but everyone else does. As you become more solid in the team and this world, you begin to change how you use your words. 
> 
> Please comment if you have any scenes you would like me to add in here. This is still a very much open ended plot line other than a few major plot points. That means I am open to side stories. 
> 
> ~Skylar~


	7. Vices and Virtues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone has their vices and virtues right? Delving further into your new abilities, you come into a small obstacle but have James to overcome it with. These vices however, may turn into a new ability.
> 
> Idek this is such a bad way to have a summary I dont know what im doing help me

“Your form is a bit loose, try tightening your right arm and lengthening your left leg,” the voice said as it entered the room. 

The music ended as the person spoke. I brought my body in on itself to end my makeshift dance. Looking up at the person, I realized it was the Black Widow, Natasha. I sighed heavily and walked away from her. She followed me giving me an equal huff. I sat on the couch and stared at her as she copied my movements. 

“I have gone through the same training as you have, I know what you feel,” she started slowly.  
“Do you though?” I asked incredulously.   
“I do, I promise. I even went to Sara when I escaped. It’s how I found you,” she continued.   
“Sara, is she okay?”  
“Sara is fine, a little shaken up and a bit upset that you didn’t finish the meal she made for you.”

I just looked down at the couch cushions and played with a loose thread on my pants. Natasha just stared at me. I knew she had something to tell me, but I was not very interested in what she had to say because I was still a bit bitter about impersonating my sister.

“Bruce wanted to run some more tests. You weren’t responding to JARVIS and Bucky wasn’t with you. I know I’m not the best option, but he needs the tests done,” Natasha said firmly.   
“Alright.”  
“I never meant to hurt you, Y/n. I was just doing what I was told. I had to get you out of there because if I didn’t Hydra would have found you and hurt you in more ways than you have ever imagined.”  
“Thank you,” I said quietly. 

Satisfied by my response, she made her way out of the room. I could feel her gaze linger on me as she stood in the doorframe. Natasha walked away quietly after that. I stood up slowly and smoothed the wrinkles from my clothing. I was feeling a little bit dingy because I had not changed in some time. I decided on a hot shower and stealing another pair of clothes from Wanda.

The elevator ride was never going to be comfortable alone, but was surprisingly quick. I almost ran to Bruce’s laboratory because I did not like the cast openness of the building. The door could not open fast enough so I pounded on it until it did. I then to Bruce’s amusement walked calmly into the much more crowded room. 

I sat on the cool metal table and waited for Bruce to get started. He eyed me as I sat there swinging my legs back and forth. He told me the tests he was going to do which included scalpels, vision, hearing, and thermal tests. I nodded and waited patiently for him to get started.

Vision tests were always easy for me, but now I had 40/40 vision – double the distance that normal people were able to see with the naked eye. The hearing test followed, I heard a few decibels above and below the normal hearing levels, but I was able to hear more faint sounds than many. Thermal tests were something I had never gone through before, and I was a bit nervous.

Being in the heat was very uncomfortable, but I was not sweating as much as I should have. In fact, when I asked Bruce how high he went, he said around 700 degrees was all he was going to test because that was all the machine could handle. He gave me a bottle of water to drink in between the thermal tests, which I happily drank. 

The cold was actually surprising refreshing. I felt like my muscles were all awake for once. Bruce slowly brought the room back to a normal temperature. When I came out, I caught my reflection on a reflective surface. I had several ice crystals on my eyelashes and hair. They looked very beautiful against my dyed-black hair. 

All that was left now was the regeneration test. I explained my findings to Bruce when I stabbed myself with the wooden dagger. He smiled and said we would have to do the test anyways. JARVIS then mentioned that James was on his way to find me. Bruce waved it off, but I knew James had figured out about me getting the tests done. 

“Bruce, could we do the cutting test later?” I asked too quickly.  
“Is something wrong?” Bruce asked gently.

As I was about to dismiss it as James walked in. I jumped away from Bruce almost falling off the table in the quick movement. James looked at me curiously, but I gave him a sideways smile. He knew something was wrong, great.

“What are you up to, Doc?” James asked.  
“We were just doing some – talking…” Bruce responded after seeing my face.  
“Well, if you guys aren’t done I can come pick her up later,” James said.  
“No, we are just about done. Take her. We can talk later, Y/n,” Bruce said. 

I leapt off the table and ran out of the lab. James came behind me quickly, grabbing my arm to slow me down. I did not feel the panic when I was with James that I felt when I was alone. I made a mental note to ask him about it later. 

We decided on going to Wanda’s first and taking more clothes. I saw Tony on the way to stealing the clothes and asked him to let me go shopping sometime. He saw James standing behind me and started laughing. I did not understand why, but he agreed as long as I had “Jamie” with me. We continued on to Wanda’s and took a pair of leggings and a flowy white blouse. 

My room was just how I had left it: empty. Despite it being so empty, the grand size and the fact that I could call it my own made me happy. I went into my room and turned the shower on so the water could get warm, forgetting about James entirely. 

As I went back out into the sitting area, I saw James just laying back on the couch watching and smiling at me. He seemed content on waiting for me to finish my shower, so I smiled at him. Told him to help himself to whatever he could find. James nodded to me, so I left the room. 

I walked into the now hot shower and stood there. The water burned as it was exposed to my skin. Shaving, and washing quickly, I was done in a matter of minutes. I ran my fingers through my now wet hair, attempting to dry it with the towel. I looked into the mirror and adjusted my part. After noticing how I had let myself and my hair go, I decided to call upon Wanda for a girl’s day at some point. 

I changed into the clothes I had taken from Wanda and walked back into the main room. James was sitting right where I had left him watching t.v.. He turned to look at me and smiled. Patting the seat next to him, James gestured for me to come sit next to him. 

I pulled my legs up to have them underneath me as I sat next to him. We watched some program having to do with two brothers and an angel saving the world and hunting things. They said that it was the family business and I wondered if they were assassins like we were, but James said that they hunted monsters.   
JARVIS notified us that Tony wanted to see us both in the main meeting room so that I could be properly introduced to everyone. James sighed heavily grumbling something about having met all the important people already and messing up the quiet time. 

Nevertheless, we got up and walked to the meeting room in a comfortable silence. James was being a perfect gentlemen and making sure I got there safely and holding all of the doors open for me. We sat in the meeting room at one of the chairs in front of the big table. People began to trickle in slowly and all sat down at predetermined spots.

Once everyone came in, Tony and Steve entered and took their seats at the heads of the table. Everyone exchanged nods and the whispering died down to a deafening quiet. Nick Fury, their supervisor walked in with style and the lights dimmed so that the image projected in the middle of the table. 

“Alright everyone, we have a new member that many of you have already met. This is Y/n, codename Panther,” Fury stated firmly. 

A hologram of my body appeared in the middle of the table along with a scrolling list of all of my previous missions and kill lists. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.

“As you all can see, she has an impressive track record. Dr. Banner has cleared her for battle and we have all of the medical records that we will need. Her Hydra base is growing fast and has captured 50 children to experiment on much as they did with the Maximoffs,” Fury continued. 

I gasped a bit knowing that they had perfected the serum and would be systematically trying to inject these children, kill them, and breed an army of obedient super soldiers. James looked at me concerned but I shook my head and waved him off. I was more focused on getting to those children.

“Y/n here has intimate knowledge of all of the people that work there as well as the building plans. We have gotten the layout of the building, but we do not know where everything is, that’s where you come in Y/n,” Fury gestured at me,” You are going to give us the layout in more detail as well as the people that work there.”

“I do not know their names and have barely seen their faces. Most of the time we all wore masks,” I said.  
“Great, we captured her and she is useless,” Tony sighed.  
“She is not useless Stark, that’s one more super soldier that cannot die,” Steve said.  
“If she does not know the names, and she does not know the face half of our op has gone bad and we haven’t even started the mission yet,” Tony continued.   
“I thought we were focused on getting the children out,” I asked, angry that I had become useless.   
“We are, Y/n, Tony is just focusing on other aspects of the mission,” Natasha stated.   
“Don’t baby her Red, she needs to face the facts,” Tony scolded.  
“What facts?” I seethed.  
“Stark, stop,” Fury chided.   
“The fact is we can’t save everyone. Most of these missions the experiments are killed before we get to them,” Tony became snarky and I was furious at him.  
“Is that what we are to you Stark?” I asked incredulously, standing up, “Not all of us can hide behind suits like you can.”  
“At least I’m still human. You are just a genetic accident,” Tony said quietly.   
“Tony, Y/n, stop right now. We are not going to have this conversation now, or ever for that matter. We are a team and we accept each other as we are,” Fury practically screamed.   
“Tony, how many times have I told you not to come to these meetings drunk,” Wanda said.   
“I’m NOT drunk, I am hungover. The only way to fix a hangover this bad is to have more booze.”  
“Wanda, don’t get involved with him. He is a sad drunkard and just wants attention. It’s a cry for help if it’s anything,” Pietro said while glaring at him.  
“Do you want to go, Speedy? I may not be able to hit you, but JARVIS can,” Tony said. 

Guns came out of the wall and aimed at Wanda, Pietro, and me. I jumped into action taking the table and flipping it over and dragging it against the wall in one swift motion. Everyone hesitated but then jumped behind the table. Pietro ran with Wanda and got her out of there. Tony’s suit came through the wall and attached to his body.

I tackled him but he punched me in the face with his metal hand. Reeling back, I jumped to my feet again feeling my bones reconnect and shift. I was furious now. I did not know it at the time, but my anger caused everything in the room to begin to levitate. 

Tony was now fully suited up and I came at him with everything I had. I managed to pull his leg’s plating off. I was now just relying on my training. The guns in the wall were now trying to shoot me to take me down, but whatever had the others levitating was now freezing the bullets. Everyone was now forced against the wall by whatever force was holding the bullets.

I came at Tony again, but this time he punched me in the stomach. I coughed up some blood on the ground. Tony’s suit was now having to try to resist the energy I was putting off. I was the only one that was left standing on the ground. I came at Tony once again, pulled his abdomen’s plate off, and kicked him hard in the stomach. 

With all of the energy I had exerted, I knelt down on the ground. Tony flew up, kicked me down to the ground, and began to punch me mercilessly. The others had been screaming for Tony to stop this whole time, but neither of us heard him. A swift kick to my head had everyone and everything falling to the ground, but not with a last ditch effort. 

The table flew and smacked Tony into the wall, effectively pinning him to the wall. I laid there and felt my skin start to burn as it mended itself. My ribs and spine were broken in the fight and loudly snapped back into place. I screamed out in pain and just held myself as everything turned to white temporarily. 

The pain subsided instantly after a few seconds and I stood up slowly. I smoothed down my blouse and walked over the broken objects in the room. I gave my apologies, but everyone just looked at me in fear. I turned around into someone and I apologized again.

It was Pietro. He just stood there holding me for a second before speeding off with me in his arms. I began to shake a bit from the exertion. The fact that I was beginning to cry was certainly not helping. He took me to Wanda’s room. 

She stood up after looking up at me. Wanda ran to me, held me in her arms, and whispered calming phrases in my mind. She read my mind to find out what happened and just held me tighter. I was scared. I was not supposed to have telekinesis. Wanda gently lowered the both of us to the floor and continued to hold me. 

James came bursting through the door then, seeing me on the floor in Wanda’s arm. Both of us were emotionally exhausted and quietly whimpered. Pietro talked to James and filled him in on what he could considering he could not hear our conversation. 

Pietro talked Wanda into going to bed. She whispered to me saying that she and I should both sleep to get our energy back. I nodded to her and let go of her, opting instead to hold my legs to my chest. James came over and sat next to me, picking me up and putting me into his lap. 

I grasped onto him and held him close like I had Wanda. I was so tired of being so emotional over everything, but everything was changing so fast I could not keep up. James rubbed my back to get me to calm down.

I do not remember getting back to my room, but I did. I snuggled into my comforter and rolled over to find that James was lying next to me asleep. I stared at him as I did when he was asleep on the couch. He had the same peaceful face. 

James felt me shift and opened his eyes. Smiling at me, he pulled me towards him. He tucked me under his chin. James was so warm and I felt so safe. I remembered what my trainers had to say about loving someone and I was concerned that either one of us had fallen for the other. I did not really know what I was feeling, but I knew it was some type of affection. 

“Fury wants us to meet with everyone minus Tony again tomorrow and Bruce needs to run a few more tests after what happened,” James whispered.  
“Okay,” I said matching his tone.

James dragged his hand over his face and sighed. He looked down at me and smiled again. 

“What?” I asked.  
“Nothing, what time is it.”  
“umm… I think it is about 1 in the morning,” I asked.  
“Want to go back to sleep then?”  
“I guess so.”

James pulled me even closer to him and then nuzzled my shoulder. It was a bit warm being so close to him, but I managed. I felt safe in his arms for once, like nothing could hurt me. Closing my eyes and feeling safe was a new feeling, but a comfortable one. 

 

I felt someone trying to move me so I woke up but did not open my eyes. Something metal touched my skin and I knew it was James. I opened my eyes slowly and watched James. I caught his attention with the changing in my breathing pattern and I watched as he smirked.

“Sorry I woke you doll, didn’t mean to,” James said.  
“It is fine, Jamie,” I answered slyly.  
“Don’t think I am ever going to get used to that.”  
“As long as you will respond to it, it should be fine.”  
“Anything for you, doll.”  
“Why do we have to get out of bed? I was so warm with you next to me,” I asked.  
“Fury wants to finish the mission brief and Bruce wants to run some more tests.”  
“Oh.”

James pushed the covers off of me and pulled me to my feet. I looked up at him grumpily to which he just kissed the crown of my head. I smiled and then sauntered off to the meeting room. James followed behind me into the probable train wreck.


	8. The Panther Reborn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your first mission with S.H.I.E.L.D.: take down the base that you came from. Overprotective James comes out a bit and complicates things.

The rest of the mission debrief went on without a hitch, thankfully. Tony and I stared at each other constantly making sure the other knew their place. The mission was simple: destroy the base, capture any people and bring them back for questioning.

I was told we would be leaving within the hour so I hurried up to my room to get my gear. My mission suit had been repaired. I slid on the second skin once again, enjoying the tight feeling that surrounded me. I adjusted some of the straps that I had attached to the suit to hold more weapons. Throwing stars, knives, extra ammo, poison vials, and an adrenaline shot joined the ensemble of knives attached to me. My hair was then slicked back into a high ponytail. It felt good to be back in my mission gear and I felt the stealthy nature and wickedly murderous skills come back to me, ready to be used at any time.

James came in my room and studied my outfit. His was similar but much bulkier. I studied him much the same way. However, when our eyes met, I saw concern cross his face.

“What are you worried about, James?” I asked.   
“To be honest, I’m worried about you, doll,” he said calmly.   
“Why? It is not my first take down. Sure, it is the different side, but same principle.”  
“That’s what I’m worried about. You’ve been here, what, four days and on the run for 2? They’re still hunting you down, and putting you in their facility is just counterintuitive.”  
“I will be fine, James.”  
“No, you won’t,” James said quietly.  
“What makes you say that?”  
“It’s traumatic to go back there, the flashbacks, the people. It disturbs you to your core. Trust me, I’ve been through it.”  
“I am sorry, James.”  
“Maybe I should go talk to Steve, I don’t want you to have to go through that.”  
“No, James, that is too far. I understand you want to protect me, for what reason I do not know, but you cannot prevent me from saving these people.”  
“You can’t save these people, Y/n. They aren’t meant to be saved. By the time that we get there, they are going to be dead. How can you not see this?”

At this point, I just stared at him in disbelief. He thought this mission was pointless. He thought that we were not going to be able to save them. 

“I thought you were supposed to be the ‘good guys’ James. I thought you were supposed to try to save people no matter the cost. How can you not remember that?”  
“Because some of us, Y/n, can’t make the shift from bad to good, we are meant to stay bad. Some of us are evil to the core; we kill without having second thoughts.”  
“But, James that is not you. You are good.”  
“You have nothing to base that off on.”  
“I do not care; you are a good person, James.”  
“Stop, please.”   
“James, come back –“ I said as he walked away from me.  
“No, you are not going on that mission. You are staying here, so I can protect you.”  
“James, you cannot do that to me,” I pleaded.  
“I can and will. I am not losing the one good thing that has come out of a really messed up life.”

I ran after him, but he ran faster. He made sure that I could not get into the elevator with him, so I took the stairs. I asked Jarvis to stall him and open the elevator on every floor. Jarvis replied telling me he was going to hold him in the elevator for as long as possible.   
I descended the stairs rapidly, trying to outrun the assassin. Steve was on the third floor and I was on the sixth. I ditched the stairs and opted for sliding down the railings. The door a few flights above me opened abruptly. James was madly dashing down the stairs, effectively jumping over the railings to the floor below. He caught sight of me and began to chase me.

I slid down faster than he could chase me because my mission outfit was much more flexible than his was. I made it to the third floor and quickly opened the door. Finding Steve was my main focus right now and I went straight to his room and began knocking on his door quickly. 

He opened after the fifth knock, but James had already found me. I slid into Steve’s room and stood behind him as he braced for James’ impact. He pushed Steve away as if he were nothing. Steve stumbled back and fell into his couch trying to calm James down without getting more of his wrath. 

James began to circle me, enjoying the scared look that masked my face. I tried to get out of the room, but he grabbed my wrist with his metal arm. He smiled, satisfied.

“Steve, she is not allowed to go on the mission,” he said while maintain eye contact.   
“Sorry, Buck. We need her on this one, she’s the only that has been in there,” Steve said.   
“She is not allowed to leave me,” James maintained his position.  
“James, why can I not go? Did you hear Steve? I have to go,” I said trying to contribute. 

His grip on my wrist tightened, but my mission suit countered, trying to expand to lessen the impact on my wrist. James pulled me into him, still holding onto my wrist, into a tight hug. 

“She has to go, Buck. We need her there, but you can stay with her during the mission if you’d like,” Steve said firmly.   
“Fine, we will meet you on the Quinjet then,” Bucky said and dragged me with him to the flight deck. 

Once on the plane, I sat on one of the chairs towards the back and stared out the window. James sat next to me and put his hand on my thigh. I did not look at him like he wanted me to because I was still mad at him. I did, however, offer my hand to him. He took it and leaned both of our chairs back so that we were laying back. James closed his eyes, for now satisfied.

The others came in soon after we did. The plane was going to take off any second now. Clint told me that it was going to be around a 13 hour flight and that I should try and get some sleep. I nodded him thanks. 

The plane took off and the others feel asleep within a few minutes of reaching the maximum height. James however, was pretending to sleep. I could see it in his face and the way his eyes moved as I shifted. I put up the armrest in between us and leaned against him. He gave up the ruse and pulled me in between his legs so that my back rested on his chest. 

James sighed quietly and mumbled things into my hairline. I ignored it for the time being and felt myself drift away into his warm arms. James relaxed underneath me and I felt him slow his breathing until he fell asleep. 

We awoke to the sound of a siren. Natasha came and told us all that we had been spotted and that people were trying to shoot the plane down. I woke James up and told him to put his seatbelt on. He did and then he went to tighten mine. I gave him a skeptical look until he stopped. 

The plane did several roles and half-crashed half-landed into the ground after about a half hour. James undid his own seatbelt and then fretted over me. I asked him to stop worrying over me and he gave me a pout but agreed. 

James and I were told to take the middle entrance of the building, clear it out, kill anything if necessary. I went in before James and quickly figured out where I was. I took the flight of stairs into what used to be the hallway that led to the bedrooms. I quickly cleared all of the rooms.

I next went to the mess hall to see if I could find anyone else in there. When it turned up empty, there was only one place that they be: the experimentation rooms. James saw this in my face and nodded, grabbing my shoulder to comfort me. 

Leading him down the stairs, I took out my gun. No one was speaking on the coms, but I did not care. It was normal for people to be tense in these types of situations. Step by step, I began to remember what had happen here. I smiled to myself knowing that it would all be over soon.

I got to the bottom and found the main room easily. When I opened the door, I was greeted with a flood of light. There was one person who stood in there. I gestured my gun to them and they turned around slowly, laughing a bit to himself. 

“Ah Rose, my naïve little one, I knew it was only a matter of time before you came back to your family.”  
“Who are you?” I asked.  
“You don’t recognize me love?”  
“John Doe,” I replied.  
“There you go. Now little Rose, what have you brought? Not only did you come crawling back, but you brought me the Asset?”  
“No, I came to end this.”

James stiffened behind me as he tried to call in on the coms. The reason that there was no communication is because everyone’s coms were dead. I looked to him to try and figure out what he was thinking, but he pulled me back against him. 

As soon as he pulled me, men erupted into the room. They electrocuted James and held him down while he shook. For me, however, they stabbed me repeatedly, shoving the electrodes into my body to electrocute me. 

We both tried to fight back against them, however there were just too many. I screamed for James to get out of there, but he just groaned in defeat. One of the men hit me on the head with a large pipe. I fell to the ground at the impact, but I was up once again this time with my arms up. 

Just like what happened when I was with Tony, everyone began to levitate. I ran towards James, but he had already passed out. I put him behind me and set him on the ground gently. I could not hold them up much longer. I slammed them all against the wall and then watched as they dropped to the floor. 

As soon as they dropped, they began to shoot at me. I was hit several times, but remained unfazed. I took the guns out of my sides, and began shooting back at them killing them with each shot. However, after a while, the amount of bullets I was taking was becoming too much for me and I dropped to my knees. They then had someone come in and kick me across the face.

I coughed up as much blood as I could, but there was just so much. My eyes tinged with black as I began to pass out. I grabbed James’ hand as I slipped into darkness.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
I woke up in a cell. It was where we held people who were going to be interrogated. I got up and screamed as my bones readjusted and popped back into place. I fell back to the floor as I felt my body start to burn. 

James was in the cell across from mine. He woke up when I screamed and came rushing at the cell door. We both could see into the others cell. James started shouting at me to talk to him, to let him know I was okay. I just moaned loudly in response, not trusting my voice. 

I got up and saw James’ face. He looked relieved when I stood up. James reached for me with his hand and I reached for him just the same. We could grab each other’s fingertips, but not much else. 

“Are you okay?” I asked.  
“Yea, for now. They knew they couldn’t brainwash me again because they couldn’t get through to you if I was mindless. Tony also thought to install a metal plate to deflect the waves. So we are fine for now,” James said calmly.   
“No, we are not. James I should have listened to you. We should have stayed back at the Tower. We should have just stayed there. Now they have us both. They are going to brainwash you again and start with me,” I said as I began to panic.  
“Hey, shh, shh, the others aren’t here doll. They know where we are. They are going to come get us, we just have to be patient,” James cooed.   
“I am so sorry James. I should not have let this happen,” I apologized.  
“It’s not your fault, Y/n. We will be okay.” 

The men came in after that realizing we both were awake. They gagged us both and chained us together. Dragging us both up the stairs and into the torture chamber, James began to thrash about. I pleaded to him with my eyes to go calmly and he eventually got the message. 

They then blindfolded him too and separated us from each other. The men strapped me to an upright table and cut a slit in my mission suit. They then picked James up off the floor and tied him to a chair across from me a few feet away. 

When they took off his blindfold, James’ eyes widened. He began to thrash around in the chair, but it did nothing as the chair was bolted to the ground. John Doe walked in at that moment. 

“Good to see you back in action there, Rose,” John snickered.   
“What do you want?” I asked.  
“You see, my little bud, you do not know much about the inner workings of S.H.I.E.L.D. like our friend Bucky does. Since, you can regenerate quickly, what better motivation for him than torture. Especially of his new found love.”  
“He does not love me, Doe. You told me love was too dangerous for people like us,” I spoke.   
“Oh, but that’s where you are wrong my creation. He loves you and that is why you make the perfect torture specimen. We kill two birds with one stone you see, we get information about S.H.I.E.L.D. and we get to test your limits.”

James began to scream into his gag and tried to thrash around even more. Doe walked towards me with a knife. He plunged it into my stomach swiftly and I gave a gasp at the sudden pain. James began to scream even more now. 

The bright burning sensation was quick and then I was healthy. They took his gag off of him and he bit the man’s hand. James began to scream at them to untie him and fight him.   
“James, calm down please. You are not helping the situation,” I asked.   
“No, they are going to let us go. I am not going to give them any information, especially if they hurt you,” James spat.   
“I’m glad you feel that way, Asset. We have more tests to run. Besides, the fun has just begun –“ John Doe said. 

With that, he cut my stomach open once again and then used the same knife to puncture my lung. I began to choke up blood, it spilling out of my mouth as I hacked and coughed. The burning began in my lungs, and I screamed choking again on the blood. My stomach started to cinch up slowly. I continued to scream until my face held a silent continuation. 

I put my head down, not able to continue on holding it up for the time being. John, however, had a very different idea. He pushed my head against the table hard and then punched me in the nose. I felt the blood trickle down my face only to be reminded of the broken nose as it burned to heal itself.

“See, Asset, she is fine. However, if we keep doing this she will not be. Now, tell me what your next take down is?”

When James did not answer, he mouthed ‘I’m sorry’ and then shouted at them to stop. Doe only promised to stop once he told them what he knew. They then poured a bucket of water on me and then grabbed the tazer. Turning on the tazer, Doe put it on the ground and watched as it electrocuted me. I closed my eyes and whimpered at the pain that it was causing me.

James screamed at them once again to stop. Doe kicked the tazer away from me. The heat from the tazer subsided, but the heat from healing began to set in. My muscles had begun to cook so my entire body was now fixing itself. I felt myself get dizzy from the amount of effort I had to put in to heal. 

“TELL ME WHERE THE NEXT TAKE DOWN IS,” John Doe screamed at him.  
“No, James. Do not do it,” I whispered.  
“NO!” James screamed as John Doe had snapped.

He stabbed me in the chest with the knife and then broke my neck. My body slumped over, dead for a time being while it healed itself. 

~~~~~~~   
I woke up with a start, temporarily forgetting how to breathe. James was in the same cell with me this time. He pulled me up into his arms and hugged me tightly. He began to whisper more things into my hair and rocking the both of us back and forth. 

I leaned back into James and he pulled me as tight to his chest as he could. His grip was so tight from his metal arm, I could feel the slight burn from bruised ribs healing. I turned around so I could face him. He grabbed my face gently with his hand and began to kiss my face. He started at my temples, and moved down to my cheeks, then my jaw line. James moved up and down my neck, kissing me wherever he could.

It was a strange sensation, but I gave in to him. I began to lean into him more, confused on what I should be doing. He then pulled my chin and kissed me on the lips briefly before going back to my jaw, whispering and mumbling words that I would never hear into my skin. I could feel the scruff of his unshaven face on my own, scratching me slightly. I jumped a bit in his lap, startled at the suddenness of him. They had warned me not to fall in love. Having James kiss me in the cell under their surveillance might have proven to be one of the worst ideas we have had. 

“What did you tell them to get you in here with me?” I asked quietly, pulling away a bit.   
“I told them where I thought the next takedown might be. I gave them some random coordinates in exchange for being in here. It is one of their bases, but it is one of the ones that Natasha frequently checks. It should be a matter of time before they come get us,” James spoke softly.   
“Asset, you lied to us,” one of the men spoke.

James pushed me behind him, trying to protect me. He told him that was where he thought it was going to be. The man then took James by the arm and James grabbed me. We were now a chain link coming out of the cell, but the man did not seem to mind. 

We were taken back into the torture room. This time however, we were both strapped up to the tables, facing each other. James’ eyes widened as headgear was strapped to me. He began to thrash about as the same gear was affixed to him. 

It was the memory erasing device they had used on him before. Even though Tony had given him the plate, it was still going to give him some memory damage. I, on the other hand, had no plate and stood to lose my identity. 

“This, my little bud, will increase your abilities even more and turn you into the perfect little soldier. You can even accompany your lover on missions if you so desire, Rose. The two of you will be the perfect killing machines,” John Doe once again snickered. 

They turned the machines on and James began to thrash out, screaming loudly. I felt myself burn as my brain tried to repair itself as it was being destroyed. James seemed dazed and had a thin glaze over his eyes once they turned the machine off. The men kept the machine on for me though.

One of them turned a dial and it began to hurt even more so than it already had. The damage was surpassing the rate that I could heal myself. I slowly gave in, tears streaming down my face as James looked at me with a blank expression. I closed my eyes and let myself go.

~~~~~~~~

I quickly opened my eyes. Noticing that I was back with my siblings, back with Hydra, back to making them great again, I smiled to myself knowing that everything was right with world. They told me that I had just finished another round of tolerance testing and that I was to go back to my room and meet my new roommate. 

I strolled down the hall and opened my room. My new roommate was a man, specifically the Asset. He seemed vaguely familiar, but thinking about it made my head throb. The Asset stood up and hugged me. I ducked down and swiped his feet out from underneath him. 

“Y/n, stop it’s me James,” the Asset spoke.  
“It’s Rose, I am no longer Y/n. I am new, better, stronger, faster than that waste of space ever was,” I stated firmly.   
“Good, glad to see you are doing well then Y/-Rose. Please tell me your mission,” James said.   
“My name is Rose Van Der Wurth; I have the temporary alias Panther. My mission is to understand the inner workings of the Avengers team by following their every movement on their next mission, assess the threat, record their weaknesses, and use this against them to ultimately send them to their demise and restore Hydra to power.”   
“Good, good. Now do you know who I am?”  
“James Buchanan Barnes, The Asset. It’s a pleasure to have you in my midst, sir.”  
“No, don’t sir me, and since when did you use contractions,” the Asset questioned.   
“I am sorry, sir, I will no longer use contractions,” I replied bowing a bit at my mistake.   
“No, not sir. I am not your sir. I’m James, I’m your Jamie. For god’s sake, please Y/n please remember me. I’m Jamie, I’m Jamie, please just remember that I’m Jamie,” the Asset began to breakdown.

“Jamie?” I asked, testing out the words on my lips. They felt slightly familiar, but still foreign.  
“Yes, yes, doll. Jamie,” the Asset grabbed my hands in between his own.  
“Do all roommates act like this? If so, I might be applying for a transfer,” I stated.   
“No, stay with me. I couldn’t protect you once; I’m not letting you go this time.”  
“Will you be my new mission partner?”  
“Yes, doll, whatever you want.”  
“Good, I hope to be training with you soon. I have some new abilities that I need to test out.”  
“Are you sure you don’t remember me?”  
“I’m pretty sure. I was told that I should never fall in love, and I’m pretty sure I would fall in love with you,” I stated matter-of-factly.   
“Wait, what?” James asked.   
“It was a compliment, Asset. I’m sorry to have offended you.”  
“No, no, it’s fine. You are a lot more straightforward like this, doll. It suits you nicely”

I walked over to my bed and laid down on it, ignoring his previous comment. The Asset laid down next to me on the bed. I gave him a strange look, but he just smiled down at me. I figured that this was some sort of partner ritual that I had not gotten accustomed to since I was normally a solo assassin. It was going to be a new adventure for me as I would have someone watching my back.

The Asset seemed keen on protecting me, which made him an ideal partner. We could easily be an unstoppable force completing Hydra’s mission finally. He did seem to be a bit clingy to me, but he was comfortable to have next to me.

The nagging feeling that something was wrong began to replace the feeling of right. With the Asset asking me about my memories, it became that much more apparent. I figured that the day’s resistance transfusions had caused me to have a small memory gap, but all else seemed normal. I could remember my mission, training, all the essential people and skills. 

I figured that learning about the basics of how my new partner works would be beneficial. I decided asking him some simple preference questions. 

“What weapons do you use?” I asked.  
“Guns and knives mostly.”   
“How do you prefer to communicate?”  
“Over coms and in Russian.”  
“On a mission, would you rather pretend to be married or dating?”  
“Dating, provides more of an opportunity for both of us to flirt with the target.”  
“I have one question left, but you don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to,” I said.  
“And what’s that, doll?” James responded.  
“Why do you think I know you?” I asked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went on a bit of a tangent with this one. These events were not really supposed to happen, but they did. I think it adds a nice twist to things. Let me know what you think in the comments below!  
> <3 Skylar


	9. Who am I?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After trying to figure out who you are, issues arise. Who do you believe? A stranger who you feel like you knew, or your leader who you know you should trust.

Like I had expected the Asset did not answer my question. I rolled over and decided sleep was going to be much more beneficial to me considering I had training tomorrow. 

~~~~~~~~~~

When I woke up, the Asset was still asleep. I straightened my limbs and sat up. The Asset moaned behind me and grabbed my waist pulling me back down to lay with him. He kissed my shoulder to try and keep me from moving, however I would not tolerate this behavior. 

“Look, Asset, I don’t know who you think I am. But I’m not that person,” I said getting out of bed.   
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.”  
“Whatever, the men’s lavatories are down the hall and to the left.”  
“I’m sorry, Y/n please just come back to me.”  
“I already told you, I am not Y/n. I am Rose. R-O-S-E. Y/n was weak and pathetic. I am strong. Don’t make that mistake again.”  
“You still don’t remember me?”  
“No, I don’t. There is nothing that I am not remembering,”  
“Yes, there is.”

This conversation had repeated itself several times over the last month or so we had been here. Constantly training and then him trying to get me to remember things began to feel monotonous. Every day he would plead me to remember, and every day I told him there was nothing to remember. James had counted the days we were here, and counted the times he asked me. He was up to 43 now and was becoming more desperate by the hour. 

After one of the more infuriating conversations, I tried to walk out of the room we were in to just spend some time with myself. The Asset was too quick, however, and grabbed my shoulders, holding me there. He stared into my eyes, searching for something. 

“Please, don’t leave me. I can’t do this alone,” he pleaded.   
“Do what, Asset?”  
“No, not Asset. Please stop calling me Asset. I’m James, Jamie whatever you prefer. I’m not the Asset anymore. You need to remember.”  
“Remember what? My life is just as it always has been. My mission got postponed and then I got another round of endurance testing. We were sent back here and we slept. There isn’t anything missing.”  
“Remember me, remember sitting in the ‘glass prison’, remember Clint and Steve, remember me getting angry at you for hurting yourself, remember that I didn’t want you to go on a mission, remember that you forced my hand, remember that I let us get captured because I was too stubborn to make sure you stayed, remember our first kiss-“ he said stopping immediately.   
“Are you sure that was me?” I asked putting my hand on his chest to calm him.   
“Yes, doll, that was you. It was all you. My beautiful Y/n. Please remember.”

He continued to plead me to remember things that I thought weren’t true. James began to cry slightly when he realized that I was not remembering. I moved my other hand up to cup his face and wipe away his tears. I don’t know why I did it really, but it felt normal. 

Again that feeling that of wrongness set in. My head began to pound and the ringing in my ears became deafening. I pulled my hands away from James and put the on my temples. The pain increased indefinitely and I held my head in my hands rocking back and forth moaning. 

I felt James try to coax me out of the fetal position I maintained on the ground. He pulled me into his lap and tried to whisper calming phrases to me. Although he meant it to be helpful, it just made everything hurt more. I pushed myself away from him.

Lights began flashing behind my eyes and I screamed at the brightness. I immediately sat up, the noise and pain had receded. I saw my target, The Asset, sitting in front of me. I got up as fast as I could trying to disarm him. 

He countered my attack and rolled us both over so that he pinned me. I tried to push him off me, but he held me there. I threw my weight up and tried to overthrow him, but that did not work either.   
“I’m not letting you up until you remember, Y/n.”  
“Remember what?”  
“Jesus, you are like my grandmother. Bless her soul, but she couldn’t remember anything after 30 seconds.” The Asset said.   
“What am I supposed to remember Asset? That you’re my acting like my target?”   
“Since when have I been your target? I was your training partner.”  
“You did something to me. My head hurt and my ears rang, you were the only one in the room. What did you do to me? Also last time I checked, partners don’t attack each other,” I asked quizzically.  
“I didn’t do anything to you, I swear. I need you to remember me and all of the things we have been through. I know it’s been about a week or so since we have met each other, but I need to talk with you and be with you.”  
“James, I don’t remember. Whatever it is, I don’t remember.”  
“Maybe that’s why your head hurt. I was trying to get you to remember and then your head hurt. If we could just try again, Y/n, I might be able to get you to remember everything.”  
“James, there isn’t anything to remember.”  
“Yes, please, just listen to me. Don’t you remember anything about anyone back at the Avengers Tower?”  
“Are you saying that I went against my side and went willingly to the other? Is that what you are implying?”  
“Finally, yes a breakthrough. Do you remember now? Wanda? Pietro?” James asked quickly.  
“My siblings? Where are they? Are they safe? Can I go see them?”  
“No, we can’t.”  
“Why not? I want to see them, James, please.”

I felt such hope at seeing my siblings again. They were always there for me in here, but when they went away, I felt hopeless and alone. 

“Because, we are stuck here. We can’t leave until the Avengers come and get us.”  
“I don’t want to go with the Avengers, my home is here. Look, I’ll talk to my boss. I can ask him to get them back from Avengers tower, they are part of the team they will understand. We can all be here, together, I can get my family back.”  
“Sweetheart, that won’t work. They aren’t going to let you.”  
“They will James, they have to,” I said quietly.   
“They are on different sides now, Y/n. We just have to wait it out, the team will come get us when they find us and then we can leave.”

I pushed James away from me, angry at him and his words. I stomped down the hall to get away from him. When he peeked his head out of the door, I sprinted to the bathrooms. Slamming the door behind me, I slid down and sat on the ground for a few moments.

I got back up and stood under the water. It was to its hottest settings and the water burned a bit at first. Standing there was nice for a while, but I soon realized that I had to leave before I ran out of the scalding water. I quickly shampooed and washed my body. A bit of soap stung my eyes, but I blinked it away after a while. 

As I stepped out of the shower, I took the towel and began to dry myself off. I examined myself in the slightly foggy mirror. My arms and legs no longer had any scars. All of my marks had disappeared, leaving me with nothing to have to cover with makeup. I made a mental note to ask John Doe and James about what happened to them.

Dressing in plain black leggings and a t-shirt, I walked back out of the bathroom and into the training room. I started on the tread mill and began running at a brisk pace. I heard someone enter the room and figured it was one of my trainers. 

“Good morning my little bud, how are you today?” John Doe asked.   
“I am a bit sore for some reason, so I am trying to work out the muscles a bit, sir. I have a question for you though.,” I responded.  
“And what would that be?”  
“Where did my scars go?”  
“They were removed from you during your last endurance test, we created a new serum that makes you impervious to scarring. In the process, it removed your existing scars.”  
“Will this do any additional damage to me?”  
“No you should be fine. If any problems occur, let me know.”  
“Yes, sir.”  
“Good girl. Now it has come to my attention that you know about your siblings, Wanda and Pietro being on the Avengers’ side, correct?”  
“Yes, sir, they have made the wrong choice, but I believe that, with your guidance, they can come back to us and be my siblings again.”  
“Unfortunately, my dear Rose, we are not able to come get them at the moment. They are, however, coming here to retrieve the Asset and bring them back to the Avengers tower. It is our belief that they are going to attempt to capture you as well, my blossom. You are to fight them and avoid capture. Do you understand? They are going to be coming later tonight. Do not tell the Asset.”  
“Yes, sir. What is my mission?”  
“Protect the Asset, protect yourself, avoid capture at all cost. Repeat,” said John Doe.  
“Protect the Asset, protect yourself, avoid capture at all cost,” I replied.

I continued training for a few more hours but stopped when James came back in. After motioning for him to come to the sparring mat, I walked over to meet him. We communicated wordlessly that we were about to spar. I took my position in a corner and James took his in the opposite one.

It felt like a dance, a dance with knives that is. Everyone had a specific move that followed the other one. We both danced around each other, waiting for the other to strike. James moved a bit quicker and I reciprocated. He looked at me and grinned slightly, his eyes narrowing. 

“I’m not going to hurt you nor am I going to make the first move,” James said quietly, breaking the silence.   
“The point of sparring is to learn how to fight, and fighting includes taking the first move and hurting people. John Doe said you can’t scar me, so we should be fine. Besides, the Avengers are coming to take you away soon and I have to protect you. I need to know where you’re weak, so I can protect you there.”  
“You can do much more than not scar, doll.”  
“What does that mean?” I asked as we continued to circle each other.  
“You can’t get hurt, you heal almost immediately. Do you not remember that either?”  
“Do you think I’m crazy?”  
“Great, here we go again. You were injected with a variation of the super soldier serum, once you were close to death in the Avengers tower, the mutation came about and saved your life. You now feel a slight burning sensation whenever you are healing.”  
“No, I’m not crazy. You are just a liar.”  
“I’m not lying. What I want to know is why your memory didn’t heal or at least resist the wiping.”  
“I WASN’T wiped James. I’m not the person who you think I am.”  
“Stab yourself.”  
“What?” I asked incredulous at what he just told me to do.  
“Stab yourself and find out that I’m not lying.”  
“That is ridiculous. Do you really think I am that gullible?”  
“If you aren’t going to stab yourself, I am going to have to,” James said with an angry look in his eyes.

I hesitated a second too long for his liking. James launched himself at me, tackling me to the ground. He immediately sunk the blade into my right shoulder. I winced a bit, but when James pulled out the knife, I groaned a bit. 

I panicked a bit, realizing that I would be injured when the Avengers came to take James back from his rightful place. I tried to sit up, but James’ weight on me prevented me from moving up much more. His hand came to rest on my chest to keep me from moving. His eyes studied my shoulder, watching it. James’ eyes eventually came up to mine and held my gaze for a few moments before looking at my shoulder again. 

My shoulder started to burn a bit and I hissed at the sudden tightening sensation. Once the pain subsided James let go of my other hand and took my thumb, pressing it where the hole should be. I sighed a bit, lifting my head to see if there was actually a hole there or not. When I did not see one, I slammed my head down on the mat. I didn’t hit my head hard enough to give me a concussion, but just enough to show my frustration.

Could everything James had been telling me be true? Was I really missing something? I continued to question myself when I came to a realization. James was in the room the last time I got an endurance test. He may have overheard the conversation about the effects the doctors were having. 

“Do you believe me now?” James asked, hopeful.   
“No, you were in the room when they gave me the transfusion. You heard what they were saying, and then told me to get me to believe some fantasy. Did they send you in here to test my will power?”  
“Why do you have to be so stubborn? Why don’t you believe me?”

Just as he said that, gunfire could be heard on the other side of the building. I pulled James off of me and watched as the room went into lockdown mode. Grabbing some weapons like a few knives, throwing stars, guns, I put them in a bag. I began to walk over to James so I could protect him like John Doe had asked me to. 

He stood up then and rushed towards the door. I pulled him back by the collar of his t-shirt. James turned around and his metal arm swung around catching me in the ribs. The force behind it threw me against the wall. He rushed at me then, picking me up and throwing me over his shoulder. I tried to grab out one of my knives from my bag, but James had thrown it across the room. 

I tried to wiggle out of his grasp, but he held me with him metal arm after he deemed that I had moved too much. I screamed at him to put me down, but he could not hear me or at least pretended not to care about it. The Avengers were in the larger training room, taking out Hydra soldiers with ease. 

As soon as he got closer to them, he heard their shouts. They called out for him, and he began to run towards them. I tried to fight him, but he just held me tighter. When James barreled through the door, he put me down on the ground, grabbing my wrist with his metal hand in a bruising hold. 

The Avengers killed the rest of the men in the room and then signaled to the coms in their ears that they needed to be extracted. A couple of the Avengers came up to hug me and I tried to get out of the way in fear that they were trying to kill me too. James’ grip, however prevented me from doing anything. 

He held me closer to him in that protective way he adopted. Steve Rogers, Captain America and leader of the Avengers, came up to James who whispered something into his ear. Steve then nodded to him and reached into his pocket. 

I reacted violently, seeing this as my opportunity to escape. I ripped my arm out of James’ hold and ran as quickly as I could trying to get away. I was blindsided by a silver blur. Getting up, I continued to try to run. I had just made it out of the door when a red mist surrounded me, rendering me immobile. The mist brought me back into the room and put me on the floor next to James. 

The silver blur became much more visible. Pietro slowed to a brisk walked and came over to me. Wanda emerged from behind the others in the room and came over to me as well. Both of them smiled warmly at me and went to hug me. I shied away from them and tried to scoot away from them, not understanding why they are here. Questions began plaguing my mind and I sat still trying to calm myself down.

“Her memory was wiped, she still thinks she is part of Hydra and that Wanda and Pietro have abandoned her. She doesn’t believe anything I’m telling her,” James remarked  
“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here, James,” I rebutted.  
“Her speech patterns have changed too,” Steve commented.  
“Sister, please, remember us. We are here to take you back home,” Wanda pleaded.  
“Then you might as well leave, I am home,” I spat back at her with a venomous tone.   
“Steve, hand me the cuffs. We shouldn’t be doing this here, let’s just take her back to the tower and deal   
with it there. Plus, they should be preparing to send more guards any second now,” James said.

With that, James clicked the handcuffs onto my wrists, picking me up bridal style and carrying me to the plane that would take me to a new type of prison. I had given up and gave a silent apology to Doe for getting captured. 

James sat down with me in his lap on the plane, cradling me close. At first, I tried to get away from him, but after a while, it felt pointless. He began to mumble that he was never going to let me get taken again, that he loved me so much, that I was his everything, that he would love me and cherish until I no longer wanted him to, and that he would never let me get hurt again. 

His mumblings eventually lulled him to sleep. Everyone on the plane took turns staring me down. I hated the looks they had given me. I turned myself into James’ chest to avoid them. His arm came around me protectively and it felt normal, almost like it was supposed to happen that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if there are any scenarios you want me to try and incorporate into the story and comment to let me know what you think.  
> ~ Skylar


	10. Working Through the Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now back with the Avengers, problems being to arise as you discover who you really are. Tensions also become much more apparent as you say things you may not mean and endanger relationships you didn't even know you had.

Once we arrived, James woke up and started to lead me to an elevator. With my handcuffs still on, I walked with my head down and kept the maximum distance from James as possible. We came to a room that was lavender and black colored. It smelled faintly stale, but had that same lavender smell that the room was painted.

 

James led me in and sat me down on the couch. The room felt familiar to me, but then again everything had felt familiar lately with me because I was being told everything should be familiar. I glanced to James who went into the little kitchenette and got me a glass of water. I nodded at him in appreciation and took it from him.

 

Nursing the water in my hand, I looked around the room. It looked like something I would appreciate normally, but it felt like I was a ghost haunting something that used to be mine. As I sat there taking in all of the details, James was watching the reactions I had. I sighed quietly and stood up. James moved to stand up with me, but I gently pressed on his shoulder to make him sit down again.

 

I began to familiarize myself with the room, closing my eyes. I moved around slowly at first and realized that I knew this room and sped up until I was spinning around the room touching all of the furniture ensuring myself the distances everything had from each other.

 

A bright light flashed and I stopped where I was, I looked at myself and realized I had some sort of haze that glowed around me. I heard music in the background, it was classical. The mist left my body and formed a ghostly version of me that continued the dance around the room a bit. Another ghost-like person stood in the doorway, watching my ghostly form move. A slight smile crossed her features and I realized it was the Black Widow. I watched as they had a conversation.

_“Your form is a bit loose, try tightening your right arm and lengthening your left leg,” the voice said as it entered the room._

_The music ended as the person spoke. I brought my body in on itself to end my makeshift dance. Looking up at the person, I realized it was the Black Widow, Natasha. I sighed heavily and walked away from her. She followed me giving me an equal huff. I sat on the couch and stared at her as she copied my movements._

_“I have gone through the same training as you have, I know what you feel,” she started slowly._

_“Do you though?” I asked incredulously._

_“I do, I promise. I even went to Sara when I escaped. It’s how I found you,” she continued._

_“Sara, is she okay?”_

_“Sara is fine, a little shaken up and a bit upset that you didn’t finish the meal she made for you.”_

_I just looked down at the couch cushions and played with a loose thread on my pants. Natasha just stared at me. I knew she had something to tell me, but I was not very interested in what she had to say because I was still a bit bitter about impersonating my sister._

_“Bruce wanted to run some more tests. You weren’t responding to JARVIS and Bucky wasn’t with you. I know I’m not the best option, but he needs the tests done,” Natasha said firmly._

_“Alright.”_

_“I never meant to hurt you, Y/n. I was just doing what I was told. I had to get you out of there because if I didn’t Hydra would have found you and hurt you in more ways than you have ever imagined.”_

_“Thank you,” I said quietly._

When the scene faded away, I began to frantically look for the ghostly people. I stumbled around the room, looking for people who weren’t actually there. The last room to look in was the bedroom, and I made my way over to it. James stood up and followed me to the door. It was closed and I slowly turned the handle.

 

The room smelled a little stale and felt untouched for some time. The bed was unmade and wrinkled like someone had slept on it and then left. The pillows had to distinct dents in them from two people sleeping on them very close to each other. I went inside the room and ended the search for the ghost people. I stopped at the edge of the bed, placed my hand on the comforter, and looked up to see two ghost people sleeping in the bed.

 

_The same ghost that took my shape was there again, this time curled around a ghost that looked like James. My ghost was asleep and whimpered slightly from a nightmare she looked like she was having. This stirred James’ ghost and woke him up. He heard the whimpering and pulled my ghost closer to his. His ghost kissed the top of my head and shh-ed me back to sleep._

 

The vision once again faded leaving me confused and breathless. I felt like I was being squeezed and it became harder for me to breathe. I sat down on the ground at the edge of the bed and tried to calm myself. I wondered what I was seeing. It looked so real but felt so fake.

 

James kneeled down next to me and tried to offer me an embrace to comfort me. I jumped away from him not wanting any contact until I could sort through what I was seeing. He instead opted for drawing small circles with his thumb on my back to calm me. It seemed harmless enough so I was not worried.

 

A knock came at the door leading into the room. It caused me to jump out of James’ reach. James got up to answer the door, and I moved into the corner. I tried to remember the dance that I would have done in this room to remember the distances. It seemed vaguely right, which meant I had a gun strapped to the bottom of the right nightstand.

 

I made my way over to the nightstand quietly and tried to move efficiently, but with my handcuffs still on it limited my movement significantly. I managed to grab the weapon and load it by the time I heard footsteps coming towards the door. I put the gun under me, but still within quick reach.

 

My mind was so jumbled at this point I felt it was better to be precautious rather than trust everyone blindly. Pietro came in the room first and saw me sitting relatively in the corner. He became a blur and picked me up, putting me on the bed. In the rush of movement, I didn’t have time to grab my gun.

 

Pietro gave me a look of disappointment and tossed the gun over to James. He sat on the bed with me, watching my movements. I flinched a bit at his quick movements and he sighed heavily.

 

“We have some work to do, Сестра,” Pietro began, calling me sister to comfort me.

“Why did you leave me? All this time I thought you were dead, Брат. You never updated me, you never updated your leaders. All this time you left me there wondering what had happened to you. But no, you decided that you were going to switch sides and fight for the enemy,” I spat back at him, angry for leaving me alone for so long.

“We have been over this, Сестра, you have the story all wrong. You need to look at what they did to you, look at where you are because of them,” Pietro spoke back calmly.

“So no excuses then? What happened to you Piet? Why are you not fighting back? Forget me and what I am doing, you switched sides and now you have gone soft.”

“I haven’t gone soft. You are switching the subject, avoiding the problem.”

“Yes I am, because now I have been kidnapped and two people from my life decided to make an entrance and tell me that I am fighting for the wrong side. Not to mention the ghost people I keep seeing,” I stopped speaking, realizing what I just said.

“What are you seeing?” asked James, stepping in this time.

“Different people and me, walking around in this room acting out little scenes. I don’t want to talk about it right now. I want to talk about why you left me Piet,” I asked still upset.

“We had no choice, we had outlived our purpose there,” Pietro began.

“That’s a lie, if you out served your purpose everyone else would have left too,” I spat.

“I forgot how smart you are, sister. I had mouthed off to the guards a bit after they gave us our endurance training for the day. As punishment, they gave me and Wanda an extra strong dose the next day since they felt that we were both in it together. It mutated us both, giving me increased speed and Wanda her magic-misty stuff. They wanted to run more tests and did not want to cause alarm that we had developed mutations. They took us away to a frozen wasteland and trained us. They forced me to run for hours on end, at one point for 26 hours. Pushing me to limits I didn’t know I had. They tortured her, Y/n. They tortured Wanda and made her do things far beyond her capabilities. They made her use so much of her power that she started bleeding from her nose and lost consciousness for a week and a half,” Pietro ended quietly.

“How did you get out?” I asked.

“The Avengers came and rescued us. We felt the same way as you did, wanting to stay loyal to the cause. It took some time, but we realized that Hydra was hurting people and the Avengers were saving people.”

“Is this all real?” I asked quietly.

“Yes, sweetheart, it is all real. What you were experiencing when you saw the ghost people was flashbacks into your memory. Its normal and slowly most everything will fade back into memory. It’ll be hazy, but it’ll be there,” James answered.

“So, us sleeping in the same bed, is real?” I asked.

“Yes, doll, we have slept in the same bed,” James chuckled.

“Can I be alone for a little bit?” I asked.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Y/n,” James said carefully.

“She will be fine, come on, let the girl have some privacy. I will send up Wanda in a bit to check on her,” Pietro said as he guided James out of the room.

 

I laid down on the bed and thought everything out. I figured I had two options: I could either try and run away from here and go back to Hydra, or I could try and figure out this whole memory loss thing. Running away meant that I would be missing from two organizations and hunted by both. That scenario felt somewhat familiar, like I had tried that before.

 

Considering the “flashbacks” I figured that option had not worked for me in the past. I muddled over the next option: figuring out who I was to these people. I knew that I had a very close relationship to Pietro and Wanda because they are in fact the closet thing I had to family.

 

I rolled over to my side and wondered what my relationship with James was. We had slept in the same bed together. For many people that is very serious. Would I have let myself fall in love? Even if I knew the risks, would I have fallen?

 

Did he say he loved me in the past few days? No, he told me that he couldn’t have done this without me, that I can’t leave him, but oh god. He told me that we kissed. We had feelings for each other. We kissed, I fell in love.

 

I sat up feeling dizzy at the quickness I sat up. I stared at the wall as the gravity of the realization sunk in. Grabbing a gun, I decided it was best if I got out of there. I ran out of my room, trying to find James. The building still felt unfamiliar so I just started shouting for James.

 

A voice from above me told me that he was on the third floor. I sent two shots into the ceiling where I thought the voice was coming from. Running into the elevator to avoid the voice, I slammed on the 3 button as fast as I could until the door closed.

 

The elevator paused on the 5th floor. I stuck my gun out at the person and glared at them. They put their hands up in shock as the elevator door began to close. I heard them holler it was nice meeting you before the door closed completely.

 

Arriving at the 3rd floor, I burst through the door gun ready to fire on any attackers. For some reason, I thought that with my Hydra background, people would be hunting me down left and right. However, the rooms seemed vaguely empty.

 

I saw James go into a room and I ran after him, kicking the door down. He saw me with the gun in my hand. James spun and kicked the gun out of my hand, pushing me against the wall.

 

“Do you understand that you are running around a building with a gun?” James asked angrily.

“Yes, do you realize I do not know where I am and that voices are talking from the ceiling and following me around?” I countered.

“That’s just JARVIS, think of him like a Butler that is in the ceiling. He’s a robot that cannot hurt you. Please don’t get scared and get yourself hurt, again.”

“Yes, Miss, my name is JARVIS. It stands for Just A Rather Very Intelligent System. I am the personal manager for the Avengers team. I did not mean to alarm you,” JARVIS spoke. 

“See, he means no harm to you. Stand down,” James says as he motions to my battle stance.

“What is our relation, James?” I asked trying to relax.

“We never got around to that. I kissed you and then you were wiped.”

“I don’t remember it. It has to be hard, I’m sorry,”

“Do you, um, remember the uh kiss?” James asked awkwardly.

“No, sorry. I just remember you mentioning it,” I replied just as awkward.

“No problem, I figured you wouldn’t.”

“James, do you know what I felt for you?”

“Not really, no. I just know I really wanted to be with you, if that changes anything.”

“To be honest, James, you are still very much a stranger to me. If I loved you then, which I doubt because loving people is dangerous in our line of work, I will love you again.”

“Wow, way to be subtle. Thanks for being clear about that, Y/n. I’ll keep that in mind next time,” James scoffed and walked off.

“No, James I didn’t mean that. I just, everything is a mess right now. I don’t know who I am and I don’t know how I felt about you. Please, I’m sorry,” I pleaded.

“Don’t explain I get it. Don’t be sorry either, that’s dangerous in our line of work,” James said angrily.

“James, please, how would you feel in my situation?”

“Well, I sure as hell wouldn’t tell a guy I kissed that he was a stranger and that if I loved him I would love him again. Kind of leaves a guy on an awkward note.”

“I’m sorry, okay? What do you want from me? I don’t remember. I’m sorry that happened, didn’t really have control over it. Nevertheless, it happened, all right. Love always prevailed and if I loved you I will love you again,” I said trying to explain.

“Look, I appreciate what you’re trying to say here. The damage is done, don’t drag it out any more than it has to be, okay? I’ll see you around, Y/n.”

“Yeah, see you around.”

 

I tried to think of something slightly more intelligent to say to him to try and pull back my words, but nothing seemed to do it justice. I figured if I ever had any romantic feelings towards him in my memories I was going to be very upset with myself.

 

The bright light had come back this time with me in some sort of room, having an argument with James. I sat down next to myself and watched as the argument unfolded.

_“Let go, James. I am not your responsibility, understand? I have never had anyone ever in my life. Just because you waltz in and pretend to be my ‘knight in shining armor’ does not mean that I want that. You have never asked what I wanted. Do you want a thank you? Is that what will make you get off of me? Well, thank you James. Now get the hell off of me,” I screamed._

_He sat up putting his weight between my legs and pulled me up to sit up facing him. I knew he would not let me go, not after what I told him. Instead of fighting him and looking at him, I decided that the operating table was much more interesting and required all of my attention._

_“Hey, look at me,” James pleaded as I slowly met his gaze, “You’re right, I never asked you what you wanted. I’m sorry for that. I am not trying to be your knight, doll, unless you want me to be. If you want that, I really don’t think this is the time to discuss it,” James said slyly._

_“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked, not understanding why he was saying it like that._

_“Nothing, but back to the topic at hand, you aren’t my responsibility. That much is obvious by how stubborn you are being. However, you are, or at least I think so, my friend.”_

It had felt so familiar to have this conversation again. It also felt severely wrong to continuously have to talk about the relation, whom was caring for whom, whom was angry with whom, whom was feeling rejected by whom. I just wanted to have a normal life and now I had this to look out for, considering there was a lot of time that I was missing that James and I had spent together, growing fond of each other. I couldn’t remember it no matter how hard I tried, James told me it comes back with time, but at the rate I was messing things up I had about 5 seconds left before it was too late.

 

For the time being, instead of sulking, I decided on taking out my frustrations with the pillows in my room. After a while of screaming at them and then sobbing into them, followed by more screaming, I just felt confused. I wondered what I had done to the universe to have deserved this type of treatment. Was this some sort of sick joke played out by the cosmos for some god’s comedic relief? At this point everything felt sort of hopeless.

 

It had been like this for the three months of me being back here in the Avengers Tower. A few spotty memories scattered around. Several arguments with James about me remembering things had occurred and I was growing tired of fighting with him and other people. It was the constant state of knowing there was more to life, but not knowing what it was that had hurt me most. A lot of time had gone by and I could tell James was getting more frustrated with me each day. At different points, he had just left me alone in a room after an argument for hours at a time. It had been four and a half months of constant frustration and anger radiating off James. I could tell he wasn’t sleeping anymore.

 

I had certainly made more friends than enemies at this point and I didn’t remember half of them. I had made enemies with a prospective love interest and had called out the only family I had. Any “side” I joined wanted to use me for their own agendas and their own battles for justice and righteousness. I was a clean slate essentially, no friends, family, or even a life to fall back on.

 

Pillow abuse seemed useless at this point, so I made my way down to the gym, with directional guidance from JARVIS. As I neared the room I heard some people training inside. They seemed to having a conversation, one quite angry and the other calm as a lake. I stepped close to the door to see if I could hear what they were saying.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO, thank you all my lovely readers for being here today to read this.  
> WITH that being said, I just got off of spring break so I have some chapters written and I can promise updates on Wednesdays and Sundays until further notice.  
> I am still wanting some suggestions on scenarios to be implemented, I already have a suggestion from Maansi (thanks love) for some more on the run rebellious nature. It will be implemented in later on, because I have to work some more story details for it to make sense.
> 
> Please comment and let me know what you think and if you have any suggestions for me.  
> Thanks,  
> Sky <3


	11. Memories

“What’s got you so worked up, Buck? You are beating that punching bag to death,” Steve asked.

“It’s nothing, Steve. I’m fine.”

“You keep that up; you aren’t going to have a punching bag much longer.”

“You got something to say, punk? Say it before you become my replacement.”

“Woah there buddy, what happened this time? I haven’t seen you this angry in a long time.”

“Drop it, punk,” James warned.

“If I do, you could slip. Is it Y/n?” Steve prodded.

 

With a final sickening punch to the bag, it came free of its chains and hit the ground with a thud. James knelt down however and continued to beat the bag until a seam ripped, rendering it useless.

 

“What happened between you two, Buck?”

“She said that she didn’t know if she loved me because it’s dangerous in this line of work or some shit like that a few months ago and nothing has changed since. How do you not know if you love someone? It has been terrible to not be able to hug everything away simply because the doll doesn’t trust me to be near her because she does not remember me,” James asked angrily.

“She had her memories wiped, Buck. How could she know if she loved you? She doesn’t know anything anymore. It’s like her being in the containment center below when she first got here. She’s confused Buck, you got to understand that.”

“So? You don’t up and tell someone that you don’t know if you love them. We kissed, Stevie. We kissed in that hellhole. She remembers me mentioning it, but she doesn’t remember it.”

“Buck, you said way worse things to me when you didn’t remember me or anything for that matter. At one point blaming me for you falling, I mean look at the bright side at least she isn’t blaming you,” Steve said quietly.

“That doesn’t help me, Steve. I’m sorry I did that okay, but making me feel guilty isn’t going to help me.”

“Maybe if you go talk it out with her…” Steve started.

“I’m done talking, Stevie. All I’ve done for the last month is talk with her, trying to get her to remember. She is just now starting the flashbacks, but what if she does not believe in them. What then Steve?”

“You just have to give her some time, Buck. Time for her to figure things out and remember who she is to herself and to you.”

“I’m out of time.”

“What happens when you run out of time, Buck? Do you just snap and kill her? Hm? What are you going to do to her? She can’t remember you, Buck. She isn’t doing this on purpose. You know that right. She is just trying to figure out where she belongs in the world and you yelling at her and shying away in here to beat up punching bags isn’t helping her.”

“I know, but I can’t take it anymore. I just want things to go back to the way they were. I never had any nightmares when I was sleeping near her, but now that she does not know me, I cannot just sleep next to her. The nightmares are back, and they came back with a vengeance. I think I have had maybe two hours of sleep in the last 5 days.”

“Buck, have you talked to Sam about this?”

“No, and I don’t really want to.”

“Buck, if you aren’t sleeping then you need to talk to someone about it.”

“That’s what I’m trying to do; it’s why I’m talking to you, Steve.”

 

I had heard enough of them talking; it was upsetting to hear James talk that way. It’s crazy to think that just some words and a few memories could mess someone up so much. I felt so guilty that I could not remember anything.

 

I decided to think outside the box, if I couldn’t remember the memories on my own then I would have to have help. Not help from James because he could skew every scenario we went through. I thought of a plan involving security videos and being in the very first place I was when I started here.

 

~~~~~~~~

JARVIS was kind enough to allow me into the glass prison I had started out with. I sat on the ground and watched the security tapes of everything that I was involved in. Thankfully, they had audio to them and I was able to listen in.

 

It all seemed vaguely familiar to me, but considering it was security tapes and me being in them, I had no choice but to believe in them. As the tapes continued to play against the wall, I saw the same scenes being played in the room by the ghost people.

_“No one stayed with me while I was in here. It can get pretty lonely and quiet at night. I can stay here if you want. Or I can leave, it’s up to you doll. I want you to be comfortable because god knows I wasn’t.”_

I watched as my past was played out before me, just as it was on the security footage. I was mesmerized at my inability to accept anyone’s help, but proud that I still wanted to do things myself. I watched as I tried to take out the hasty stitches in my ankle and bleed all over the ground.

 

I watched as I saw myself panic over hearing JARVIS and almost die because of it. I watched and remembered the panic that I felt at learning I could not die. I slowly began to remember everything that had happened here. I remember stabbing myself in the stomach with the wooden dagger that was still in the corner. I remembered James getting angry at me and me running away.

 

I watched as Tony came in and tell me that James loved me, and I understood now what he meant by a crush. I watched later on as Tony called me an experiment and we had a rather brutal fight in the meeting room. I watched as James pleaded for me not to go on the mission. I watched as I pleaded for him to go. I watched as I got my way, and watched as I went on the plane. It was funny to see myself be so willing to go then even if I didn’t know how the situation would end.

_“What are you worried about, James?” I asked._

_“To be honest, I’m worried about you, doll,” he said calmly._

_“Why? It is not my first take down. Sure, it is the different side, but same principle.”_

_“That’s what I’m worried about. You’ve been here, what, four days and on the run for two? They’re still hunting you down, and putting you in their facility is just counterintuitive.”_

_“I will be fine, James.”_

_“No, you won’t,” James said quietly._

_“What makes you say that?”_

_“It’s traumatic to go back there, the flashbacks, the people. It disturbs you to your core. Trust me, I’ve been through it.”_

_“I am sorry, James.”_

_“Maybe I should go talk to Steve, I don’t want you to have to go through that.”_

_“No, James, that is too far. I understand you want to protect me, for what reason I do not know, but you cannot prevent me from saving these people.”_

_“You can’t save these people, Y/n. They aren’t meant to be saved. By the time that we get there, they are going to be dead. How can you not see this?”_

_At this point, I just stared at him in disbelief. He thought this mission was pointless. He thought that we were not going to be able to save them._

 

 

As the footage ended, the room went dark for a few moments before the overhead lights turned back on. I held myself as I let everything sink in. I still did not really know what I felt for James because it felt like the culmination of our relationship happened in captivity. I had been sitting in that room for a few hours now and didn’t really want to leave.

 

I desperately wanted to call it love. I hoped that it was because these memories did not seem like mine at this point. I was so scared that I was trying to force myself into something that I didn’t feel at the time. My mind kept shifting back and forth for a while, but I was consoled knowing that my thoughts were mine alone and I was alone in this room.

 

It was safe in there. Prisons were dangerous, but if you were the only one on the inside then it was the safest place. I asked JARVIS to lock the doors into the room while I was in there and to not let anyone in until I was done and allowed them.

 

The clock on the wall had said it was about 3:30 or so. I figured it meant 3:30 in the morning because I had started watching at about noon and there was no way I had watched two weeks’ worth of footage in three and a half hours.

 

Sitting up, I stretched realizing it had been a while since I had gotten something to eat. I nodded to the doors and JARVIS opened them for me. It felt weird for me to walk again after such a long time sitting. Managing my steps was my main focus going down the hall. I didn’t want to make too much noise considering everyone was sleeping at this point.

 

I wanted to go to the gym and work off some of the nervous energy that seemed to be following me around since I remembered most of what was. I quickly jogged there feeling like someone was watching me the whole time. I heard chuckling outside the door as I slammed it.

 

Catching my breath, I turned around and saw the long forgotten punching bag that had seen James’ anger. I whispered my apologies to the bag, but shook my head. I shouldn’t feel bad for objects. I guess I was just feeling lonely.

 

Ever since I got back from the Hydra base I was put on lockdown. I was allowed to be in my room and the training room. Anywhere else in the building was off limits when there were people inside. The only people deemed able to see me were Bruce, James, and Pietro. I missed Wanda severely, but attempts to see her got me banned from seeing all but James for a week.

 

I started on the treadmill, running at a slight jog to warm up. Once I felt sufficiently warmed up, I moved to a sprint and tried to hold it out as long as possible. I lasted for about 30 minutes just sprinting before I got a cramp in my side, but the lasted for mere seconds before my body healed itself.

 

Running got boring after an hour or so. I moved into the next training room, the one with the hologram projection system. I grabbed the holographic versions of my usual weapons, throwing stars, knives, and guns. I turned up the difficulty to moderate and put on the goggles.

 

I felt my mind fade out as my hands closed on the weapons. The room lit up and I was outside with about 20 enemies or so around me. I took the milliseconds as the program loaded completely to get into a ready stance. Pulling at my gun, I took two shots at the snipers shooting down from me above, killing them instantly.

 

With 18 left, I turned around, guns still in hand, and unloaded the remaining 12 bullets into the people near me. I hit nine out of the 12. I sighed feeling a bit rusty, but dusted it off nonetheless. The remaining nine people were the big burly types meant to knock you off your feet with one blow. A man rushed at me, and I used his momentum to stab him, killing him. I took his gun from his hand and used his body as a shield. He had three bullets left and I used them to kill three people.

 

Four was the number that described the people left to kill. The program adapted and new not to rush at me anymore. I took my throwing stars out and launched them at the men subtly so they did not react. After I hit three of the four men, I stopped with the stars.

 

This last kill was going to be personal. I launched myself at this person, knocking them off their feet. I startled their hips, effectively pinning them to the ground. I raised my knife above my head and chuckled slightly, knowing the game was over. I attempted to bring the knife down, but there was something in front of the hologram’s face preventing me from stabbing it.

 

I took off my goggles and saw a knife sticking out of a piece of metal. Further examination led me to discover that this piece of metal was attached to someone. That someone was James, and he looked angry, sad, and confused all at once. I got off him immediately and backed into the wall.

 

“I’m sorry, James. I didn’t see you there. I didn’t mean to almost stab you. Are you okay?” I said everything quickly trying to keep everything calm.

“Its fine, we’re fine,” he said.

“Why are you in here, James? It’s pretty late,” I asked.

“Couldn’t sleep and I saw that someone was in here. I thought I would just peek in and see who it was. I was worried about you today, you were gone for a really long time and JARVIS didn’t know where you were,” James said to change the subject.

“I was watching something in the glass prison,” I said hinting at something.

“What were you watching, doll?” James responded, playing along.

“I was watching my memories.”

“Does that mean you remember?”

“There are some parts that I don’t remember per say, but I watched all the parts I thought were important. But, other than that, I remember or have watched everything that had happened between us here. We didn’t have access to the security footage from the Hydra base, so I still don’t know what happened during our first kiss or what we said there, I’m sorry.”

“That’s great! That is amazing, Y/n. I am so proud of you.”

 

James hugged me tightly, kissing my forehead softly. I still didn’t quite feel all of the romantic feelings, but I knew I loved him. I hugged him back tightly in an attempt to drown my doubt.

 

“I overheard you and Steve while you were killing the poor punching bag,” I said quietly still hugging.

“Oh, you heard that huh?” James asked, embarrassed slightly.

“Yea, I heard that. It’s what made me sit in a dark room for the last 13 hours trying to force myself to remember by watching security footage. I feel like I have this duality inside me, two people trying to share the same space. I wanted to get better, James, I did. I’m sorry I put you through that.”

“No, sweetheart, it’s not your fault. If it’s anyone’s it’s mine. I should have been more harsh and not let either of us go on that mission.”

“James, don’t start with that. It is not your fault, it was never your fault. Its Hydras fault. We are fine, okay. Please do not blame yourself, you aren’t the bad guy here.”

“I can’t help it, Y/n. It’s been a rough four months.”

“Well, then we should spend the next four months making up for those rough months.”

“That sounds nice.”

“But you have to promise me something,” I said.

“What would that be?”

“If anything happens to me, that you will get help if you need it. You have to take care of yourself before you try to take care of me, James.”

“I’m fine, doll, really, and now that I have you back there is nothing wrong.”

“I know that you haven’t been sleeping, James.”

“I’ll be fine, don’t worry about me.”

“I’m going to bed. Care to join me?” I asked with a yawn afterwards.

 

James nodded so I grabbed his hand gently and led him to my room. He followed me into the actual bedroom. I stepped into the bathroom and got into my pajamas that I had left there from the night before. James, however, did not have his pajamas so he opted in sleeping in just his sweatpants. I took an appreciative moment to glance at his chest and abs, before moving to slide into bed.

 

This felt normal. It felt like I was supposed to be here doing this and with James. Every doubtful thought seemed to fade away as I neared him. I was still scared about being in love with anyone, but it seemed to be less scary with James there with me.

 

James slid in the bed next to me and I instinctively curled into him, with my chest to his chest. His arms slid around me to keep me in a protective hold. I rested my forehead against his chest for a second and just breathed in his scent.

 

I heard James chuckle a bit so I raised my head to look at him. James had his eyes closed and he looked at peace. The worry lines in his face were already starting to fade, or at least it appeared to at least. I pulled my arm up and put it around his shoulder. Touching his face felt as familiar as I could trace every line with ease.

 

“Jamie?”

“Yes, doll?” James answered with a smirk at hearing his nickname.

“Since I can’t remember our first kiss can we try another one?”

“Of course, but not now, I want it to be special.”

“I’m glad I’m back, James. I missed you.”

“I missed you too, Y/n, more than you know,” James said, kissing my forehead as a means of telling me to sleep.

 

I closed my eyes, feeling more complete than I have in months. I fell asleep just as James put his arm around my waist in a tight but reassuring hold.


	12. The Winter Soldier

I woke up slowly at first. I had James near me, so I felt safe and didn’t really feel like waking up. I rolled over so I could look up at the ceiling instead of his side. James felt my motion and looked down at me, apparently, he had already been awake.

 

“Were you watching me sleep?” I asked groggily.

“Not watching, per say, more like gazing.”

“Hmm, okay,” I said still half-asleep.

 

James was oddly quiet, but I just summed it up to being sleep deprived. I tried to initiate small talk with him, but I got short if not one worded answers to whatever question I asked him. I didn’t remember him being so grumpy in the mornings.

 

I rolled further into James, trying to be as close to him as possible to see if that worked. He followed my lead, pulling me into his side. I sighed in frustration at the knocking sound that flooded the room. I made eye contact with James who went and sat in the bathroom so if it was someone who had to come in here for some time, they wouldn’t see James.

 

I opened the door to see the smiling face of Bruce. I let him into the room and sat down with him on the couch.

 

“Now, I know word travels fast, but do you actually remember?” Bruce asked.

“It’s a partial memory, I have watched it all so I know what happened,” I responded.

“Well, now that you are with us once again, I need to run a check up on you.”

“Sure, no problem. Can give you me a second to change out of my pajamas?”

“Of course,” Bruce said as he moved to walk out of the room.

“Oh and Y/n,” Bruce started.

“Yea?”

“If you are going to have someone in your room with you make sure you don’t leave clothing on the floor,” Bruce said as he pointed to James’ shirt on the floor next to my bed.

“Bruce, it’s not what you think. I didn’t do anything bad, just…”

“I get it, dear. Just be careful, okay?”

“I will, Bruce. I’ll meet you down in the lab in a few.”

 

As soon as he closed the door, I turned around and decided face planting into the bed was going to be the best way to deal with my embarrassment. James came out and saw me on the bed. He started laughing at me, when I sat up and he saw my embarrassment written across my face just underneath the scowl.

 

“What made you so embarrassed?” James asked.

“Someone left their shirt on the floor for it to be seen by Bruce who decided to comment on it.”

“Oh,” was all James was able to say.

“Yeah, thanks for that. Now everyone’s going to think the first thing we did after I got my memories back was have sex,” I grumbled.

“I will talk to him about it,” James said.

“No, Bruce is a good guy. Plus, people would think that anyway eventually, might as well get it over with,” I said sighing.  

“Where are you going?”

“Bruce came up here to ask me if I could have a checkup done, especially now that I know that he doesn’t secretly want to kill me.”

“Give me a minute and I’ll come with you.”

“James, I can go by myself.”

“I just don’t want to lose you again. I couldn’t protect you last time and I…” James said.

“How many times do I have to tell you it wasn’t you fault? You don’t have to protect me either, James. I’m a big person. Plus, it’s just Bruce.

“Exactly, it’s just Bruce: The Hulk.”

“Jamie, please. You are going to have to stop dotting on me sooner or later.”

“Then let it be later, doll. Just give me some time to have you with me and I promise that I will stop puppy dogging you once I feel you are safe enough,” James negotiated.

“I am in the safest place in the world, sweetheart, surrounded by America’s finest. But, because it’s you, I will allow you to escort me until you feel that I am sufficiently protected.”

“Thank you, Y/n.”

 

James kissed my forehead and then finished getting dressed. I waited for him by the door and eventually James decided to grace me with his escort. He grabbed my much smaller hands in his and walked with me down to the lab.

 

In the elevator, James pressed a lonely kiss onto my hairline. I smirked looking up at him. He just chuckled and held my hand tighter turning to wait for the door to open. I laughed a bit at his shy gestures. For such a smooth guy, you would never expect such a patient and shy lover to be underneath.

 

The elevator ringed and opened. James led me to the lab at a rather brisk pace, almost at one point dragging me behind him. I pulled back on his arm to slow him down, but he ignored it. We slowly came to the door that led into it and he held the door open for me like the true gentleman he is.

 

“I’m sorry for bringing company, Bruce, but he won’t leave me alone,” I said as I winked to James.

“That’s fine, the more the merrier,” Bruce said as he nervously chuckled.

“So, what are we up to today?”

“Some power checkups to see if any new ones had manifested and we are going to try to take some blood to have on hand in case you need a transfusion at some point.”

“Alright, seems pretty standard. Where do you want me to start?”

“Vision and hearing first.”

 

I made my way over to the little booths and sat inside them. James moved to follow me, but the glare I gave him told him to wait for me outside of the booth. They went simply and smoothly enough. Vision had increased marginally but that was chalked up to be any number of things. Hearing was relatively the same as well, meaning that portions of my powers were beginning to settle in.

 

Next up was strength and endurance testing. I was able to punch through a few bricks at one point, but this appointment I was able to kick through a steel sheet. I was surprised, but mightily satisfied with myself. I looked over to James for praise, but he just kept his eyes hooded watching my every movement. The endurance testing was not what normally occurred as no needles were involved this time. I was able to run a mile in about 5 minutes today, which was a bit slow. James’ gaze had me a bit unnerved as he glared at random objects in the room and then stared at me.

 

Over time, I began to manifest some telekinesis. It was still severely weaker than any of my other abilities, but I was working on making it stronger. The time I used it against Tony was the most I was able to use at one time, but I had never been able to do it again because it was adrenaline from a detected threat. I didn’t want to be put in that situation and Bruce said it would be impossible to control if we tried that. Today was no different, able to hold things and move them. Bigger objects took more concentration and with James there, it was difficult. I looked to Bruce, and he nodded in understanding.

Bruce asked me to sit back in the chair and told me to relax. He was about to attempt, once again, to draw blood. I tried to control my breathing as he slid the needle in. A few taps on my arm and a heavy sigh later, Bruce told me that I could go.

 

“No luck today?” I asked.

“Nope. It’s starting to seem that we won’t ever be getting lucky with you. You’re just too much of a trouble maker,” Bruce joked.

“Am I free to go then, Mr. Scientist?”

“I suppose so, Patient. Have a good day,” Bruce said as he turned around to catalog his findings.

 

I tapped James on the shoulder to break him out of staring match he was having with the ficus in the corner. When he didn’t move, I pulled on his flesh arm. He looked angrily up at me, but his face softened immediately. James stood up and grabbed my hand a little too tight, leading me out of the room.

 

We continued with the brisk pace back to the elevator. James seemed to be on high alert the entire time. He pulled me so we were jogging down the hall. When we reached the elevator, he began to hit the up button repeatedly, turning around again to surveil the hallway. The elevator opened and we went inside it. The button mashing continued until the door closed.

 

“What’s wrong with you?” I asked him.

“Nothing’s wrong, doll,” he said briskly.

“Why are you acting like this?” I prodded.

“I’m not acting like anything,” he maintained.

“James, look at me. What is going on? You look like you are ready to kill someone. You almost killed the poor ficus in the corner with you glaring earlier,” I said trying to keep the mood lighter.

“I told you I’m fine.”

 

The elevator opened once again. James grabbed my wrist tightly once again, but this time we walked to my room. I opened up the door and James walked in, bumping my shoulder as he walked past. I glanced worriedly at him, when he began pacing in the living room of my small apartment.

 

“You are going to burn holes in my carpet if you don’t slow down, James,” I said trying to get his attention so he would talk to me.

“James, please stop. Just tell me what has you so worked up.”

“James, stop. Please?”

 

I walked over to him and grabbed his shoulder. He swatted my arm off and grabbed it with his metal arm. James held my arm there for a second, his eyes searching for something in my face. When he couldn’t find anything, he dropped my arm and resumed his pacing.

 

“James, you’re worrying me. What are you doing?” I asked again, trying to remain calm even though I knew he was slowly losing himself to the soldier.

“James, I think I’m going to go find Steve, okay?” I said, in an attempt to keep my cool.

 

When he didn’t say anything, I began to walk over to the door. As soon as I had my hand on the doorknob, he stopped pacing. I looked back at him for a nod of approval, but he stood there staring at me. It was almost as if he was daring me to leave him. I remained, waiting for him to say something.

 

I opened the door and James came over to my side. I looked over to him with another worried expression, but he was scanning the hallway for dangers. I pushed him back slightly, and he grabbed my wrist holding it again. He searched my face again and then dropped my hand to search the hallway more.

 

I closed the door, watching his reaction. James walked away from me without any words or explanation and continued his pacing. I sat on the couch and watched as he paced back and forth. I had to get to Steve somehow and get him to help me snap him out of his mood.

 

Was he being this protective because I could remember him now? No, it was more than that, he had gone almost full Soldier mode. I think me remembering everything triggered his protective side though. As soon as I let him come with me to Bruce’s lab, he switched seeing me as more of a protection mission than anything else.

 

“JARVIS?” I asked calmly.

“Yes?” the voice responded.

“Can you ask Steve to come here? Tell him it’s urgent.”

“Of course.”

 

James stopped his pacing to look at me. He sat down on the couch next to me and pulled me into his side. I figured that he still saw me as his lover of sorts since he is sitting with me practically in his lap. James still knew who I was, but he was having trouble deciphering the realities. I took his hands in mine, as we would normally do when one of us got nervous. I held his hands like this until a knock on the door sounded through the room.

 

I got up to answer it and James was right there behind me. I opened the door and motioned for Steve to come in. He knew it was serious given that I didn’t come find him myself. Steve smiled at James, who just glared at him looking him up and down.

 

“Let’s sit down on the couch,” I said trying to break the silence.

“Of course,” Steve said.

 

James and I sat down on the couch and Steve took one of the decorative chairs across from it. I sat down first, then Steve, then James after a long pause. He sat down next to me the same way he did before, pulling me nearly into his lap. James held me like I was his teddy bear and his parents were threatening to take it away, but he looked much more deadly than an upset toddler.

 

“So, Steve…” I started awkwardly, “… I think we have a bit of a situation, here.”

“I can tell. What started it,” Steve said as James gripped me tighter.

“It happened when I woke up, I wasn’t quite feeling myself,” I said as if I were saying that I was the problem hoping that Steve would understand I was talking about James, he nodded like he understood my pauses reasoning, “I was feeling quite attached this morning. When Bruce came in explaining that I had a checkup today, I didn’t want to go, especially not alone.”

 

James held me a bit tighter at the mention of me being alone. I moved so that I could be facing more towards him, holding his hand to calm him a bit. He seemed to have relaxed quite a bit, so I decided it was safe to continue because he hadn’t quite caught on yet.

 

“Walking down the hallway seemed a bit scary so we walked faster. I had my wrist held the entire time so I felt much safer. We eventually made it to Bruce’s lab, and I stared at various objects and Bruce with an unexpected anger. It made me uncomfortable to have so much anger inside me,” I said pausing again.

 

Steve nodded at me to continue, a worried expression crossed his face. He quickly replaced it with a friendly and happy face to not tip James off. James shifted uncomfortably and I let go of his hand. He stood up and began his pacing again, this time at a slower pace.

 

“My appointment was done with and it took me a bit to get out of my angered trance. We continued with our swift pace back to the room. I was even angrier this time and I was more cautious instead of scared. I almost broke the elevator button with my anger. When I made it back to the room, I began pacing back and forth with the same rage. I called you a short time later…” I paused as James realized I was talking about him.

 

He jumped over the back of the couch, landing with a plop next to me. James pushed me behind him slightly, covering me with his body. I sat up and gently rubbed his thigh. He and Steve were having a starring contest, daring each other to move.

 

I slowly brought my hand up and started threading my fingers through James’ hair to calm him down. He looked down at me and put his arms to his sides. Steve stood up and James tensed up again so he sat back down.

 

“Hey, Buck?” Steve asked carefully watching James’ head snap back to watch him.

“Buck, it’s me, Steve. You need to come back to me, Buck. You’re safe here. We aren’t with Hydra.”

“Yea, Jamie. We’re fine. We’re just in my room,” I said seeing what Steve was saying.

 

James tightened up hearing both of us trying to talk to him. I kept stroking his hair to keep him calm, but he seemed to be losing his cool. I paused for a second and kept cooing at him. Steve set him off when he said Hydra again. James flipped me off the couch and pinned me to the ground. Steve launched to get him off me, but I stared at him. He backed off, ready to get him off me if I need him too.

 

“Hey, Jamie, it’s just me. I’m not a threat, I’m just a girl.”

 

James looked so confused. Inside his mind, he was battling himself. His grip varied with his thought process. I maintained a straight face as he continued to fight himself.

 

“That’s it, Jamie. You’re safe here with me, Buck. I’m not going to hurt you, James.”

 

The Soldier inside of him broke and he looked scared. James sat back which allowed me to sit up. I moved to put my hands around his again, but he jumped back. I looked at him confused, but he just stood up backing himself into the wall. Once he hit the wall, however, he ran out of the room.

 

I tried to get up but the tears in my eyes were blurring my vision. Steve helped pull me up and hugged me tightly, explaining that he would go find him and calm him down. He put me back on the couch, looking at me sadly.

 

“I’m going to go calm him down. JARVIS, get Wanda and Pietro in here and start tracking Bucky down. Are you going to be alright in here while I go find him?”

“Yea, just make sure he knows he didn’t hurt me for, okay Steve?” I asked quietly.

“Stay here, don’t let Buck in here until I tell you. He may still be dangerous and if he hurts you, he won’t forgive himself,” Steve said.

“Sure, just hurry he shouldn’t be alone right now.”

“Sir, I have found Mr. Barnes’ location. He is currently in the containment chamber. I have also notified the Maximoffs and they are on their way right now,” JARVIS said.

“Go, Steve. I’ll be fine.”

 

With that, Steve ran out of the room. James already blamed himself and was trying to lock himself away. I hoped that Steve would be enough to convince him otherwise. As the twins came in, I felt the tears fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for 1,000 hits!


	13. Escape

Wanda and Piet had left a long time ago, leaving me in the crippling silence. I did not blame them, though. It was quite late. No, scratch that it was just early, 4 a.m. early.  I had stayed up for the entire night just worrying and contemplating what to do.

 

I shifted to lie on my back for about the eighth time since I tried laying down 6 hours ago. Staring at the ceiling offered no comfort either. It got to the point where I was tired to being tired. Throwing the covers off the bed, I made my way out of my room to nowhere in particular.

 

Most everyone was asleep at this point so I decided to wander down the halls. I heard rustling in the kitchen so I went there. Maybe whoever it was looking for a conversation as well as an early morning snack. Nearing the door, I saw it was Steve. I wanted to rush to him because I had so many questions about James to ask, but he looked frustrated.

 

“Steve?” I asked quietly so I didn’t startle him too badly.

“Oh, hey, Y/n,” he answered, sounding a bit tired himself.

“Why are you up here? Shouldn’t you be asleep?” I said worried he was too stressed to sleep.

“No, I was just trying to get some food,” he said, avoiding James entirely.

“Alright, have a nice meal.”

“He’s not himself still, it isn’t safe out here for you. Maybe you should get what you need and go back to your room,” Steve attempted to suggest, but it came off as more of a command.

“I was thinking of doing some training, I’ve been in my room long enough to drive anyone insane,” I said

“I really think you should go back to your room, but I’m not going to stop you. Straight there and straight back, you have an hour and that’s it. I expect you in your room by 5:18, understood. I will be checking in with JARVIS,” Steve commanded outright.

“What is up with you 40’s men and controlling things?” I asked to no one in particular.

 

I walked away to go to the gym. If I only had an hour in there, I was going to use it to its full potential. I made my way down the hallway rather briskly, enjoying my temporary freedom.

 

Upon entering the gym, I started running on the treadmill. It was the fastest way to get out my nervous energies and the most physically destructive. I chuckled to myself at how much of a masochist I was becoming.  I continued sprinting for about a half hour and then moved to the weights.

 

I didn’t normally like weightlifting, but it seemed like something to do for a few minutes. I picked up what I felt was going to give me a thorough workout, but I never bothered to look at the weight of them. After completing as many reps as I felt was safe, I stopped, wondering what I should do next.

 

I decided to swim for the remaining 15 minutes as a final warm down. Stripping down into my bra and underwear, I slid into the water, gliding effortlessly across the mirror like surface. It had been a long time since I had glided through the water like that. It felt really good, and I figured that I could do it again sometime. I don’t actually remember the last time I went swimming, not because I lost my memory though, because it was long before I went with Hydra to help them with their mission. Little did I know where I would end up. I got out of the pool, attempting to dry off my underclothing. After much success, I was able to put my clothes on confidently knowing there wouldn’t be any embarrassing wet spots.

 

It was about 5:20 so I decided to head back to my room. I knew that Steve was going to have my head on a platter for me being late, but I was in no hurry to return to my temporary prison with no word on how James was doing. There was a slam of a door down the hallway and some shouting, someone shouted good morning and then some agitated screams.

 

JARVIS was above me asking me to go back to my room quickly, but I figured it was just Steve. I did quicken my pace a bit, so I wouldn’t be caught, but there was no real reason to. JARVIS then told me that James wished to know where I was and if I wanted to let him come see me. I told JARVIS that I would be in my room, whenever he wanted to be there. JARVIS then responded that he was on his way.

 

James coming to see me had me excited. I ran most of the way to my room, eager to see him and ask how he was. I was just coming to the door when JARVIS told me there was a situation. Before I asked him what it was, I saw James. He was running towards me so I opened my door to let him in the room.

 

James, instead of slowing down, grabbed my wrist and pulled me along with him. I assumed we were running away from whatever danger the building was in. I didn’t get a chance to catch what the threat was, but it seemed important so I didn’t question it.

 

We made it down to the garage and James sat down on one of the motorcycles that were immune to tracking. He motioned for me to sit behind him and I grabbed a helmet for both of us. After we put them on, I secured my arms around his waist and he sped off.

 

I didn’t know where we were going, but I wasn’t going to question it, I trusted James. Soon there were police cars everywhere, heading in different directions. After a while, it seemed that we were heading in to help whatever the problem was because all of the emergency vehicles were following us. I continued to hold onto him, giving him reassurance with my grip when I felt it was safe. James still didn’t respond, but I assumed he was just focused.

 

We continued down the road at a breakneck speed. If it weren’t for James’ expertise in motorcycle driving, we would probably be roadkill. The sirens seemed farther away now as we bobbed and weaved through the heavy highway traffic. It felt like we were riding for hours.

 

James eventually pulled off the highway for a quick break. I wanted to ask him what was going on, but he just parked the motorcycle in some abandoned parking lot. I took off my helmet, still sitting on the motorcycle, and watched James take his off and pace. His hair was matted down with sweat and exhaustion, but his eyes held a different story entirely.

 

“What happened, James? Why are we out here?” I asked.

“Shut up,” James yelled.

“James, what’s going on? Why are we out here? This is the middle of nowhere,” I asked again.

“I said shut up,” James yelled again.

 

He was still in Soldier mode. He had never left Soldier mode. The realization hurt me deeply. Now I knew that he was the situation, the problem. We were on the run from the Avengers, not running to help someone. I got off the motorcycle, distancing myself from him slightly.

 

“Soldier, what is your mission?” I asked, hoping he would respond.

“I don’t know, where am I? Where’s my sister? What happened to my arm? Oh god, what happened to my arm? Where’s my arm? Where am I? What’s going on?” James screamed.

 

James broke down, holding himself in a tight ball. I walked over to him and held him in my arms as he cried. It seemed that the man out of time was never going to forget either time or remember the time in between. He felt so lost, I could tell. Everything was coming back to him at once and it terrified him. The only thing I could think of doing was hold him.

 

“James, what happened to you?” I asked quietly.

“Y/n, I don’t remember much, I know I went into Soldier mode. I just had to get away from them; I needed to get back to you. The urge to come find you was so strong; I think they had to put me in restraints. All they wanted was for me to tell them information; they thought that I would remember more. I had to get away, I’m sorry. They were going to come for you to, Steve told me so. He said he needed to find you,” James said.

“James, love, they just wanted to know what made you into the Soldier. What caused you to shift into that headspace, rather. Steve wanted to find me because he gave me an hour to go to the gym because he was afraid you would come after me if you broke. I was a bit late in getting back, so he was probably worried,” I said hoping that it explained the situation sufficiently.

 

We agreed to stop at a hotel just down the road, book a room, and call back Steve to let him know where we were. James felt guilty the entire time, but I managed to coax him into letting me drive the motorcycle so he could rest emotionally. He held my hips tighter than need be. Being closer to me seemed to help him, but he remained silent for the most part.

 

I made the trip to the hotel in half the time because I was really worried about James. I walked with him into the hotel, agreeing that we were a couple on a bit of a road trip. I booked a room with a single bed with the emergency cash that we found in the motorcycle.

 

We sat in the room for a few minutes. I tried to get James to relax a bit, but he just kept tapping whatever extremity I wasn’t holding still. James wanted to pace, but I asked him not to in case Steve had questions for him. I was to do most of the talking because James was too ashamed.

 

I sat against James who leaned on the bed frame. He wanted to hold me for two reasons. The main being the close proximity to me always helped him calm down and the secondary was it would be easier for him to listen in on the conversation, while maintaining the illusion of security. I dialed the number and waited for it to ring. James jumped a bit when the phone connected, but sat otherwise still so he wouldn’t give himself away.

 

“Steve, it’s Y/n,” I said to start off the conversation, ready to get a tongue-lashing.

“Y/n, oh thank god. We’ve been compromised. Hydra reestablished itself enough to scale an attack on the Avengers Tower, it is pretty much destroyed. They are looking for you. If James is there and coherent tell him that you need to go to Safe House 13. If he’s still in soldier mode, hide until he comes out of it and then get there. Maintain radio silence, there’s a phone there, when it rings answer it. We’ve been talking too long they will start tracking us, good luck,” Steve said hanging up.

 

I hung up as well, looking over my shoulder at James. He looked even more nervous now that he had heard what had happened. I pulled away from his grip to sit in between his legs facing him. I grabbed his hands to snap him out of whatever thought process he was in.

 

“How far out is it?” I asked.

“It’s about five hours from here. There’s a forest with a safe house in a tree that has been there for years. It looks old and disgusting on the outside, but on the inside it is fully refinished and fully stocked full of food and ammunitions,” James said getting off the bed.

“Are we leaving now?”

“You heard Steve, it isn’t safe here. We need to leave right now.”

“James, are you sure you can handle it? I can ride if you want,” I offered.

“I can handle it. I appreciate it though,” James said.

 

We got a refund for the room and apologized, explaining that we got a second wind and wanted to get further. The woman looked at us as if we were strange, but we just smiled it off. As we walked out, I felt James tense up.

 

The ride there was long and quiet. We were the lone vehicle on the rode so were able to speed the entire time. The trip was about three and a half hours away with our increased speed. I offered several times to James to drive, but he ignored me and drove faster each time.

 

The forest the tree house was coming into view. I tightened around James’ middle to let him know I saw it. He had not talked the entire trip and I did not expect him to start now. James was still lost and confused after having come out of a rather lengthy memory lapse.

 

We left the bike in some brush about half a mile out from the tree house. James walked ahead of me and cleared the brush so we could walk without scratching ourselves too badly. The treehouse looked horrid. It had peeling paint in some places and rotten wood in others. I looked to James, who was now quite far ahead of me.

 

Climbing the rope to get inside, we were met with warm oak flooring and nice white plaster walls. It did not appear to be the same building on the inside. It looked like a quaint cottage with all the comforts of a country home. I stood there taking in the room.

 

James looked around the room and turned on the thermostat. The machine came to life and I turned to look at James to see what he turned on. We made eye contact for a brief second, but James broke it. He turned around and tried to find a bedroom.

 

“You need to talk it out, James,” I said, hoping that he wasn’t trying to shut himself in.

“I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean for us to be out here, especially alone,” James said quietly.

“James, you saved us. We would have been captured again, I would have been wiped again and we would be back to the beginning again. Why are you so nervous about us being alone?” I asked.

“I will hurt you.”

“When have you ever hurt me?” I asked, slightly taken aback at his confession.

“I will slip and hurt you. You don’t know what I’m capable of. I don’t even know what I’m capable of.”

“James, I can handle myself. I can protect myself. We should just get to bed, it’s late,” I said trying to convince him otherwise.

“You can, the bedroom is down the hall. I think I am going to stay out here and sleep on the couch,” James said firmly.

“I guess it does look comfy,” I said not wanting to leave him alone.

 

I turned both the lights off, leaving the room dimly lit up by the moon. James laid down on the couch, closing his eyes slowly. I walked over to him, loud enough that he could hear me coming. His eyes opened when I got closer while the rest of his face remained stone. I kneeled down next to his head and began to run my fingers through his hair to help him sleep.

 

“Go to bed, Y/n,” James pleaded.

“I am,” I responded.

“In your room. Go to bed in your room, please,” James continued pleading hoping I would leave.

“Not without you, I will go wherever you are, but I won’t go without you,” I said.

“Please, I need you to go to sleep in the other room, Y/n. Please, just do as I ask for once,” James said.

“Do you really need me to? Are you sure, you don’t want me to? Do you need me to leave?” I said heartbroken.

“No, I don’t need you to. I just want you to. It’ll give you some time to get out of here if I switch into _him_ again.”

“James, either come to bed with me or let me stay out here with you,” I said, tired of arguing.

“Fine, know that I really don’t want to but I am because if I don’t you won’t leave me alone. Where do you want to sleep?” James said half-heartedly.

“We can be really close on the couch or have some distance on the bed. I’m assuming you want the bed so that you can be further away from me,” I said still heartbroken.

“It’s not that I don’t want to be near you, Y/n. I get very possessive of you when I’m the Soldier. I will try to protect you and end up hurting you either mentally or physically. I cannot lose you again, it will literally destroy me, Y/n. Can’t you see I’m trying to protect you?”

“James, yes I understand. I also understand that you will never hurt me intentionally. As far as I’m concerned, you and the Soldier are different people, now where do you want to go to bed, love? We need to sleep. It’s been a long day,” I said trying to put the conversation to an end for the night.

“I don’t want to move,” James, said laughing a bit.

“So the couch then?”

“Sure, just give me a second to move over.”

 

I lay down next to James who put his arms securely around my middle.  I felt him sigh behind me and start to relax as he held me like a life-sized teddy bear. I moved to be closer to him and he responded by trying even harder to pull me against him. It felt nice to have him near me again.

 

It didn’t really worry me that he would shift in the night because it was James, my Jamie. He had a bit of a fitful sleep and woke me up a few times. I feared that the nightmares were worse now that he had slipped into the Soldier for a bit longer than normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, let me know if you have any scenes you want to see and I'll try and work it in and I hope you enjoyed  
> -Sky <3


	14. Let's Just End It All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's short, but James and you decide that you cannot just sit in this house and wait while your friends and siblings take out Hydra for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty, sorry I have been gone my dear. I have been doing a lot of homework to get ready for AP testing and have been a musical trying to learn it for my friend who's a lead who lost her voice. With all that being said, I've been in a weird spot emotionally, which isn't very nice to write in because it is all very choppy. With that being said I needed to get something out today so I could explain and say that updates are going to be infrequent but present over the next few weeks. This chapter is a bit choppy and more of a filler because I'm still in that weird state. There's a lot of unintentional angst that doesn't have a lot of build up, but expect much much more later on.
> 
> Thanks,  
> Sky <3

When I woke up, I was on top of James, still securely wrapped in his arms. I giggled a bit when I realized the ridiculousness of the situation. James chuckled as well when he felt my vibrations. He kept his eyes closed which made me come to the conclusion that he was awake and had been waiting for me to get up.

 

“Was this intentional, or no?” I asked, playing innocent.

“Are you implying that you don’t like this situation, Y/n? Because if not, I can stop and just never hold you again,” James pretended to chastise.

“You play a dirty game, Mr. Barnes,” I responded.

“And you, doll, shouldn’t play dumb. It doesn’t suit you very well,” James chided slightly.

“Are you implying that you don’t like playing games, Jamie? Because if not, I can stop and just never talk to you again,” I replied with the same tone he used.

“Oh, you play a dirty game, Y/n,” James said mocking me this time.

 

I rested my forehead against his chest and breathed in his scent – a mix of sweat and musk that was uniquely his own. James’ stomach growled a bit and he blushed bright red. I picked my head up and smirked at him.

 

“What do you want for breakfast?” I asked.

“I don’t even know what’s in the cupboard. Want to come with me and check? I think Tony was in here a couple of weeks ago and complained that it wasn’t fully stocked. They all should be fully stocked with food and cleaned out when not in use. We should be fine,” James said.

“Okay, well, what sounds good?”

“Either an omelet or waffles.”

“Can we have waffles, I can’t remember the last time I’ve had a good waffle for breakfast.”

“Waffles it is,” James said lifting me up and carrying me bridal style to the kitchen.

 

He began to busy himself with getting all the ingredients. It was evident that he had been here before as he moved around the kitchen with ease. After piling all of the necessary items on the counter, James began to pour different amounts of everything into a large bowl. He began to busy himself by humming a song I didn’t recognize.

 

“What song is that?” I asked.

“I don’t quite remember, I only know I liked it a lot back in the day,” he responded, disappointed.

“Oh, I didn’t mean to bring up a sore spot,” I said.

“It’s fine. I have to face it sooner or later,” James said ending the conversation.

 

The room fell silent after that. It was a rather uncomfortable silence, but James didn’t seem to mind all that much. I began to think of the night before and all the events that had led to us being here. All of the running, all of the anxiety, all of the problems that had occurred since I got out of my position with Hydra. I watched as he poured the batter into the waffle maker and shut it. He turned his attention back towards me. James walked back towards me and stood in between my legs as I remained on the counter.

 

“What’s wrong, doll?” James asked.

“Is this what our life is meant to be now?” I countered.

“What do you mean by that, Y/n?”

“I mean, are we just destined to spend our lives on the run like this? Is this what everything ends up like?”

“No, doll, this is just temporary.”

“Ever since I got to S.H.I.E.L.D. I have done nothing but run.”

“Where is this coming from? You were fine a few minutes ago.”

“I was just thinking about how we got here.”

“If you think this is your fault, it’s not,” James said, walking away to get the waffles out, “come get some waffles.”

“James, I don’t really think I want to eat right now,” I said, not feeling well.

“No, doll, you need to come eat some waffles. Even if you want to have them plain, you can, but you have to eat something,” James insisted.

 

I sat down at the small table as James put a waffle square in front of me. James motioned for me to eat, and I felt a sense of déjà vu when I was with Sara and she wanted me to eat. I cut the waffle into smaller pieces and proceeded to eat it. I sighed in happiness slightly because they were good.

 

“Thank you, James,” I said when I finished my waffle.

“My pleasure,” he responded softly.

 

I got up and put my dish in the dishwasher after rinsing it. Moving to the living room, I sat on the couch and pushed my face into the couch to try to shake the feeling of worry and nausea. James came and sat down next to me. I looked up at him and he smiled slightly. He got up, leaving me once again. I put my face back into the couch, not wanting to talk and ask him to stay. I figured I would just cope with my loneliness for the time being and fix whatever I did later.

 

James sat back down on the couch, however, with a large fluffy blanket. I looked up to him again, and he beckoned me to come sit against him with his eyes. He laid down on the couch and pushed himself further into the couch. I laid down in between his legs, with my back against his chest. James, however, was not satisfied. He pulled me so that I was a ball on his lap with my side against his chest so he could hold me closer.

 

“I will always be here for you, you know,” James spoke.

“And I, you,” I answered.

“Will you tell me what’s wrong now?” James asked.

“I don’t know, really. I’m tired of running, I guess,” I responded.

“Well, you are safe here, no more running for the time being. Now, I know that that isn’t the real problem though,” James chided.

“Why must there be so much evil in the world?” I asked.

“I haven’t quite figured that one out myself, love. All I know is that the reason we are here is to stop the evil from spreading. I guess they are there to maintain the balance,” James spoke again.

 

I accepted the answer for now, and snuggled closer into James as he threw the fluffy blanket over us. He kissed the top of my head repeatedly. I lifted my head up towards his to try to get an actual kiss. As soon as he reached my nose, he stopped. I sighed in defeat as he looked down at me.

 

“Not yet. I want our second first kiss to be something special, like on a date. I don’t want it to be out of pity, I want it to be out of need,” James said smoothly.

“But, James, I do need you. You understand me, what I’ve gone through what I will be going through, and I understand what you went through,” I insisted.

“Not that kind of need, love,” James said, chuckling a bit at my naïveté.

 

We laid there for a long while, maybe even an hour or two, just enjoying each other’s company.  James was trying to calm me by writing words into my skin with his flesh fingers. I held his metal hand, much to his frustration. He was always self-conscious of the appendage, but I didn’t mind.

 

I was once again going back to what I had done to get myself here. The current threat of Hydra seemed to never go away, and I felt that it never would. I tensed at the feeling that I would never be free from them. James continued to try to distract me with the letters he was drawing, but I ignored them.

 

The only way, that I could see us getting rid of the Hydra threat would be to fight them ourselves, not hiding. Hiding was only going to prolong it and get people killed. Those who had killed so many were going to kill my friends and my siblings.

 

I felt this overpowering sense of rage empower me to find and kill the Hydra agents. I sat up quickly and got off of James. I needed to move, I had to get out, I had to get to them. James pulled my arm with his metal one as I realized that I had never let go of his hands.  

 

“James, they are trying to die for me, for us. I cannot let them die while I just sit here and cuddle with you. I have to help them fight,” I said.

“Steve told us to sit tight, you heard him yourself. We have to let them handle this.”

“James, I have to go. I have to, bringing Hydra back here is my fault. I should handle it.”

“I’m not going to let you go alone,” James spoke confidently.

“So does that mean we are going rogue?” I asked.   
“I guess so.” James answered.

 

With that, we both packed up and cleaned the things we had used, careful to not leave a trace of our existence. We climbed out of the tree-house with as many weapons and ammunition as we could find, deciding to arm ourselves well. We both agreed to hit headquarters and get our familiar training gear before tracking down Hydra and ending as many of them as we could find.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, let me know what you think in the comments below. Advise or Criticize, but do it nicely. Talk it out with each other, and let me know if there are any scenes you want in there.


	15. Changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things change dramatically as you decide to fight Hydra for the sake of your so-called friends.

James and I made our way out onto the road and grabbed the motorcycle from the bushes where we hid it and walked back out to the main road. We agreed that we would have to go back to headquarters to get some of our gear considering none of us had any firearms.

 

The ride back to SHIELD was long and silent. James and I traded off who was riding, but never stopped for more than gas. I was in the back now, holding on to James’ middle. He was tense and it showed in his neck and shoulders. I squeezed him slightly so that he understood I was here for him, but James just shook his head. The silence was bugging me. Thoughts about James recessing filled my mind.

 

We neared the familiar town that the headquarters was surrounded by and James slowed down to a normal speed so that we would not be as detectable. As we made our way closer, James tensed again. He seemed ready to fight at any moment. He parked the motorcycle in the garage.

 

The building was not in that bad of shape for only having two days to recover. There were new doors at the front so something must have happened. Once inside, there was not a whole lot changed. The chairs were new so they must have been destroyed. The people inside were status quo, not concerned or worried about much. We walked up into the elevator and went up to our respective rooms agreeing to meet at the motorcycle with as much gear as we could get in a half hour.

 

I walked briefly into my room. The furniture in the main room was tossed and trashed. It was sad to see my room in this state of dismay. I walked into my bedroom and saw my bedcovers on the floor and the mattress against the wall. The wardrobe, however, was in perfect condition. I slowly stripped out of my clothing, careful to make as little sound as possible. I changed into my mission suit, which thankfully still fit like a glove. Being fit into the tight suit gave me a sense of relief and confidence knowing that I was once again bulletproof and safe inside my custom suit. I went towards the rest of the clothing and put some leggings and a baggy sweater over it. I took the rest of clothes from the wardrobe and shoved them in a duffle bag. I moved to get to the weapons now that were hidden by a back panel.

 

I opened it and used my handprint to unlock the weapons portion that was set into the wall. I grabbed my long rifle and slung it over my shoulder. Next were my pistols: two ankle pistols, a thigh pistol with a holder, and one that fit comfortably in my hand. I took off my sweater and added straps around my middle and attached knives and additional ammo to it. Putting my sweater back on, I put my hair up into a tight ponytail.

 

Moving towards the bathroom, I threw all of my toiletries into the duffle that contained my clothes. I didn’t have to bring any feminine hygiene products though because I didn’t need any because of what Hydra did to me and James had no use for them.

 

I looked at the clock, I had 10 more minutes before we were supposed to meet. I decided to head down anyway, hoping James was there too and we could get out early. I stopped at the training room, got some more ammo, and shoved that in my duffle bag.

 

Something was wrong: there was not anyone here. I rushed down to the garage and looked frantically for James. He was at the motorcycle, just like he said he would be. This time, however, the motorcycle was different. It had more storage capabilities than the other because it had side compartments.

 

“Give me your duffle,” James said.

“James, something’s wrong here,” I whispered.

“What do you mean?” James asked.

“There aren’t any Avengers here, no one’s training, and no one questioned us being here,” I responded.

“That is weird, but we can’t afford to figure out what’s going on here,” James spoke.

“We can’t afford to get caught because we weren’t careful enough,” I said angrily.

“Y/n, we have a different agenda right now. Our mission is to stop Hydra, they don’t even know we are out and about. Risking this could mean not completing the mission, is that what you want?” James asked.

“James, all I’m saying is something is wrong. I still want to go after Hydra, I just don’t want them to get hurt,” I said, sighing afterwards.

“Get on the bike, we can call them once we are a safe distance away. I grabbed the emergency phone from the treehouse,” James said, getting on the bike himself.

 

He rolled slowly out of the garage, trying to draw little suspicion. Once we reached the gate that lead us out, a siren went off throughout the building behind us. The gate was not opening so James revved the motorcycle and drove through it. I pulled my gun out of my thigh holster and began to aim it at whatever came at us.

 

The building began to swarm with Hydra agents. As James sped down the road, motorcycles and SUVs came behind us in a flurry. I began to shoot at them, taking out the motorcycles expertly. I whispered my plan to James who nodded. I sat backwards on the motorcycle, keeping my balance with one arm still wrapped around James.

 

The once silent skies erupted with two helicopters and began to rain bullets. I tried to get rid of as many people as I could at once, but they just kept coming. James dodged the cars expertly, and I kept shooting and reloading as fast as I could.

 

Instead, of moving to my ankle pistols, I put mine back in its holster and grabbed James’ and resumed shooting. A motorcycle managed to get ahead of us. I put the pistol over James’ shoulder whom grabbed it and shot the man. James gave the pistol back after that and I resumed shooting.

 

This happened over and over again for the next two hours. It only stopped when a loud clap of thunder sounded and the Avengers themselves came to defeat Hydra. The Avengers immediately took the attention off us. I turned around and grabbed James’ waist again.

 

“James, we should help them,” I pleaded.

“No, I’m not letting them get near you again,” James said as he sped up.

“James, please. No one else can die,” I spoke quietly.

“I can’t let you, I’m sorry,” James responded.

 

I wanted to help them more than most would. Here we were, speeding off away from our mission and leaving the friends we wanted to protect behind. I felt myself let go of James and rest my head against his spine in between his shoulder blades.

 

“James, stop the bike,” I said, trying to sound determined.

“No, put your arms back around me. We are leaving and that’s final.”

“I want to help them. If you won’t take me, I’ll get there myself.”

“Y/n, please. For once, just listen to me okay?”

“James, stop the bike and let me get off or I will get off myself.”

 

James slowed down the bike and turned it around. With a heavy sigh, we sped back towards the fight. I put my arms back around James and kissed his neck lightly. The race back to them became the only thing on our minds. It was obvious that we would stick together and protect each other before the others, but I could feel that James was still worried.

 

As soon as we reached the other, James and I launched off the bike and began shooting the people closest to us. We were soon in a standoff with about 50 Hydra agents as we backed ourselves into an empty brick building. James and I picked them off one by one, but soon found ourselves climbing the stairs at the intensity that they came through the door.

 

“James, we’re cornered,” I commented, feeling nervous.

“I know, we’ve got back up on its way,” James answered as he continued to shoot.       

 

When James finished his sentence, Tony came in and blasted through all the Hydra agents leaving piles of bodies behind him. I looked to James who nodded at me and continued to run up the stairs. I followed behind him as closely as possible, but I kept looking back to shoot the occasional agent.

 

We hit the top of the roof and slowed to a walk, trying to take in our surroundings. I walked over to the edge of the roof and peeked over the edge. There was still a lot of battling happening, but for the most part, it was over. Hydra agents that had fallen in the battle were everywhere, just lying on the ground. I gasped as I saw the sheer amount of dead people around me.

 

It stuck me then. All of these people, dead people, have families: wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, and children. We had ended their lives for our cause while they were trying to kill us for theirs. It felt weird that we were both fighting for different versions of the same goal.

 

I was overwhelmed. Pietro was speeding past the Hydra agents when he looked up and saw me. He waved to me and I stepped back from the side. I turned to ask James if we could go, but he was staring at the ground, hands clenching and relaxing at a breakneck pace.

 

“James, we should go,” I said carefully, touching his arms.

“Right,” James said as he walked away.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“Yea, I just didn’t want you to see that.”

“James, I’m okay. It was just shocking is all,” I spoke as I grabbed his hand to reassure him.

 

We made it down to the street and saw the carnage up close. I felt James’ hand tighten around mine as we neared some of the bodies. I looked up at him with a pained smile. Pietro sped to us and enveloped me into a hug. James stepped back a bit and gave us our space. Piet whispered something into my ear, and sped off with me.

 

I screamed out of surprise, which launched James into action. We were about 30 yards away from him. James was sprinting towards me and I tried to go to him to calm him. Pietro grabbed my arm and held me tight to him.

 

Walls came down from the sky and fell around him. I pulled against Piet and continued to try to get to him. James punched the walls around him and tried to get out of their quickly forming prison. I resisted Pietro harder and tried as best as I could to get out of his grasp. Eventually, once the prison was built, he let me go.

 

I ran to James, trying to get there as quickly as I could. I began scratching at the makeshift prison to try to get James out of there. S.H.I.E.L.D. agents began to crowd around us. Why was he being captured? I began to try to scream at them to stand down, but they wouldn’t listen. Steve came up behind me and put a hand on my shoulder.

 

“Steve, tell them to stand down. He isn’t dangerous,” I yelled.

“I know, but he had your wrist when you came out here. We have to take precautions,” Steve said.

“Then let me be in there with him,” I pleaded.

“Y/n, listen to me. I do _not_ want to do this to him. He is my best friend and it hurts me greatly that I have to do this. The team decided he is dangerous and needs to be put on the backburner for a bit. I don’t have a choice,” Steve said quietly.

“Let me in there, I will calm him down. He is _not_ dangerous. He hasn’t lapsed in a while. He’s fine, he’s back to himself. If anything, you pulling this is what makes him dangerous,” I screamed.

“I don’t have a choice here, Y/n. I’m sorry,” Steve said as he walked away.

“You’re nothing but a coward, Steve,” I shouted at him.

 

He looked back with a pained expression, but walked away. Natasha came up to me next. I glared at her, but she grabbed my arm and pulled me away from James. I spun over her arm to break her hold. I walked back over to James’ container. I heard him breathing heavily. I put my hand on the container to try and reach out to him. James put his hand on it as well.

 

“I will get you out of here, Jamie. I promise,” I whispered.

 

I walked away from the box so that they could take him back to S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters. Natasha came back over to me, but this time just looked at me.

 

“You should back off Steve. He is trying to help you and you are being ungrateful. If I were you, I would hang my head all the way back to headquarters and then apologize, because, I swear, if this happens again I will kill you,” Natasha threatened.

“You can calm down your boyfriend, Bruce, right?” I asked.

“Of course,” Natasha spoke confidently.

“How would you feel if he was imprisoned and you could calm him down,” I questioned.

“It’s different with Bruce and I.”

“How different could it be?”

“Bruce doesn’t have mental breaks,” Natasha stated as she walked away.

 

I stood there as the clean-up crew was beginning to come in. All of the Avengers had left to go patch themselves up, but I wanted to stay to help them. I figured it would be a good exercise for my telekinesis to move the bodies.

 

As I was going to the last pile, I felt exhausted, both emotionally and physically. There was slight movement within the pile and I figured that there had been a rat inside the pile. I turned my back to talk to one of the superior clean-up crew workers about the rat, when one of the supposedly dead Hydra agents sat up. I felt my back erupt in pain and felt the warm liquid trickle.

 

I turned around to see who had shot me, but I wasn’t quick enough to dodge the bullets that the man had continued to shoot. I looked down and saw three more holes in my stomach. I felt the burning sensation that came along with healing start. The clean-up crew shot the man and finished their work.

 

They sent me back to headquarters after that to get some medical treatment and make sure that I healed properly. As I had my middle bandaged, I still felt the burning. The ride was long and quiet so I rested my head against the seat and closed my eyes.

 

I didn’t get to sleep, but it was still much better than being alert. When we arrived, I was put on a gurney and was rushed into the hospital wing. The nurse who was attending me began to carefully take off the bandages and looked confused. She referred back to her clipboard and then looked back at me before walking out of the room.

 

The door closing made a gust of wind come through the room. The wind made my injuries start to burn cold this time. The hot burning sensation fought back against the cold that seemed to be spreading. A doctor came in as I began to writhe on the table.

 

I slammed my head back on the table in pain as Bruce came into the room with some other doctors and nurses. One of the nurses took a piece of cloth and tied it around my head and the table to keep me still. The pain was still there as well as both the cold and hot burning sensations.

 

“What happened, Y/n?” Bruce asked loud so I could hear him.

“Shot,” I replied quickly.

“Adam, get her sedated. We are probably going to have to get some skin tissue to figure out what is cancelling out her abilities. Louise, while he is doing that, you and Ana need to get the infected tissue cut away as well as the first layer of whatever the bullets went through. Charlene, make sure that you get an IV into her right now. Carolyn, I need you to get the team in the meeting room, I need to ask them if they have seen this stuff before. Go, move people,” Bruce commanded.

“Hurts, cold and hot,” I whispered.

“Is it hot because you’re trying to heal yourself?” Bruce asked.

“Yes.”

“Why is it cold though?” Bruce asked.

“Shots are cold,” I mumbled.

“She’s losing her stability people. I need that IV into her now Carolyn. Damon, get her monitored, I want to see if she is losing herself,” Bruce yelled, sounding panicked.

“Doctor Banner, look,” one of the nurses who was getting the infected tissue out spoke.

 

Bruce began to poke and prod at my stomach gently. He gasped a bit and then began to yell more instructions. I tried to fold my neck so I could look at whatever they saw. The nurse held me down when I tried to move which made it difficult to see what they saw. Bruce started to dress into more medically appropriate clothing, putting smocks and gloves over his street clothes.

 

He grabbed a scalpel from one of the nurses and began to make light incisions in my abdomen. I heard the heart monitor begin to beep quickly as I became nervous. Bruce tried to get them to sedate me, but I was immune to every drug they had. I pulled my head up again to look as the burning from the healing stopped. This time, the nurse let go as I looked to my stomach.

 

The skin was black and charred, like I had been in a fire. The burning started up again and I watched carefully to see what happened. The edges of the bullet holes began to glow with a mixture of blue and yellow. I slammed my head back from the sudden sharp pain.

 

Bruce started shouting more instructions and then everyone froze. The heart monitor was beginning to slow down. I felt drowsy as the yelling began again. My head lolled to the side, as I grew more tired. One of the nurses held my head up right, trying to get me to make eye contact. I closed my eyes against the bright lights and felt my body go numb against the burning sensation. I listened to the sounds around me, but could not really do anything about it.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Y/n is gone, sir,” the nurse said to Bruce.

“No, Y/n is not gone. Resuscitate, just try everything,” Bruce whispered.

“Sir, she’s too far gone.”

“Put her on life support, then. Her skin is still trying to regenerate; she’s trying to heal herself. Get Bucky in here,” Bruce commanded.

“Sir, he’s in quarantine. We can’t.”

“Then prep her for transport.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I am not dead, I thought. I am still here.

 

James. He is going to think I am dead. I began to panic internally, which woke me from my comatose state enough to let me feel the pain. My body was still trying to combat whatever the bullets were coated with. James is going to think that this was his fault. It might even be enough to cause him to snap again.

 

I tried to get control of my body. I tried to flex my arm, wiggle my fingers, my toes: anything to prove to myself that I was still alive. I screamed internally and tried to force whatever energy I felt building up inside me out. The burning feeling came back and I knew I was close to being awake. There were no longer any people putting their hands on me as they all walked away. I didn’t know where I was, but I focused on trying to heal myself.

 

There was the scent of something burning, but I figured it was just people trying to cauterize my wounds to help me heal faster. I tried again to move myself around, but to no avail.

 

I felt someone grab my body and hold me against them. I tried as hard as I could to open my eyes. The person holding me held me tighter and began to shake with sobs. Another person joined on the other side of me and slowly took my hand in theirs.

 

I screamed again in frustration and began cursing myself internally for not being able to fight this. I told myself that I would wake up and figure out who was currently mourning me. I became even more frustrated when the person held me tighter as the other person left us both.

 

_Y/n? You’re alive? Can you hear me because I can hear you?_

Wanda. Yes, Wanda I can hear you. I screamed internally asking her not to cry over me. I told her that I was okay and that I couldn’t wake up because I was trying to fight whatever they shot me with.

 

_You were shot?_

 

Yes, unfortunately, I was shot, I thought. I assured her through my mind that I was okay. She chuckled at that and asked me to consider my current situation. I asked her to tell Bruce to put two doses of adrenaline into my system.

 

_Are you sure? That’s enough to hurt someone, isn’t it?_

 

Wanda, it will jumpstart my system. They did it all the time back at Hydra if the dose they gave me was too high. Just please, I begged her through my mind, do it quickly. If I fall asleep now, I don’t know how long it will take for me to wake up.

 

“Pietro, get her to Banner. Tell him she needs two doses of adrenaline. Pure,” Wanda shouted at her brother.

“Wanda, you have to let her go,” Pietro responded.

“I’m talking to her right now. She says ‘you haven’t lost me yet, Piet,’” Wanda remarks.

 

I felt Wanda let go of me and Pietro pick me up. He sped off with me in his arms back into the hospital wing. Piet quickly explained to a nurse that I was still alive and that I needed adrenaline. She refused to give it to him, thinking he was just some junkie. He carefully put me down in a chair and sped away.

 

I was confused. He left me in the hospital wing. With a random nurse, he left me. I felt another gust of wind and the burning began again to become more intense. Two quick jabs in the thigh alerted me to Pietro’s presence. I felt my body spasm a little bit, as he pushed the plungers down.

 

I blinked my eyes open. Pietro picked me up and hugged me. I groaned as my stomach began to try and heal again. He put me down on my feet and held my shoulders up as I tried to get my footing. Wanda rushed in then and hugged me just the same as her brother. She pulled back and looked at my stomach again.

 

“Does it hurt?” She asked.

“Of course, but it’s not the bullet holes, it’s me trying to heal myself,” I explained.

“Y/n?” a voice asked.

 

I turned around to see Tony. He motioned for me to come over to him. As I made my way to him, he had pulled me with him out of the room and down the hallway. I gasped as the walls around a certain white spot on the carpet were completely charred.

 

“Tony, what happened?” I asked.

“You. You happened,” Tony scolded.

“What do you mean?”

“When you were supposedly dead, you blew yourself up, severely injuring some of the nurses trying to help you,” Tony deadpanned.

“I’m so sorry, are they okay?”

“No, they are not okay, Y/n. They are dying. This is what you do to people. You hurt people.” Tony yelled.

“I didn’t mean it, Tony. I never meant to hurt those people,” I whispered.

“You never meant to hurt anyone. That’s a laugh. No one ever means to hurt anyone, but face it you can’t control yourself.”

“Tony, I was in a coma of sorts. How was I supposed to?” I questioned.

“I don’t care, get out of my tower,” Tony commanded.

“What?” I asked, heartbroken.

“Get out. You’re out of the team. You’re on your own. Leave. Now. Never come back, Y/n.”

 

Tony walked away after that. Leaving me to just stand there by myself in the hallway. I went to my room, silently, tears gathering in my eyes. I picked up the few articles of clothing I had. My weapons and my mended mission suit. I hoped that JARVIS would allow me to explain everything to James, but he would not let me control the elevator.

 

I asked JARVIS to have Tony explain to him what had happen and he said he would try. With that hope in mind, I walked out of the building onto the busy streets, trying to blend in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As per usual, I'm sorry for not posting. I have a whole lot going on right now. With that being said, however. I wrote a bit longer of a chapter for you beautiful people. I didn't intend for it to end up like it did, but oh well. More plot twists, right?
> 
> Also as usual, please comment advise and criticize. It motivates me to write and reminds me not to forget about you. Also, now that you are somewhat independent, and story plot suggestions I would be glad to implement.
> 
> Thanks,  
>  Sky <3


	16. Autonomy Revoked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: “I didn’t mean it, Tony. I never meant to hurt those people,” I whispered.  
> “You never meant to hurt anyone. That’s a laugh. No one ever means to hurt anyone, but face it you can’t control yourself.”  
> “Tony, I was in a coma of sorts. How was I supposed to?” I questioned.  
> “I don’t care, get out of my tower,” Tony commanded.  
> “What?” I asked, heartbroken.  
> “Get out. You’re out of the team. You’re on your own. Leave. Now. Never come back, Y/n.” 
> 
> Tony walked away after that. Leaving me to just stand there by myself in the hallway. I went to my room, silently, tears gathering in my eyes. I picked up the few articles of clothing I had. My weapons and my mended mission suit. I hoped that JARVIS would allow me to explain everything to James, but he would not let me control the elevator.
> 
> I asked JARVIS to have Tony explain to him what had happen and he said he would try. With that hope in mind, I walked out of the building onto the busy streets, trying to blend in.
> 
> This time: You are trying to make your own way in the world, but the world seems to like having you as their lap dog.

 

I wandered through the streets aimlessly. I had nowhere to, every location or safe house I thought I could go to would have been compromised when S.H.I.E.L.D. was. It was far time what I decided I was going to do now that I was a free agent. I figured that I still wanted to fight against HYDRA and everything that they stand for. I wanted to protect people.

 

I stole a motorcycle. Took off the plates and switched them for another motorcycle’s. I made my way west, deciding that it was better off if I got farther away. I knew it would hurt James, but me being there was not going to help anyone. To be quite honest, I was leaving for James. It seemed that since we met, he was getting worse in the field – forgetting about the team and focusing solely on me.

 

I was riding well into the night, deciding that stopping would be pointless, as I had no real destination. I settled for California. The forests there would make it easy to hide and still keep slight contact with the outside world. Fighting against Hydra, however, that would require a little bit more practice.

 

I needed to go undercover. Create an entirely new identity for myself. As I rode, I relied on my training once again to come up with a name. I figured that I would become a vigilante of sorts for the area to keep up my training. Panther would still suit me enough to fit my vigilante role, but my name would have to change. Y/n was in the past just like Rose was.

 

Emily? No, too simple. Jasmine? Perhaps. Anastasia? I like that one. I could pass for a young 20 year old or so that was applying for their first credit card and the bank. I should take money out of the Avengers account while I still have access before I get to California. Night turned to day and then day turned to night again. I slept in a random state in a random hotel with a fake credit card all across the country as I made my way.

 

So Anastasia it is. What would Anastasia do with life then? A small flower shop maybe? Something to keep me occupied, but still be under the radar. I could start a beautification initiative and try and gain the trust of the locals like that.

 

I stopped in a random state and visited very bank I could find and took out about a thousand dollars. After about 40 banks or so I had about 60,000 dollars in my bag. I finished my journey to California stopping in a little forest town known as Felton. It was close enough to a big town, but didn’t have all of the busy traffic of a big city – mainly some trailer parks and a few local shops and houses.

 

Putting my money in the bank, I explained that I was new to America and had brought all of my savings with me here. I bought a small fixer upper house under Anastasia Greenly. The next day I began to fix up my house, it had 3 bedrooms, a master and two smaller ones. The plot of land was big and allowed for a lot of expansion into the woods that faced the river that ran behind it. Soon people began to visit me and ask me about where I came from. I said I didn’t remember a lot of it, and they eventually left me alone.

 

I ordered supplies and began to rebuild the destroyed house I now called home. The hardware company delivered it to the house. I built into the night, using my powers as much as possible to keep them stretched out and fine tuning them. It allowed me to build much quicker than I thought it would take and the house.

 

The house was an adorable two bedroom one bath house. It was pretty run down so day by day I took it apart and put it back together. The walls needed to be redone, the electricity rewired. It took time, but I was willing to do it because it kept me fairly busy.

 

My house felt so empty. There was no one but me in my house. The neighbors didn’t even bother to say hello when I moved in. In fact, I got a complaint that I was being too noisy too late at night. I tried to make friends, I really did, but when it came down to it, I just was not the same as them. I wanted nothing more than companionship.

 

The garden was fairly easy to set up. Some dirt and some blockades here and there to keep some small animals out. I planted all sorts of fruits and vegetables for both myself and to sell as well as some flowers. It was tiresome.

 

I began work as a vigilante of sorts. I started with small time crimes: minor thefts, harassment, robberies. I soon felt that there was more that I could do. I started working on crime prevention, making sure that the crimes didn’t happen. The streets eventually became much safer and the area became a lot happier.

 

I adopted a little black kitten I had found wandering around in the streets. It seemed just as lonely as I had been. I named it Winter, after a certain soldier I had grown fond of. I missed him, to be honest. I missed James so much that it hurt. Winter reminded me of him, a stray that was always on alert, always ready to protect me if need be, but always ready to cuddle.

 

A few months passed, summer passed swiftly. The days were long and hot. Slowly, the flower shop gained some local popularity. I had met a few men along the way. These men were determined to get with me, but after several protests, they eventually gave up. One man came as if it was a ritual and got a mixed bouquet of salmon and red roses once a week on Wednesday at 3:00. It was a strange way to meet too, but I considered him a friend.

 

_“Are you Y/n?” the man asked._

_“Yes, sir, can I help you?” I responded politely._

_“I heard you had the best bouquets in the town, and I wanted one for my girlfriend.”_

_“Of course, sir, what do you have in mind?” I asked._

_“Oh, stop with the formalities please. My name’s Scott Lang, call me Scott though. I don’t know much about flowers, just give me something that you would like I guess.”_

_“Sure, Scott,” I commented as I walked away getting the flowers for him._

_I figured that I could get him Salmon roses for desire and red for passion. Maybe it would get him a little bit extra in life, but regardless they complemented each other rather well._

_“Here you go, Scott. That’ll be twenty-seven fifty,” I said handing the bouquet to him._

_“Of course, thank you so much,” he responded and gave me the money._

That was how my summer went: always meeting Scott on Wednesdays, always giving him the same bouquet. Summer quickly melted away into fall, however, which brought in some more festivity related business.

 

Winter and I spent many a night outside looking at the stars. The tiny kitten was quite fierce and acted like my little guard dog. Winter had a certain affinity for getting itself into trouble. I always found it stuck in a tree, or on the roof, or even stuck on the top of the bookshelves. I think it wanted me to keep using my powers to keep myself strong. It was a cute thought, but it just brought me back to thoughts about James which made me sad.

 

I spent Halloween alone in my house with Winter, turning all of the lights off to ward off any children. Winter was sporting it’s black fur with pride and I was a witch. As I was closing my shop, a group of children came up to me. They were dressed to the nines in what I assumed to be homemade costumes, because they were so intricate. They looked like the Avengers, all of my old friends. I tried to laugh it off, but the memories came too fast.

 

I quickly gave them the candy I had kept on the store counter and tried to usher them out. The one dressed like Bucky caught my eye though. He stared at me with such pitiful eyes, almost as if he knew what had happened between us, of the love that we might have shared if circumstances were different between us. One of the kids had recognized me as a member of the Avengers and shouted at their mom to take pictures of us together. When the boy ran to his mother, I ran inside the shop and closed the door, locking it behind me.

 

My breathing was rapid and shallow. All of the emotions and the past had been shoved down deep within me for too long, that it had all bubbled up at one time. The mother of the boy knocked on the door to ask for a picture, but I remained on the floor with no intent to get up anytime soon. The kids began screaming at me to open the door for a picture or an autograph.

 

This happened every once in a while. I tried so hard to bottle everything in, to move on. I kept up with my training as best as I could without drawing attention to myself. My telekinesis had improved exponentially. I was now able to move cars for a long time. At one point, I just floated myself in my car all the way to the store and back at night, just to test myself.

 

Physically, I was keeping up my agility. Making sure I took early morning runs, working out both physically and mentally. I tried to let go of my past and keep myself strong. There was a part of me that wanted things to go back to the way they were, but the other part of me knew that I didn’t belong or was wanted there.

 

One particular Wednesday in December, Scott showed up late to pick up his flowers. I chastised him in a friendly way, and we joked around a bit. He had a few cuts on his cheek and I asked him what had happened to him. He brushed it off saying that he had a battle with a bush he was trimming and it won. It looked like he had been in a fight. I let it go because it wasn’t any of my business, but I decided to go out on my pseudo patrols a bit earlier today to see if there were any more fights that needed to be taken care of. Scott noticed my hesitant acceptance, however, and began to explain how he and the petunias started their brawl and the rose bushes got involved to help protect their more delicate friends.

 

Another man came in rather abruptly and interrupted Scott’s story. Scott knew him by the look on his face. He also looked like he was not happy to see him. The man had a certain air about him, like he was better than everyone. Scott shifted towards me and then stood in front of me, trying to put something between the strange man and I. I wondered silently if this was whom Scott had gotten into a fight with. His protective stance suggested as much. I moved around him, putting my hand on Scott’s shoulder in assurance, to try and keep the business running.

 

“Welcome to Anastasia’s, can I help you with a bouquet?” I asked slowly.

“Ah, yes, of course. I want lilies, please,” the man said.

“Sure, can I have a name, please? For booking purposes, only,” I questioned, unconvinced.

“Loki,” the man responded.

“Alright, Mr. Loki, I’ll be right back. Play nice Scott,” I said leaving.

 

Loki. I knew that name. That was Thor’s brother, the god of mischief. I heard Scott get defensive and drop his voice an octave. This was not good, at all. I grabbed the pistol I kept in the back of the shop, loaded it and stuck it in my back pocket. I felt the adrenaline start to flood my system as I made my way to the back room

 

Scott knew Loki. The Avengers kept Loki under wraps since New York, which means that Scott was an insider. I pulled my laptop towards me, yelling out to the front that I would have to go cut some fresh ones. I sat down on the floor with my back to the corner. A muffled okay was my reply.

 

I opened a search engine and typed in _Scott Lang_ and pressed enter. About a hundred files and news articles came up with his name and “Ant Man” appearing in the same lines. They were the same person. Scott was in it with the Avengers. He was spying on me, for them.

 

I felt betrayed. Here I thought I was safe, that I was free from them. Was I not careful enough? How long had I been watched? Was it just Scott or were there others? My mind was racing to try and make sense of it all, but my body was frozen in shock. I heard Scott ask if I was okay, and I responded saying that I was having difficulty keeping the other flowers in the arrangement from taking away from the lilies beauty.

 

After I managed to get myself out of whatever trance I was in, I went outside then to my little cottage house and grabbed my mission backpack. I put on my mission suit and wrapped myself in all of my gear.

 

Everything was just how I had left it. Guns fully loaded. Throwing stars were sharper than ever. I had managed to create some poison tipped darts that would knock out an enemy almost instantly. I strapped all of these to my back along with a couple of flashbangs at my waste and a set of knives in my thigh holster. With two pistols in hand, I walked back to the front of the store.

 

“I don’t know why you are here, but I suggest you leave, before either I leave alone and you’re dead or you leave on your own and leave me the hell alone,” I spoke.

“Look, Y/n, it’s not what it looks like,” Scott tried to explain.

“Get out, now,” I shouted confidently.

“Pesky mortals, always so brave. I am not in the mood to negotiate. Your friend Scott here was supposed to get you to come back under the protection of the Avengers here, but he failed. Hydra has reassembled, and they want you back. Put down your weapons and come quietly,” Loki scolded.

 

I laughed in his face then. He wanted me to go with him willingly. He, however, did not appreciate me laughing at him. The room became charged with energy. I felt that he had some way of manipulating his environment or even telekinesis. My hair began to lift as the energy swirled around me. I tried to tap into it myself and gain some of this abundant energy for myself for a later use. It felt like I was being electrocuted, but I too felt the power surge within me. Loki saw that I was drawing on his energy and immediately stopped whatever he had done to create it.

 

I pulled the door open and launched myself out of the shop. It was training time once again. I felt the familiar adrenaline poor through me as the world slowed down. I put my back against a wall and prepared myself. Loki came out the door and used whatever magic he had to grab my leg and pull me back. I twisted slightly and began shooting at him. Small green portals opened up around him and swallowed the bullets whole.

 

“It’s show time,” I whispered to myself as I grabbed a car with my abilities and slammed Loki with it.

“Y/n, wait. We don’t need to fight right now,” Scott shouted at me from across the street.

“I’m not wanted there. It’s been too long,” I spoke softly.

“He needs you, Y/n.”

“He’s survived this long without me. Maybe it’s better this way,” I answered choking up a bit at the mention of James.

“Bucky hasn’t survived, he merely just exists. Once he was cleared to get out of the chambers, he instantly looked for you, only you weren’t there. Without you, Bucky doesn’t get up in the morning and when he does, he goes into the training room and beats up everything in sight until his fists, knees, and ankles are bloody. From there he sits in your old room until one of us can get him out of there. He sits there for hours and at one point days mourning you. No one told him why you left. He’s scared and he’s lost,” Scott tried to negotiate.

 

Loki came out from behind the car then and launched it back at me. I caught it just before it hit me. There was too much going on inside my head. It felt like I had thirty people shouting different directions at me all at once. The thought of James mourning me was strange because I wasn’t dead. It almost seemed like he didn’t know why I had left, only that I did. It seemed that Tony was just trying to cover up more mistakes by getting rid of the “liabilities”.

 

Loki was raising us both into the sky, bringing us up higher and higher. I didn’t realize it until it was much too late. He gave me a smirk that seemed to be his trademark before he slammed me down into the ground.

 

I had never manipulated my own body before, but it was a now or never situation. I stopped myself just as my nose touched the ground. I laughed hysterically. I found it extremely amusing that I was able to do this. I rolled my body over, still hovering just above the ground. I stared up at Loki and mirrored his smirk. He laughed a bit, seeming to like the challenge that I had presented him.

 

“Now boys. We can either fight, or you can let me go and we can pretend that never happened. It’s up to you, really. I would rather let this go and everyone just leaves, if my opinion means anything to you,” I said.

“Unfortunately, Y/n, we aren’t going to be able to do that. S.H.I.E.L.D. needs you back.”

“I must be mistaken. Is that the same organization that told me to leave and never come back?” I questioned.

“Bucky is not doing so well and new intel has come to life and you are in some very real danger here,” Scott said trying to negotiate.

“Y/n. I am doing this to prove to my brother that I have changed for the better. I do not care how you get there. Do not make it harder on yourself than it needs to be. I could bring you in dead, but that defeats the purpose,” Loki proclaimed.

“I’m not going anywhere. I made a life here. They told me to get out so I did. Why do I have to come back now?” you yelled.

“That’s it I am bored with this mortal. They won’t pay attention to what we are saying. Do you not understand? You are in danger and the team thought it prudent that you come back,” Loki spoke.

 

I refused walking away from them. As I heard the footsteps behind me I began running. Loki flew in front of me and grabbed my shoulders, taking me up in the sky with him. His grip seemed to negate my abilities and I was reduced to wiggling in his grasp.

 

I realized that I had been relying too much on the telekinesis  and not on the actual training. I pulled a knife from my thigh and stabbed it into his shoulder. One arm let go of me and his concentration was broken. I managed to fall from his grasp onto the ground thirty feet below.

 

The impact hurt. A lot. I felt the healing burn, something I hadn’t felt for a very _very_ long time. Scott tried to pick up my body, fearing I had hurt myself beyond repair. I let myself go limp in his arms to gain his trust, but as soon as he put me over his shoulders, I kneed him in the chest and flipped him onto his back.

 

“Sorry, Scott. I put up a little more fight than a rose bush,” I whispered as I got off of him.

 

I began running then. I was dodging cars in the street, trying to cause as little havoc as I could, but there was not a whole lot I could do with an alien and a magically shrinking man chasing after me.

Loki picked me up as was flying with me in his arms. I once again tried to reach for a knife to stab him with, but he had my arms pinned against me. He slammed me against a building, knocking the breath out of me.

 

I pulled my head back and slammed against his, trying to get him off of me. He was definitely caught off guard, but he was not happy. He pushed my head back against the wall and put his thumbs to my temples. A bright light filled my vision as I no longer had control of my body.

 

I felt myself slump to the ground quickly and be picked up. The white light receded and my vision was a bit foggy. I squeezed my fists together to try and feel my range of motion. I could feel the burning sensation now as it started to subside as it restored my nerves’ capabilities to feel pain.

 

Scott was once again holding me over his shoulder. I laughed a bit internally as he didn’t learn his lesson the first time. I pulled one of my legs over towards the other side of his head and rotated my hips, giving him a shoulder slam into the ground to break his arm.

 

However, Scott never made it to the ground. He shrunk as he realized what I was doing. Something grabbed my ankles and slammed me into the ground. I forgot that Scott would shrink if I tried anything like that again, and to no ones surprise he did.

 

“Stop this, Y/n,” I heard someone shout.

“This is technically kidnapping me, Scott, and I don’t take that very lightly. Please, just leave me alone,” I spoke.

 

Loki came up behind me once again. He flipped me over him and onto the ground. His smile was now a bit more ferocious this time as he looked like he was enjoying hunting me down. He put his thumbs on my temples again and watched as I no longer reacted to whatever he did to me the first time.

 

“Interesting mortal.”

 

This time he dragged a finger across my forehead. Again, nothing happened. I laid there on the ground watching him. He sat on top of my thighs and pushed my arms above my head pinning me there with one arm. The other arm pulled a knife from my thigh holster and made a cut into my mission suit.

 

He pushed a finger along my raised scars along my stomach from where I was shot. They had healed almost completely, but I figured they would scar over eventually. He took the knife and made a small cut into my abdomen. I gasped at the suddenness of it all.

 

Loki smirked as he watched it heal itself. His once amused features turned into one of confusion as he no longer was pleased with what was happening. I stayed still looking at him in wonder as to what he was thinking.

 

Scott eventually came in front of Loki and gazed down at him and me from where he was standing. He whispered sorry as he pushed some of my hair out of my face. While I was focused on Scott, I didn’t notice Loki pulling back to punch me in the face, but when he did I was knocked unconscious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, well, well. Friend I am back once again. School is starting to calm down for me as I begin my Summer Vacation in about a week. What does that mean for you? That means more chapters and more consistency ~hopefully~. 
> 
> Now I am not going to promise anything, but I do want to write more. This story take a while to do because I have to make sure it all works out and it's good quality. Plus I feel like as both a writer and a reader, it kind of sucks when the author is really spotty and then uploads with a 600 word chapter.
> 
> With that being said, i want to do some prompt writings to hopefully upload a bit more for you guys. If you guys like my style in writing and would like to see me do a specific prompt I'm all ears. Smut might be a bit strange though because I haven't ever written that before, but don't know until you try it I guess. 
> 
> As always, I would love any feedback I get from you. Advise or Criticize as long as it's nice.
> 
> Love you, Sky


	17. Who is in Control?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who is in control now?

I woke up amongst the covers. Everything hurt for some reason. The windows of my room had their curtains drawn back a bit, letting some of the natural light in. I rolled over, groaning with the effort, to look at the clock on my nightstand. It screamed 5:13 a.m. in all of its digital glory. I stayed on my side, and stared at the wall, taking in the gaping hole that has been punched into the wall.

 

Sitting up quickly, I realized that this was not the room I was supposed to be in. My body screamed at me to lay back down. It was sore, not broken so I would have to wait out the healing process, but I had other matters to worry about now. I put my feet on the ground and tried to stand up slowly. I was unstable, but I eventually made my way to the door.

 

The door would not open. I pleaded JARVIS to open it but he said that he could not due to my authorization being expired. I leaned against the doors for a moment catching my breath. I went to the bathroom and took a shower. After I was finished I grabbed one of the knives I kept strapped to the underside  the sink and I stabbed it into myself.

 

The burning sensation returned. I watched this time, for the first time in a long time actually. My veins throughout my entire body erupted in light and began to glow underneath my skin. I pulled myself off the ground and looked at myself in the mirror. My face had an intricate pattern of the glowing veins that all seemed to meet my eyes. My eyes were glowing a bright blueish purple. I screamed at the sight and fell back to the floor.

 

As I stared at my hands, the burning subsided and my skin returned to its normal fleshy self. I picked myself back up, my eyes returning to their normal color. The fatigue I was feeling earlier was gone now. I walked out of the bathroom to my bedroom then.

 

I looked over to my door, sighing loudly. Walking to it, I figured that another attempt would be worth it for the time being. As I pulled on the door, I heard the locking mechanisms unlock. The door opened up slightly and I could see the shadows of two people.

 

I pulled the door open completely and saw Steve and Sam Wilson, the Falcon, standing in front of me. I sighed and walked towards the couch that was in my room, leaving them to decide whether or not to come in.

 

“It’s good to meet you, Y/n,” Sam said happily, trying to make light of the situation.

“Same here, it’s a pleasure,” I said turning around to shake his hand.

 

Sam slapped Steve on the back to try and encourage him to talk to me, but he just walked out of the room. I looked at Steve’s back as he walked away. I hadn’t left him on very good terms and it seemed that whatever I was called back for was not going to be easy if we could not come to some sort of understanding.

 

“So, Y/n. Welcome back to the tower, I guess,” Sam started.

“Thanks,” I half-whispered.

“Do you know why you were called back?” Sam questioned.

“No, sir,” I answered.

“Hydra’s back again,” Sam said.

“What’s new?” I remarked.

“Better and stronger than ever,” Sam commented.

“When aren’t they? Seriously, don’t you guys understand the whole ‘when you cut off one head two will take it’s place’ thing? We are never going to be able to defeat them.”

“Yes, however, this time they are going after children.”

“It has always been children, Sam. There are other motives for me being here, aren’t there?”

“No one Steve didn’t want to do this.”

“What is it?”

“The team thought it would be better if we kept you under us for the time being.”

“I’ve gotten too powerful, haven’t I?”

“To make a long story short, yes.”

“Can I leave my room? Or am I too much of a danger?”

“You can’t blame them, Y/n. The last time you were here, you went on a rampage and killed some orderlies.”

“Is that what you were told? I was in a coma dammit. What are they telling you? That I willing killed all of those people? Look, Sam. It was my body’s last ditch effort to save myself,” I screamed.

“Hey, I’m only doing what I was told. Loki’s apparition saw that you were getting too powerful and we figured that you needed more watching than the weekly visits from Scott,” Sam said carefully.

“What do you mean apparition?” I asked incredulous.

“The cat. It was an apparition that Loki made to watch over you,” Sam said.

“Are you kidding me? You guys were watching me the entire time?” I screamed again, frustrated.

“Yes, once we found you that is. The cat was just a precaution to keep an eye on you.”

“Is this what you stand for here? Watching people? Winter was with me the entire time,” I paused in realization,” you perverts! You were watching me change?”

“No, well, not in that sense,” Sam said coolly.

“I can’t believe this. I want out. I want to be left the hell alone. Can’t you see I’m not cut out to be a superhero like you seem to think I am? When the going gets rough, I leave. I follow orders from anyone who will give me the time of day. I become attached easily.”

“Woah woah woah, calm down sweet heart.”

“I bet that’s why I’m back. You told me that James is hurt. I bet that’s a lie too. I bet that he is just fine and is ready to control me just like Hydra did,” I continued shouting.

“No, no, you’ve got that wrong. Bucky is in pretty bad shape. He’s reverted back pretty hard to where he won’t let anyone near him. He shouts at all hours of the day and night and has tried to take his arm off.”

“Liar,” I screamed, trying to run out of the door.

“See? Outbursts like these are what makes all of us think you are dangerous. The fact that every time someone confronts you, you freak out. I’ll let you go this time, but if you leave this building I cannot promise what will come after you.”

 

I walked out of my room, running my hands through my hair. As soon as I got out of the hallway and into the elevator, I pushed the button to the gym. As soon as the door opened, I sprinted to the punching bags. I screamed as I put all of my emotions into my punches.

 

_One. Two. Duck. Kick. Repeat._

_One. Two. Duck. Kick. Repeat._

 

As soon as that mantra was being repeated in my head I stopped immediately. Had I reverted as well? Is that why I’m here? These thoughts began to scream in my head again. I felt hundreds of voices all trying to talk to me at once. I continued to punch the bag to try and get the voices to stop.

 

I screamed again, and with that they seemed to stop. I realized that I was curled up into a ball on the ground with my arms wrapped tightly around my head. I slowly unfurled myself and sat up looking around the room. No one was there to cause the voices. Was I losing it?

 

I began to try training again. This time in silence. I went to the treadmill this time. I set the machine to a ridiculous incline just to try and wear myself out. Once I could no longer keep up, I took my t-shirt off and used it as a towel, leaving me in a sports bra. My shorts were thankfully athletic enough for me to do some more training.

 

I went into the simulation room and put on the goggles. I grabbed a knife and took out my aggression in hand to hand combat. The simulation was constantly trying to get better and win so I had to change up my strategy. Eventually it mirrored my movements, perfectly blocking every punch or stab. Fed up with it being just as good as me I dropped low and kicked its feet out from beneath it. Once it was down I quickly shoved the knife into its head and broke the handle off.

 

Out of breath, I took the goggles off and looked around me. Again, no one was there, but the feeling that someone was, was there. By now, I was sweaty and tired, but not tired enough to go to sleep. I felt my skin start to crawl so I walked over to the pool and dived into the deep end.

 

Feeling refreshed, I dove down into the depths of the pool and sat at the bottom. It was a good 10 feet down at the bottom. Soon I was out of breath and I had to swim back up to the surface. I laughed at it all. I dove back down, this time taking a big bubble of air for me to breath with using my powers.

 

There I sat at the bottom of the pool, taking in the weight of the water around me. I eventually moved to laying on my back, occasionally having to sit up to get more air from the bottom of the pool. I felt myself relax there at the bottom and close my eyes. The water around me had settled as if we had become one with each other.

 

I opened my eyes once again to get some more air from the top of the pool and bring it back down. This time, I split the air up taking in more than I have before. I moved half of the air around me, making the water erupt into bubbles. I smiled to myself laying back down, watching the bubbles try and rise to the surface only to be recollected by my abilities.

 

I closed my eyes after I took in some more air. The weight was once again very comforting. I let the air that I was playing with travel back up to the surface as I lay. My mind drifted about thinking about how I got here, something I seemed to always turn back to in times of trouble.

 

The water was disrupted all of a sudden which scared me into letting out the air in my lungs. I quickly pulled some more back into me from my reserves, but someone latched their arms around me and began kicking with me towards the surface. I tried to wriggle out of their grasp, but it was too strong.

 

I gasped as soon as we breached the surface. I turned around to look at who had took me out of the water. They kept me facing away from them with my head way above the water as they tried to angle down to get the water out of my lungs. I looked back finally and saw a very familiar head of shaggy brown hair with sad blue-grey eyes to match.

 

“James,” I breathed out quietly.

“Y/n?” he whispered.

“Why did you take me out of the water?”

“How? Why are you here?” he asked.

“What do you mean? They told me Hydra was back and - ,” I spoke before I was cut off.

 

James then just swam over to the side of the pool then and got out. He didn’t look back at me as he left. I tilted my head to the side and swam over to try and talk to him. I got out of the pool, barely wringing out my shorts, ignoring my hair and my top completely.

 

When I walked into the main training room, James wasn’t there. I asked JARVIS for his location, but he told me that I did not have access to that information. I huffed my annoyance and marched out of the training rooms leaving a trail of water behind me.

 

I urgently pressed the elevator button. Someone, probably James, was using it and wouldn’t get out. Annoyed, I took the stairs. I ran up them, much faster than I should have, having just done an intense workout. When I got to James’ floor, I launched myself through the door.

 

I ran down the hallway loudly to alert him of my presence. I reached his door quickly and began knocking on it rapidly. I heard someone approach the door and undo some locks. I stepped back a bit and smoothed back the mess that was my hair.

 

“You aren’t James?” I said quizzically at the unknown person who answered the door.

“No, I’m not. He moved down to the psycho panther’s floor, Y/n’s floor, to be closer to the room while she was M.I.A.,” the man answered.

“What’s so psycho about Y/n?” I asked pretending not to be that very person.

“She always explodes when someone challengers her. She develops abilities randomly and without anything to provoke it. She has a relatively unknown history, with Hydra. She has been brainwashed and controlled. I mean, the last time she was here, she killed the doctors and nurses that were trying to heal her on her death bed. Is there anything that proves she isn’t a psychopath?” the man said finishing his lengthy rant.

“I don’t know, maybe the fact that even though she desperately wants to kill you right now for saying those things to her face, she has to go fix her relationships. I suggest you stop talking about me behind my back though,” I said with a twisted smile.

 

I ran back down the hall to the stairs descending the few floors that were between our two floors. The only other room on my floor was traditionally empty, but now it housed James. As I walked past my own room, I saw the door open slightly. I ignored the other room in favor of investigating my own.

 

“James?” I asked pushing the door open a bit more.

“Who’s there?” responded the voice.

“It’s Y/n,” I replied.

“Y/n?” the voice asked.

“Yea, why don’t you come out James,” I said with the most inviting tone I could muster.

 

James came out of my actual bedroom and into the main living area. When he saw me he took a step back against the wall beside the door. I stayed still, nodding for him to make the first move. He came off the wall with a slight push. James circled around me, looking me up and down. I remained perfectly still with my eyes fixed on the floor.

 

“You left me,” James said, the words breaking midsentence.

“I had no choice,” I half whispered.

“Yes, you did have a choice. You left me here. You chose to leave me here,” James screamed.

“No, James listen to me. Tony told me I had to leave after I hurt the nurses,” I said trying to explain.

“You never hurt anyone! You just up and left,” James said breathing heavily.

“But, he told me I did. Stark told me I hurt them,” I mumbled, frantically moving about.

“Whoever told you that wasn’t Stark, Y/n.”

 

I paced the floor, trying to make sense of it all. What did that mean? I remember Stark telling me I had to leave because I hurt people. I paused looking up at James. He wore the most disgusted look on his face as he watched me move. My own features fell when I saw his and he mirrored my now sad expression.

 

“James, what happened to you?” I whispered.

“I’ve been battling my own demons in my mind. Hours upon hours spent on a bed in the dark trying to get the memories out of my mind.  I waited for you, you know? They kept me in that cage for two weeks, three days, eleven hours, and thirteen minutes. I waited for you for that long. They told me that you had been shot and were in critical condition. They told me you died. They told me you blew up half the building, but all I could do was sit there in my little prison fighting my mind,” James spoke.

“James, I’m sorry I - ”

“No, it’s a little bit late for sorry don’t you think?”

“How long have I been gone?” I asked, suddenly confused at how long I was gone.

“Eight months.”

“James, are you sure? I only remember the late summer and the fall.”

“I can’t believe this. I can’t believe you would do something like this. Of all people, I thought you would never do this to me, but you did, just like the rest of them,” James screamed and walked out of the room.

 

I jumped slightly when the door slammed behind James. I laid down on the couch and sighed dramatically. Something was wrong with this situation, very wrong. Everyone seemed to have different stories or interpretations on how I left. But how?

 

I asked JARVIS to see the film footage from the day that I left. Even though I still had no legal access, I made it work with pleases and thank you. I sat up and watched on the hologram that appeared in front of me. There were nurses pushing my gurney down the hallway.

 

I watched hesitantly, knowing what happens next. There was a bright flash, but nothing happened. The orderlies dropped their hands and walked away from me. Wanda came in then and she sat there holding my body. Pietro came in after carrying me to get the adrenaline into my system.

 

Fast forwarding showed no one else in the hallway. I jumped to when I had the conversation with Tony in the same hallway, except I was alone. I was shouting and making hand gestures at no one. The video feed then stopped abruptly as I looked towards the camera.

 

I asked JARVIS what had happened to the feed and he said there was a malfunction. I got off the couch and began pacing again. I know I talked with Tony, I know I did. I’m not crazy. He was there he told me to get out, right?

 

_“Tony, what happened?” I asked._

_“You. You happened,” Tony scolded._

_“What do you mean?”_

_“When you were supposedly dead, you blew yourself up, severely injuring some of the nurses trying to help you,” Tony deadpanned._

_“I’m so sorry, are they okay?”_

_“No, they are not okay, Y/n. They are dying. This is what you do to people. You hurt people.” Tony yelled._

_“I didn’t mean it, Tony. I never meant to hurt those people,” I whispered._

_“You never meant to hurt anyone. That’s a laugh. No one ever means to hurt anyone, but face it you can’t control yourself.”_

_“Tony, I was in a coma of sorts. How was I supposed to?” I questioned._

_“I don’t care, get out of my tower,” Tony commanded._

_“What?” I asked, heartbroken._

_“Get out. You’re out of the team. You’re on your own. Leave. Now. Never come back, Y/n.”_

I ran out of my room, fed up at the memory’s inaccuracy. Tony’s lab was just downstairs, I could make it there. I walked down the halls, trying to maintain some calm. His lab door was closed so I knocked on it carefully, trying to control my breathing.

 

“Y/n?” Tony asked.

“Did you tell me that I had to leave?” I asked abruptly.

“No. I’m not saying I wasn’t pleased when you were gone though.”

“So no one told me to leave?” I asked.

“You were shouting to yourself then left. Why do you think I asked you to leave?”

“Because I remember you telling me that I killed people and that I was a danger to the team.”

“Are you sure?”

“I swear my life on it,” I promised.

“Get downstairs and sit in the containment chamber. I will get someone to come be with you. There may be something going on here, some others have been mentioning it. Just get down there safe, and I’ll figure it out,” Tony said before quickly pressing the hologram’s buttons.

 

I walked down to the glass prison. It seemed fitting that I would end up back where it all began once I first started here. I sat down in the now slightly furnished room. It smelled like James, the musky manly smell that he proudly wore along with some sort of fancy spiced cologne.

 

I breathed a heavy sigh and put my head between my hands. It was frustrating that every time I ended up back here, alone, and somehow not in control of my own actions. This time, however, I took a more literal translation.

 

The door closed and sealed itself then. I looked up at it in confusion as to why it would close. The voices began then. I groaned, trying to keep myself upright despite the shouting happening all around me. I held my head trying to silence anything, but it was of no use.

 

I backed myself into a wall, curling in on myself. I gave in and laid on the floor, screaming as the voices got louder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm loving all the feedback that I am getting, so thank you dear reader for making my day. I still want to write some one-shots for you guys, but I need prompts and ideas. Open for anything really. Thanks again for the comments! Feel free to advise or criticize as well as give me any ideas or scenarios you want incorporated into the story. I didn't actually mean for it to go this direction, but it has. Oh well.


	18. Well, it's not me in control...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens when you lose control for the first time, that you are aware of it at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: mentions of suicide

I opened my eyes as the screams stopped, I was in a starkly white room. Everything was white, the walls, the floors, the ceiling. Everything had a certain haze and glow to it, which made it seem unreal. I looked down, I was in a white tank top with white pajama shorts. My skin was clean and had the same sheen and glow the walls had.

 

My hair was pulled up out of my face, and clean as well. I stood up and looked around the room. It moved with me, almost like water. I was beyond skeptical. This was no asylum, it was too clean, too bare. It was something different entirely. I walked towards the wall and touched it, only to have it bounce back and forth like it was made of rubbery water.

 

I walked around the maze of walls that were inside the building. There was nothing that I recognized in there, but it felt all too familiar. I hoped that this was some sort of containment chamber that Tony Stark had created to keep me contained from whatever was trying to hurt me. I called out for JARVIS, but nothing happened.

 

I made it all the way around the building, not finding anything but the white walls. I heard a voice laugh behind me, and I quickly turned around trying to identify it. I wished I had something to defend myself. I turned back around to find a knife lying at my feet.

 

“ _Do you not recognize this place, little bud?”_

 

The voice mocked me again. I knew that voice though. I looked around once again to try and figure out where I was. Did I know this place? It seemed too blank to be recognizable. I spun in place and watched as the once pure walls erupted into flames. The flames seemed to burn away the white until there the old Hydra facility I was “created” in.

 

As soon as it set in, I backed myself against the wall. John Doe appeared in front of me then. I came at him with my knife, but he teleported somewhere else. I ran at him again and he once again was not there.

 

_“Don’t you know any better, my little Rose?”_

 

I spun around again as the voice was behind me again. The room blew up into flames again. The walls shifted to build the room that James and I shared while we were on the run. I ran to the bedroom to try and find the guns that we had kept hidden there.

 

When I arrived at the room, there was nothing in the drawers. Everything was empty, all of the cabinets all of the drawers. I spun around trying to get out of the room to search somewhere else. I tried to run, to get away, but the door was locked.

 

I slammed my shoulder against it, trying to get it to budge, but it refused. I turned to the left to try and get to the window that lead to the emergency escape for the house. By the time I had turned, the room erupted into flames yet again.

 

I fell on to my knees, desperate to escape this hell. I felt trapped. I felt scared. The room slowed back to its original white status when I looked up. I saw John Doe sitting in the only chair in the room.

 

I tried to attack him once again. My hands were now in chains attached to the floor. I pulled and pulled at them, accidentally lunging forward as they broke away. A glass wall was in between Doe and I. I tried to break it as much as I could, but it was no use.

 

I sat there and screamed at the man to fight me, while he just laughed. I kept punching and kicking at the wall, hoping that I would find a weak spot. All the while, Doe continued to laugh manically at me.

 

“Stop laughing at me, come over here,” I screamed.

 _“You should watch what you say, my dear little bud,”_ he spoke.

 

John Doe stood up and the glass wall faded. I stepped back a bit, motioning him to come over towards me. He nodded, walking over towards me. I lunged at him, grabbing his throat with my hands. I kneed him in the stomach, pushing him down to the ground.

 

I squeezed as hard as I could, but the world around me grew brighter. I closed my eyes until the bright light faded. Upon opening them, I looked down to ask Doe what had happened. Before I had time to react, the person below me flung me against the wall.

 

Instead of hitting the white walls, I hit the glass walls of the containment cell that Stark had asked me to go into. I blinked back the pain and stood up, taking in my surroundings. On the floor coughing was James. I rushed over to his side to help him, but Pietro ran over, holding me back.

 

“Stop fighting, me. You cannot go near him now, he needs to recover,” Pietro whispered into my ear.

“James? James, I’m so sorry, I wasn’t choking _you_. The voices got loud and then I was with Doe. The room started changing and he just kept chasing me through all of these different areas. He went behind this glass panel and then I started screaming at him to come at me. He did, and then I attacked. James, I swear I thought I was choking Doe,” I said as quick as I could.

 

James sat up and looked at me. I pleaded him to forgive me with my eyes, figuring that no words could make this situation better. He yelled for everyone to get out of the area, keeping eye contact with me. They left, very hesitantly. James stood up and walked towards me, but I walked away.

 

He had a feral look in his eyes, almost if he was going to kill me on the spot. James walked closer to me as my back hit the wall. I winced as he pulled my chin towards him. He held my chin there while I slowly opened my eyes.

 

“Even though I am beyond pissed with you, I understand,” James spoke clearly.

“James, I didn’t mean to choke you. I don’t know what’s going on anymore. I’m sharing my mind with someone else,” I said trying to explain.

“That doesn’t make sense.”

“I’m not crazy, please don’t look at me like I’m crazy. Someone is inside my mind with me, and I have a feeling it has to do with Hydra.”

 

James walked away from me in a huff. He began pacing the room as I watched. I wanted him to do something, to take it out on me instead of wrestling it with himself. I sank down the wall. All the self-hate that I had balled up over the years was finally coming to the surface as I began to feel how worthless it all was.

 

I wanted to run from everything, but I couldn’t. I had already tried running, and look where that got me. Now my potential love? My boyfriend? My friend? Whatever he wanted to be called in relation to me at this point – wait, he hates me.

 

“James, just end it all, please,” I pleaded quietly.

“What are you talking about?”

“Just end me, get all of your anger out on me. I’m just a problem for this world, fix the problem, end it.”

“Are you asking me to kill you?”

“If that’s what it takes then yes.”

“You are the most ridiculous person I have ever met.”

“What? Look, ever since I got here I have caused nothing but problems for everyone else. Hydra coming back two, no three, times? My fault. Us getting captured? My fault. Killing those nurses? My fault. Can’t you see it, James? Sooner or later I am going to get recaptured by Hydra. I can’t kill myself because I can’t get the leverage I need to stop myself from regenerating,” I said.

“This is ridiculous. You are ridiculous. Look, hate to break it to you doll, but this happens to all of us. You aren’t unique. We all get recaptured, we all kill people, we all lead the wrong people back home. It happens, okay? Now stop feeling bad for yourself and tell me what happened,” James said angrily.

“I already did,” I said matching his pissed-off tone.

“Look, I do not need to deal with this right now, but I’m doing it because no one else wants to,” James said.

“Oh? Really? You are just doing it because no one else wants to? I mean nothing to you?” I asked, taken aback in shock.

“I already grieved you. For months. Now you come back and expect everything to come back to normal between us? I may have been brainwashed for most of my life, but I still have emotions.”

“James, I never said that,” I spoke softly.

“No, you implied that though.”

“What do you want me to do? What can I do to show you that I’m sorry? I don’t know how to tell you that there is something else going on here. It’s not just me in my mind. I don’t have full control. I think when I was shot, there was some sort of drug in there that let them have control over my body. If I was gone for eight months, how come I don’t remember it?”

 

James looked at me then, confusion and sympathy danced across his features. I stayed against the wall, watching as he struggled with himself. He walked towards me and placed his hand on my cheek, thumb touching and brushing across my cheekbones. I blinked at him and he watched me concerned.

 

“Hello, subject 32557038,” my voice said without my permission.

“Y/n? How do you know that number?” James said curiously.

“You should have listened to her, you know. She isn’t alone up here in her head. I’m here too. Funny thing is, we had to kill her several times to get this dual control over her,” my voice said giggling.

“Y/n, stay here. I’m going to go get Wanda,” James said backing away.

 

I watched as my body walked over towards him, following him. He pushed me back against the wall, but my body got up and followed him again. I had no control over myself anymore. I tried to fight whatever had taken control, but I was soon drowned out by the screams before I had gained too much control.

 

“You cannot leave her here, Asset. She is very unstable right now. Our dear little Y/n can see and hear everything that is going on, but cannot do a thing: the perfect soldier, only follows orders.”

“Stay here, Y/n. I need to get Wanda, maybe she can combat some of this and help you.”

“Don’t leave her here. She might decide to do something drastic. She already expressed that she sees herself as a problem that needs to be fixed. As her new “conscience” I can fix her in ways she or you have never even dreamed of.”

“Who are you?” James asked.

“John Doe? It is a ruse, a nickname to express the relatively unknown sector of Hydra I work in, but I worked very closely with Dr. Zola. You see he was very close to creating the very experiment that the little Rose is injected with right now. I just finished his work and put it into one of our most promising works,” my voice spoke again.

“JARVIS, get Wanda and have her come down. On second thought, get everyone. I need all the help I can get.”

“What a brilliant idea, Asset. Who ever said that you had forgotten your training? Even if you thought you escaped Hydra’s grasp, you cannot fight it. Bringing the entire Avenger team here to me, is that really wise on your part?”

“It’s not for you Doe. It’s for her, it’s for me. Don’t give yourself the credit.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it, Asset. She’s fighting you know? She desperately wants control.  She’s screaming for you, Asset, screaming for help,” my voice taunted.

“Let her go,” James responded angrily.

“See, that would be no fun. All this time spent finding the perfect way to get her in our control. We had to kill her you know. I believe it was eight times. Each time the injection had failed, until this last time. She is now better than you ever were. There is no need for brainwashing, no need for recapturing. I can control her from anywhere in the world now,” my voice continued on with a sadistic tone.

 

I tried to fight back against the screams. I could hear the conversations around me, I could even see the reactions and surroundings of people. I fought for control over my body. I felt James pin me against the wall, only to have to step back as my body began to thrash about.

 

I slowly started to try and wiggle my fingers. The screaming got louder and louder, probably to try and distract me. I continued the fight and eventually was able to get a hold on my arms as well. I knew I was not going to be able to fight myself or stay in control for long, so I tried to choke myself.

 

My body dodged my hands and I ended up punching myself in the face. Reeling back from the sudden pain, I gasped as I got control once more. I looked over towards James who rushed to grab me as I was falling down. The yelling tried to force it’s way to dominance, but I was able to keep it at bay for some time.

 

“James please, knock me out, kill me, do something. I don’t know how long I can keep control,” I whispered.

“Hold on, Wanda is on her way,” James pleaded.

“James, please,” I repeated.

 

Wanda came in and read my mind to find out the situation. She put her hands to my temples and began to focus her energy around me. I felt the world flash white again. It felt like I was being sucked into a deep pit, only to be immediately put back where I started. My eyes flickered open to see Wanda pressing her hands against her head and screaming.

 

I tried to reach out to her, but James held me down. His flesh hand came up to touch the top of my lips. He pulled his hand away and brought his shirt sleeve up to my face. Before he could touch me with his shirt, I moved my own hand to where his use to be, feeling the sticky red liquid that could only be blood.

 

“James, what’s going on?” I asked scared.

“You are probably just exhausted from trying to exert dominance. Just a little longer, doll, and we will figure out a way to help you. I promise. Now keep your eyes normal and open for me. That’s it, there you go beautiful. Keep them open for me and squeeze my hand. I need to know your still fighting for me, okay?” James said soothingly.

“What happened to Wanda?” I asked dazed from the pain.

“I’m okay, Y/n. I have never felt that many voices at once. There’s no central leader, or at least that I can feel. I do not think that I could be of much help in this situation,” Wanda explained

“Wanda please, I need you to do something,” I said.

“I cannot, I’m afraid,” Wanda responded.

 

There were spots in my vision now. I focused myself and closed my eyes. I heard the people yelling at me from below me, but I remained trying to keep myself focused. I felt someone grab my hand and pull me towards them. I opened my eyes to see James pulling my arm down towards the ground where he was.

 

He began yelling at me, but his words were too jumbled. As I saw the blood floating in front of me, I realized that I too was floating. That broke my concentration, and I fell back to the ground with a thud, landing on James’ chest.

 

James began petting my hair, hoping to keep me calm and show his support. I sighed into him, pleading Wanda to put me in a coma. If I was asleep I couldn’t hurt anyone right? I felt her hands on my temples and the warm light that cascaded all around me, lulling me into a fitful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okie dokie there friends. I hope you had fun reading this chapter. It did not go where I wanted it to, but whatever. Let me know where you think it should go because I am kind of spinning in circles, but you might be too? Let me know in the comments, please? I am desperately lonely and need contact? JK. But as always advise or criticize in the comments, but keep in nice. Thank you lovelies.


	19. Slowly but Surely, We'll Be Alright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After yet another loss of control, you must figure out a way to get a hold on it, despite James protests.

I woke up groggily, unaware of where I was or how long I had been asleep. I was back in my room, and there were no weird machines, so I figured that Wanda had managed to knock me out and not put me into my desired coma.

 

Rolling onto my back, I felt someone next to me. Looking over my shoulder, I saw James’ long hair cascading around him. I snuggled into where his arm met his chest. Thankfully, it was his flesh arm and not his metal one. His arm instinctively curled around me, pulling me in closer to him.

 

I breathed out a laugh, smiling to myself. I traced the outlines of his ribs with my finger. Once I was out of ribs, I reached over James, getting myself even closer. He was so warm and it was so comforting to be there in the dark with him and nothing to worry about for the time being. It had been the first time we had been near each other, even if it was just sleeping, for eight months apparently.

 

I pushed my arm across his chest and began tracing over where the skin and metal met. The raggedy and rough edges clashed with the simplicity and harsh edge of the metal arm. His face shriveled at the feeling, but I removed my hand to push my fingers across his wrinkled features to calm him.

 

I picked my head up to look better at his face. He looked so peaceful, as if nothing could hurt him now. I played with his hair, twisting the long locks in my hair. It had been a while since he had gotten a haircut. Any longer and I would have to force him to wear a man-bun for my amusement.

 

James sighed in his sleep when I stopped playing with his hair as if he was content that I had taken the time to. I put my head back down on his chest, mesmerized at the steadiness of his heartbeat. I felt him stir at the sudden weight and I lifted myself back off him, rolling away slightly. I felt his arm stiffen and a small sleepy smirk appear on his face.

 

“I love you, you know?” he said with a sleepy smile.

“You do?” I asked.

“Of course I do.”

“I love you too, James. Through thick and thin, I will always love you.”

“Well that’s good to hear, doll. After all this time, I wasn’t sure,” James said with a sigh.

“James, I apparently didn’t have the full story, there. I’m sorry I couldn’t see through it but –“

“Shh, it’s okay. We’re okay. Whatever _it_ is, we will figure it out.”

 

I moved to roll off his arm. It couldn’t have been too comfortable for him with me on his arm, right? James, however, had different plans and pulled me back into his chest unceremoniously. With a grunt, he closed his eyes again, content on my placement. I giggled, as I was half on top of him. James opened his eyes and put on a face of mock annoyance.

 

I wiggled on top of him, playing along. He pulled both of his arms around me and held me still on top of him. I continued to giggle at the ridiculousness of it all. James’ character broke into a slight smile, but was quickly replaced with a mischievous look in his eyes.

 

James was still for a bit, keeping me locked in his embrace. I stopped writhing and looked at him in confusion, wondering if I had hurt him. Suddenly, James flipped both of us over. I screeched in surprise as James began attacking my face, neck, and chest with kisses. I began wriggling under him, trying to avoid his affection before a laughing fit took over.

 

“James, stop!” I giggled out.

“Never. Not until I show you my love!” He shouted, laughing at his own words.

“James, I know you love me. You just told me, you goof.”

“Yes, but now I want to prove it to you. I will tell you again and again, Y/n I love you,” James said punctuating every other word with a kiss.

“I know, James. I know, and I you.”

 

James stopped. I looked up at him from below with a smile of admiration. He leaned down and kissed me on the lips. I pushed my face up to show him the passion behind what I felt for him. His lips were smooth, but he started hesitant in the kiss. It was after some time that he gained the confidence and kissed me harder. James pulled back after a sufficient duration to allow us both to breathe. During this short break, he put our foreheads together and gave a shaky laugh.

 

“I thought you wanted it to be on our first date?” I asked breathlessly, surprised at what had happened.

“Sorry, couldn’t resist you being all cute and now you’re finally back in my arms after all this time,” James whispered.

 

We stared at each other a bit more, basking in the glow. The love radiated off us in excess as we both fed off it. James eventually rolled onto his side once more, pulling me into his arms once again. I smiled into his side, breathing in his musky, expensive cologne.

 

I felt myself drifting off into a more restful sleep. James drew patterns on my back with his flesh hand. I reached out to grab his metal arm, but was denied by James who pulled it away. I made a noise in annoyance and reached for it again. This time, James conceded and allowed me to hold his hand. After all this time, he still saw it as nothing but a killing machine.

 

James stirred beneath me, trying to get out from underneath me. I held onto him, for fear of losing the moment that we had shared. He tried to pry me off him, but I clung to him like a sleepy koala. James sighed, picking me up and putting me in his lap. I held myself against him, but now he was finally able to rock me back into a semi-conscious state. He laid me back down in bed, giving me his pillow to cuddle instead of him.

 

I fell for the bait, and cuddle it, returning to my half-awake half-asleep state. Later on, I heard the shower running, but ignored it in favor of sleeping. James came back out, fully dressed and cleaned. He kissed the top of my head, once again, pulling the blankets up over my shoulders. The door clicked behind him as he quietly exited the room.

 

I woke up again a bit later, disappointed to not have James by my side once again. I sat up slowly, feeling dizzy at the sudden movement. I got up, not bothering to take a shower right now and put on a baggy graphic tee and some loose shorts.

 

Once I was out of the room, I asked JARVIS where everyone was, and he reported that a majority of the people were in the kitchen preparing lunch. Lunch? I guess I slept in a bit more than I had thought. Nevertheless, I made my way to the kitchen slowly, dragging my feet against the carpeted floor.

 

I felt light headed suddenly and slowed down my pace, leaning against the wall for support. It felt like I had t.v. static in my head. The screams began again, this time with a ferocity that I had never seen before. I knew that they were trying to take over again. I slumped against the wall, trying to control my breathing and focus on being the dominant one, focusing on not letting the screams overwhelm me.

 

After quite a good fight, my mind gave out. The other voices seemed to have an endless supply of energy and it seemed far more powerful than my own. I watched in defeat as my body walked itself down to the kitchen to speak with the others.

 

Once I entered the room, everyone hesitated, moving back away from me. James walked over toward me slowly, arm outstretched as if he was ready to catch me in case I fell. I internally flinched as his hand rested on my shoulders. I wanted so desperately to take control back. I wished that he knew that it was not me.

 

“Y/n, is that you?” James half-whispers to me.

“Of course, it’s me,” my voice responded.

“What is your nickname for me?”

“Bucky.”

 

James takes his hand off my shoulder and steps back. His eyes looked sad and rejected, almost like I just kicked a puppy. Even though he looked hurt, I was glad that he had figured it out. The other Avengers in the room began to come towards me, battle stances ready. My body shifted back, ready to fight as well.

 

“I do not want to fight now, Asset,” my voice spoke proudly.

“Then what do you want?”

“I want to learn the ins and outs of this team: to be able to exploit this knowledge into taking down the Avengers and everything they stand for. To be able to allow Y/n, here, to complete her mission: to restore Hydra to its former glory,” my voice cried out passionately.

“Does anyone know anything that can help her?” James asked the surrounding group.

“We could try creating an antibody to combat whatever is in her, but we would need a blood sample,” Bruce responds.

“Her body regenerates too fast for that. I would recommend we get that poison from the bullet that cancelled out her abilities last time and rework what cut off her regeneration and what allowed them to gain some control over her,” Tony comments.

“We could always try someone who is a bit more comfortable with mind control and mind manipulation,” Wanda suggests.

“Who would that be?”

“Loki.”

“No way. There is no way I am letting that prick trickster god near her,” James retorts.

“Buck, let’s see if he can do something first. It might be our only option,” Steve reminds.

 

My body relaxes into a chair and watches the surrounding conversations. My fingers begin to trace patterns on my leg absentmindedly. I struggled for control during the relaxed state. I felt like I was drowning, not able to gasp for air.

 

I felt this need for air become prevalent. I realized that my body was not breathing, that whoever was controlling me was not allowing me to breathe. I began to panic, hoping that the adrenaline would give me enough energy to overtake them.

 

As the dots began to dance across my vision, I gave one final push for control before I succumbed. I took a deep breath in, realizing afterwards that I had regained control. I fell to the ground, pulling my body in on itself. Coughs began to rack through my body as I began to replace the oxygen I was lacking. Everyone began to look at me with concern as I laid there gasping on the floor.

 

“Y/n?” Steve asked.

“Yea, it’s me. I’m here. It’s me Jamie,” I responded.

“Oh thank god,” James responded as he scooped me into his arms, cradling me.

“I can’t keep fighting this, Jamie. Whoever is controlling me is able to stop me from breathing, who knows what else they are capable of doing? If I need to go through with it with Loki then I will. Whatever they need to happen, I will try my best to have happen,” I said looking up making eye contact with both Bruce and Tony who nodded back in understanding.

“Then we can begin testing whenever you are ready.”

“Now, let’s do it now,” I responded.

 

I followed them down the hallway, rather unsteadily. James held my waist close to his own to serve two purposes: to keep me upright and to shield me from the glances of the others in the room. At the end of the hallway, Tony, Bruce, James, and I all stood in the elevator as it took us down to their laboratories.

 

Once we arrived, Tony unceremoniously swiped his arm across a table, knocking all of the papers to the ground for the little robots to organize and file away. He gestured with his chin for me to lay on the table as he walked off to get something.

 

James lifted me onto the table and sat me down gently. I shivered as the cold metal touched my relatively bare legs. In response, James took off his sweatshirt and pulled it over my own head. I smiled at his motherly gestures to which I received a smirk. He kissed the top of my head and pushed me down slowly. I resigned and laid down.

 

James pulled a chair over to the table and began threading his fingers through my hair to calm me. I leaned into his touch, one hand warm and calloused the other relatively warm now that Tony had added some components to make it warm like a real arm. He pulled his metal arm away still not used to someone being comfortable with what he saw as a merciless killing machine. I frowned, with my eyes remaining closed, at his reaction to which he begrudgingly put it back.

 

Bruce walked over to us. He asked me to sit up, and I obliged, wanting to make this easier for them. He took my blood pressure and temperature, jotting some things down on a notepad. He asked me to take off the sweatshirt and my shirt so that they could make a larger incision. James mentioned that I was cold, so Bruce asked one of his robot slaves to heat the table and fetch me a blanket.

 

I stripped down to just my bra, blushing at the lack of clothing and James’ close proximity. He shushed me, kissing my shoulder almost as if he could hear my insecurities bubbling up at the surface. I wondered how I got someone as kind as James in my life, but put it aside for future ramblings.

 

The robot brought several blankets of varying thicknesses and began to heat the table. James wrapped one of the thicker ones around my shoulders and placed a thinner one across my legs. Bruce came back soon after and asked if I knew what stopped my regeneration to which I replied no. He later asked if I could force myself to slow it down, which was also a no.

 

Tony came along soon enough and whispered some things to Bruce, sharing notes and scribbling on each other’s papers. They eventually both arrived at the conclusion that they could just force me to not heal by holding the wound open.

 

“I’m afraid that this is going to hurt much more than we intend because we cannot give you any anesthetic and we have to force you to not heal,” Bruce explained slowly.

“There has to be another way,” James protested.

“I’ll do it.”

“Like hell you won’t,” James commented.

“If you won’t let me do this, I am going to make you leave. This may be my only shot at getting this thing out of me,” I explained.

“I’m staying in this room, right next to her the entire time. If something happens to her, you are both dead,” James says, making his conditions known.

 

With everything settled, they both suited up in their medical grade smocks. I removed all of my blankets and laid back on the metal table. I pushed my right arm out for them to attach all of their monitoring machines. I wiggled my fingers in front of a pensive James and nodded for him to take my hand.

 

The first incision stung terribly, but it healed to quickly for them to get anything out of it. The next one was much deeper than the first. I hissed at the burning sensation, but felt it begin to level out as they held the wound open. I winced as they inserted a syringe into whatever body part they deemed suitable.

 

James stood up and pushed everyone back when he saw my wince. I squeezed his hand and looked at him with a pained and annoyed expression. He sat back down with an angry huff. Tony and Bruce began to try to take the blood faster to cause me less pain. Tony also had the bright idea to take some skin tissue to test as well.

 

Soon, they were done and had taken about three pints of blood so that they would have enough to sufficiently test on, about a third of my total blood in my body. It left me extremely tired, but if that was what they needed to heal me, then so be it. They removed the vices holding me open and my stomach lurched towards itself in an attempt to jumpstart the healing. I gasped at the sudden intensity of the burning sensation. Both of the scientists whispered their apologies to me, but slowly left to begin their research.

 

James was at my side once again, stroking my head and whispering encouraging words in my ear. Tony had told JARVIS to give James the instructions on how to care for me after the blood loss. I sat up once I was sufficiently healed on the outside of my body.

 

James once again took his position on the side of me and helped me back into his room. I leaned on him for support. I was tired, tired of fighting, tired because of the blood loss, tired because everything I had fought to keep was once again being taken away.

 

He sat me down on the bed, taking off my shirt and my shorts, and gently pushed me under the covers. I sighed at the warmth and closed my eyes at the slightly musky scent of his sheets. James stripped down as well and slid into the bed, pulling me close against him. He asked JARVIS to send up some orange juice and a cookie for me to which the robot obliged.

 

I rolled over and put my face in the crook of James’ neck, clinging to him like a baby koala bear. He chuckled and held me tight against him. James began whispering things into my hairline. I looked up at him to better hear him, but he just hugged me tighter, refusing to repeat himself.

 

The orange juice came along with a cookie and some multivitamins to help replenish my body. I groaned into his chest as a sign of my refusal to get up. James unwrapped us both and got the tray, bringing it back to the bed.

 

“Sit up and drink this. You’ll feel better,” James said.

“Promise?” I asked childishly.

“Yes, I promise.”

 

I followed the instructions and began sipping the orange juice through the straw that was provided. James ate half of my cookie which I rightfully slapped his arm for. As we both sat on the bed munching the shared cookie, James pulled me in between his legs to rest my back on his chest. I looked up to him with a puzzled look to which he returned with an almost identical one.

 

“Why are you being so cuddly lately?” I asked.

“I don’t want to lose you again, doll. The closer you are to me, the easier it will be for me to protect you.”

“How much protection do I need? I can already heal myself within moments.”

“Good point, but I really do not care at this point. It’s a good excuse to keep you near me, doll.”

“Are you jealous Mr. Barnes?” I asked trying to be flirtatious.

“No, more like overprotective.”

“Are you going to be okay if I have to go with Loki?” I asked again with a more serious tone.

“Did you miss the overprotective part?”

“I know that you don’t want me near him but-“

“There’s no buts in this situation, doll. I don’t trust the slimy guy. The only reason he got to come get you from wherever you were was because I was having problems of my own. Did he do anything to you?”

“No, James, he didn’t do anything to me,” I said getting out of his lap and sat facing him.

“Then why was the first person on their call list him? Huh Y/n? Are you lying to me?”

“James, can we please not argue? I’m not lying to you, okay? They probably suggested him because he is the most powerful person that we know that deals with mental stuff.”

“Are you defending the scum bag now, Y/n?” James yelled.

“Please, James, just stop with the arguing. I really do not want to discuss it, especially when we are both in a mood. I’m tired and don’t feel well. You have two options, you can either sleep in here with me and drop it or leave and we’ll talk later,” I said with a yawn.

“Y/n, please just talk it out with me,” James pleaded.

“Those are your options.”

“Fine,” James shouted before walking out of the room and slamming the door shut.

 

I rolled over on top of the bed to face the door. It was so stupid. We were fighting over nothing really, but we were so stubborn that neither of us were willing to give up our side. I thought about going after him, but felt it might be better to let him cool off a bit before I went after him.

 

Even though I was extremely tired and really needed the sleep, I couldn’t. I walked over to the window and opened it to peer down to the streets below. The people looked so happy down there, blissfully unaware of all of the problems in the world. I watched as the garage door opened up and a motorcycle sped out. I caught the distinctly shiny metal arm hanging onto the handles and realized it was James.

 

 _Guess I won’t be going after him anytime soon_. I thought to myself. I sent him a quick text telling him to be careful, that I loved him, and that I would be in my room when he got back.

 

Satisfied that I had at least told him I loved him I laid down to try and sleep. I hated being here without him, especially when we were mad at each other, but maybe this was a good thing. Whether or not he was going to read or even respond to the text was a different story all together. I pulled one of his pillows to cuddle. The lingering scent of him eventually lulled me into a heavy sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Insert rant of apology and ask for help here*
> 
> First of all, please keep commenting. I know it's a cliche to say that it motivates me, but it does. It also reminds me to write because I am just a little all over the place right now. 
> 
> Okay guys I am so sorry I have not updated. Here are my reasons:  
>  1\. I have nationals/ Junior Olympics in 4 days and I have been training nonstop  
>  2\. I have had major writer's block and would love some suggestions  
>  3\. I literally forgot to post this chapter, it's been done for a while (whoops sorry bout that one)  
>  4\. I'm struggling internally to get the things I want on the page on the page. I spend so much time figuring out the different scenarios, but I just can't find one that will work and I want this to be quality, not some like cheap cop out like 'oh wow I got hit on the head really hard and now I'm fine, cool'. I want there to be pain, emotions. I want it to hurt because, unfortunately for you all, I like writing the painful stuff because that's where I feel I write the best.
> 
> PLEASE please please, give me some suggestions. I was asked by the beautiful Maansi to put in some more Marvel characters, and I'm working on that, but it needs to make sense so it might take time. The lovely also reminded me to add in some fluff, which I did... I think?
> 
> ALSO SuGEStiOnS PlEaSe... figured if I did that more than once with more than once capital letter than it'd catch the eye and more people would respond. You know what? Put in some OC's with some special powers and I will add them in somewhere down the road. There's a side plot that I was going to add in at like chapter 13 but I scrapped it. 
> 
> I need help, I'm so sorry :)
> 
> Love,  
> The psycho Sky


	20. The Cure

I woke up rather unceremoniously. I wandered about for a bit, went to the kitchen to have some breakfast considering it was about three in the morning. I suppose I slept through the entire afternoon and most of the night.

 

James read my text, but never responded. I made some eggs and bacon and sat at the table to eat it. The silence was welcoming to me. It encompassed everything that I needed in the moment. Once I was finished I cleaned my dishes, the pan, and anything else that I could find.

 

It had been about a day and a half since my last relapse. I always felt anxious and on guard now. The best way to stop them from taking control was to kill myself before they were able to get control. I walked down towards the gym to try and beat out some of my aggression.

 

I had relaxed a lot of my training lately because Bruce didn’t know if it would be a trigger for me and cause me to relapse fully into Rose. I wanted to be myself for once, you know? I am always so scared about what is going to happen to me that it just gets in the way of everything. I wake up too tired to do anything because I spent so much time staying awake being afraid of what would happen tomorrow.

 

I took my aggression out on the simulations. I set it to the easiest setting possible, which gave me a single enemy. I grabbed two pistols and unloaded an entire clip into the fake body. As the tears began streaming down my face I felt hopeless. Some part of me hoped that by having one person in front of me, one enemy, I would be able to defeat it. I would be able to put an end to all of my fears, to all of my enemies, to all of my problems by eliminating that one hologram.

 

I wanted to run away from it all, to end it once and for all. But my stupid body would always come back, the stupid Avengers would always keep an eye on me. No matter what I did, I would always be stuck in the same situation, just with different people.

 

I wanted a fight. I wanted the pain of getting hurt fighting for a cause. I began frantically pacing the room, knowing that no one would allow me to leave on a ‘suicide mission’, even though I couldn’t really die. I had to come up with some way to combat this. Either that, or tire myself out so I could finally do something useful.

 

I checked the clock and it reported to me that it was about six in the morning now. I went through a door to get to the pool. I took several deep breaths and began to focus. As my vision became fuzzy I tried to lift up my arms. When I did that, the water inside the pool came up into one giant mass that I was able to hold in the air. I slowly put the water back inside the pool and walked away, looking for something else to do.

 

I went up to one of the spare rooms after asking JARVIS where James was. He slept in one because I was sleeping in his and I didn’t have the decency to sleep in my own room. Yet another example of me messing up and ruining everything for everyone else.

 

I just wanted to be near him, he could still hate me but I just needed him. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to reach out to him, to ask him for help or guidance, but he had so many bigger problems to deal with. It just didn’t seem fair to put all of my problems on him too.

 

I used my handprint to open his door. He was sleeping in his room. I could hear his slight snoring throughout his entire quarters. I opened his door just a crack and slid in to the room. He stirred slightly at the light difference and sat up.

 

“Y/n?” he asked sleepily.

“Yea, it’s me,” I whispered, walking towards the bed.

“What are you doing here, doll? Shouldn’t you be asleep?” he asked, forgetting all about our argument earlier.

“Just go back to bed, I just wanted to be with you.”

 

I pulled up the covers and climbed in the bed. James opened up his arms and nodded for me to come into his embrace. I conceded and moved into his arms. My nerves were not settled at all, but it felt right to be there. I played with James hair as he fell back asleep, leaving me with my thoughts again.

 

How was I going to keep going on like this? I heard the voices pick up as they tried to take control again. I sighed heavily, knowing what I had decided earlier when this situation arose. I mean there were worse ways to die, right? At least I was in the arms of the man I loved. As the noise increased I put my hands around my jaw and pulled hard until I heard the inevitable crack.

 

~~~~~~~

_Oh no._

_Oh no, no, no, no._

_Oh god, please wake up._

_Steve, got to call Steve._

_He’ll know what to do._

_JARVIS get Steve in here._

_Oh god._

_Why, why are you dead right now?_

_Did I kill you?_

_Please wake up, I can’t be here without you._

_Not again, I can’t do this again._

_Please Y/n, I need you._

_Steve, she’s not waking up. She just came in here to sleep with me and then now she’s dead._

_Oh god, Steve, I think I killed her._

_I don’t want to be alone anymore_

_I need her, Steve, make her okay._

_~~~~~~~_

I woke up in a haze. I was no longer near James, or in his room, or in the spare room. Where was I? I sat up and got on my feet. I stretched my limbs, I was always sore after dying.

 

Where was everyone? I walked around the complex trying to find someone, but even JARVIS was not answering. I came up into the kitchen to find it empty, but I grabbed an apple before I left. I walked up to James’ room and found it empty, same with mine.

 

I guess everyone was on a mission. I wondered to myself if they had moved Loki over to this glass prison to see if he can help me instead of wherever they kept him after New York. Was he even really in custody anymore? Or did they let him out after he captured me?. I made my way down the stairs, preferring the exercise. I let my thoughts wander to the future, letting it run on autopilot.

 

The lights were on, so someone was in here. I walked in slowly, wholly prepared for Loki to give me some sarcastic comment and try to escape. To be honest, I didn’t even bother really with looking at who was inside, all I saw was the long hair.

 

I plugged in the code and the door opened slightly. I made my way inside as the door closed behind me. I walked over to the man and sat down on the ground next to him. I looked over to him and realized that it wasn’t Loki at all. The man in there was James.

 

“Jamie, why are you in here?” I asked.

“Because I lost control again,” he responded with a raspy voice as if he had been screaming a lot.

“Oh, love, what happened?” I asked curiously.

“I killed you,” James whispered.

“No, Jamie, you didn’t kill me. I killed me,” I said trying to calm him.

“Why would you kill yourself? How are you here?” he asked.

“The voices came back and I didn’t want to hurt you anymore. I figured if I died then it would set them back a bit. If I could get them to think that they killed me, then I might have bought us some time.”

 

He sat there staring at me, not moving. I moved towards him and he moved back. He looked scared and confused. I reached my hand out to him, and gestured for him to take my hand. He shook his head no and put his head between his knees muttering ‘I killed you’ and ‘I’m sorry’ over and over again.

 

“Jamie, you have to listen to me. We are both going to be okay. We are both alive right now. I know that we are both really scared right now, or maybe it’s just me. Either way whatever comes our way we can do together. But I need you, right now. I don’t know what’s going on with me right now and I’m sorry I probably am more than you can handle. Please, Jamie, you didn’t hurt me.”

 

I pulled James’ shoulders up and pushed him against the wall. He gave in, completely done with everything at the moment. I sat down next to him and pulled him to rest his head on my lap. I held his hand and sat there in silence with him. With my other hand, I began to trace patterns into his back. He readjusted himself and threw his metal arm around my legs and held me tight to him.

 

“We’re going to be okay, somehow,” I whispered.

 

~~~~~~~

 

The rest of the team came back after some time. Steve came to check on James and I explained the situation to him. Steve was disappointed in me at my reaction to the voices, but understood I was desperate. He tried to coax James off me and back into the normal areas instead of the prison, but he refused.

 

Steve staid with us for a while, concerned for his friend. He and I rehashed our friendship, now that we were on more common ground. James remained still, just listening to what we all had to say. Steve eventually left to bring some food for all of us to share in a sort of prison picnic.

 

James relented still, opting to lay on top of me then eat. Steve got fed up with his stubbornness and pulled him up off me, something I would never attempt myself. James stared at the wall with a blank face, but the worry lines were beginning to show through. I pressed the pad of my thumb against them to smooth out his features, but he seemed to be utterly lost in his own mind.

 

Steve unwrapped the sandwich he brought for James and placed it in my hands to feed him. I laughed at the thought and straddled James’ lap and began trying to feed him. He allowed it and began to chew. I gave him the sandwich then and he began to feed himself.

 

I moved off him then, not wanting to crowd him in this state, but he just pulled me back onto his lap and kept his metal hand around my waist. Somehow he knew that he wanted me near him even now. It made me feel all warm.

 

“You are the only person who can get him to eat when he gets like this,” Steve chuckles.

“How often does he get like this?” I asked with a concerned tone.

“A lot when we first found him and almost constantly when you were M.I.A.”

“Oh.”

 

Steve left after we all ate, saying he had to rest up because there was another mission tomorrow. I asked if I could join him, but apparently my clearance for working in the field had been revoked when I first lost control. Steve also wanted me to keep an eye on Bucky for him. It was nice that he trusted me now, especially with his best friend.

 

I tried having small talk with James, but he glazed over pretty quickly. The only way to snap him out of it was to say his name: Bucky. He responded better to that because only I called him James. He kept one hand on me at all times though, even when he was so out of it he didn’t even respond to his name.

 

“James, Bucky, I don’t know if you can hear me, but you can’t be so reliant on me. And I know I sound like a hypocrite because a couple hours ago I told you that I need you, but you can’t get like this every time you lose me. There’s going to be a time where either you or I die for good,” I said pausing because his grip on my hip became painful as he held on to me tighter.

 

I pushed his chin up to face mine, his eyes were still glazed over, but he knew it was me.

 

“For right now, Bucky, I’m here. I’m with you and we can protect each other. But I need you to know that you can’t always protect me and that sometimes I’m going to get hurt and sometimes I’m going to die, but I’ll always bounce back, okay?”

 

He stared at me for a while and then nodded. James blinked rapidly and then took both hands off me and rubbed his eyes.  He was definitely more himself right now than he had been. James looked up at me, amusement dancing through his eyes, and gave me his stereotypical charismatic smirk.

 

“Were you faking that the whole time?” I asked laughing, slapping his arm.

“No, not all of it. I felt you react when I had my hand on your hip. It startled me and then I heard die. I mean, I worry about you, doll. Okay?” he responded chuckling a bit.

“Are you okay?” I asked with a more serious tone.

“Yea, I’ll be okay, just give me a few and I’ll meet you upstairs.”

“You sure you don’t want me to stay with you?”

“I can take care of myself, doll,” he said with a smirk.

“Hypocrite!” I shouted behind me as I walked away.

 

I made my way to my room, but stopped by the labs to ask if they had made any progress. As soon as I knocked on the door, Bruce came out of one of the hallways with an ecstatic look on his face. His face only became brighter when he saw me.

 

“Y/n, we have amazing news,” Bruce practically screams as Tony comes out to join us.

“What happened?” I asked curiously.

“Whatever they are controlling you with. We solved it. Sort of,” Bruce said quickly.

“Bruce, full words and in common English please,” I said.

“Right, the thing they are controlling you with, it acts like a virus,” Bruce stated more calmly.

“So we can fight it then?” I asked excitedly.

“No, we can’t fight them,” Tony said annoyed, “you can fight them though.”

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“Loki has reluctantly agreed, but essentially what he has to do is put you in what he calls the dream world. You have to duke it out and kill it yourself. They purposely made it impossible for us to treat it from the outside,” Tony explained.

“Dream world? That doesn’t even make sense though. It sounds fake, made up?” I questioned.

“Sweetheart, you live in a world of super heroes, I mean hell that’s what you’re questioning?”

“I guess you’re right. So what does the dream world entail for me? Will I have some sort of team with me?”

“No, there is no team. This is battle that you have to do alone. They, when they gave you all of these heightened abilities, also gave you a root to the dream world that no one else has here, even Loki. He can really only assist you there. From there, you will have to figure out what to do, because honestly we don’t know what’s in there,” Bruce says reluctantly.

“Is it safe?”

“Probably,” Tony smirks and when Bruce hits him he corrects himself by saying yes.

“How long until I go there?” I ask.

“We can be ready by tomorrow afternoon if you want. I just want to make sure we have enough of a medical team and supplies to take care of you.”

“Alright tomorrow afternoon then,” I say and then walk away when they both nod at me.

 

I walked up to my room and found James just sitting on the couch. I climbed over the back of it and landed rather heavily on his lap. James looked down at me, hushed me, and then went back to watching t.v.. I huffed at him and he just put the palm of his hand on my face. I licked his hand and he wiped it on his shirt before replacing it.

 

Once a commercial started he lifted his hand off my face and raised his eyebrows at me. I stuck my tongue out at him and he just smirked.

 

“What is so important that you tried to interrupt my show?” he questioned.

“They found a cure?” I played mock innocence.

“Are you serious? That’s amazing! Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“Really?”

“No, so what’s the cure what do you have to do?”

 

I explained the situation to him and what I could about dream world. He was very apprehensive, but he said he gave me his blessing. I laughed, but in all seriousness, I was glad that he approved. James was even understanding about Loki’s involvement.

 

I however, was more than terrified about what was going to happen, but I’m sure I could figure it out. Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figured out what I want to do. This is going to affect probably the next 4 chapters if i get my way. This is going to be a solo-reader adventure, so that means no more Bucky for the time being.
> 
> Other than lots of action, please give me some solo scenarios you want? Memories resurfaced? Background? Do you want some OC's? I dunno, what do you think?
> 
> I'm back baby. I'm over the writer's block and the slump and damn it feels good.
> 
> I love all the comments I got last time, thanks guys. Lemme know what you think
> 
> Love you boo,  
> Sky


	21. The Dream World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the Dream World

I walked down the hallway taking deep breaths. To be honest, I was nervous, scared, and insanely worried. What if something goes wrong and I’m stuck there? I felt the panic rise within me along with the bile.

 

I nervously readjusted my white tank top and matching bleached shorts. They asked me to where them for sanitation sake and so they could examine my body more easily. It all felt very creepy. They explained to me that I would be able to do “what I needed to do” within my mind, and I would be kept in a half comatose, half cryogenic state.  James said that he was going to meet me there, but not having him here right now put me on edge, especially when I was facing the unknown.

 

It’s not like I was dependent on him, but I needed him: to make me feel alright, to make me feel calm. As I rounded the corner to the medical offices, I felt chills dance down my spine. Who knew how this would work out in the end? Maybe I should just stick with their control for a little bit? Maybe it wasn’t so bad after all.

 

My train of thought paused as I placed my hand on the door. With all of my worries, my body took me there unconsciously and now that I was within feet of where I would allow myself to become part of the living dead. I felt my heartbeat quicken at the mere prospect of opening the door. Unfortunately, JARVIS saw my hesitation and opened the door for me, leaving me with no other options other than to leave or walk inside.

 

Opting for the latter, I made cautious steps inside the whitewashed hospital room. Several doctors and nurses were crowded around a metal slab table.  I stopped walking and just watched them. They were busy talking and arguing over the correct way to do things, ways to keep things cleaned, keep my body healthy. I felt a warm hand on my shoulder and I turned around to find out who the arm was attached to.

 

As soon as I was facing them, they pulled me into an embrace. I knew it was James at that moment, and I felt my body relax a bit. He noticed my hesitations and figured he could help me this way. I smiled into his chest, breathing in his musky all-American and some forced Russian scent. He tucked my head under his chin and held me tighter.

 

Both of us were absorbed in our own little world, becoming calmer just with the close proximity. I shifted back a bit to look at him, and he let us part slowly, just enough to look at each other. I tried to express my gratitude and fear in my eyes.

 

“I’m scared,” I whispered.

“Me too,” he whispered back sincerely.

“Well, that’s helpful James. Now all of my fears are gone because you feel the same way,” I muttered sarcastically.

“I was just trying to be honest with you, doll,” he smiled back, “but really, I love you. Come back to me soon alright, Y/n?”

“I love you too, but I- I don’t want to go,” I said trying to convey my bubbling emotions.

 

James nodded at me in understanding, the same anxiety and fear were mirrored in his own eyes. One of the doctors cleared their throat, effectively bursting our bubble. I quickly tried to detach myself from him, but he only budged far enough for me to make a quarter turn. I felt my face burn in embarrassment when I realized they had all been staring at us.

 

I pulled away from James once again and this time he relented, opting for grabbing my hand instead. The doctors motioned for me to lay down on the table, and I relented. My body tensed as it hit the cold metal and I squeezed James’ hand involuntarily. He squeezed back, looking into my eyes. His gaze, however, was broken quickly when I started to see a hint of worry and loss within them.

 

The doctors were still talking away when Loki came in. As soon as he stepped within a couple feet of them, they stopped. A nurse brought in an identical table on wheels and placed it next to mine. Loki, however, was not in the same traditional hospital garb that I was wearing, and instead donned a pair of leather pants and a thin cotton shirt.

 

He walked over towards me slowly, with a small smirk plastered on his face. I felt my heart spike in fear as he picked up his hand and placed in on my shoulder. His hand began to grow warm and soon my entire body was filled with the warm sensation and the cold metal of the table no longer bothered me. I felt much calmer, like someone was soothing me and telling me everything was going to be okay. As quickly as it had swept through me, the feeling left however when James swatted his hand away and the anxiety had returned.

 

“You realize I will have to touch her at some point, mortal?” Loki asked in regards to James.

“As long as I’m here with her, I want to be the only one touching her. You better protect her with your life, or you will regret it,” James spoke angrily.

“You should be grateful, mortal. I am helping her and you with your little problem,” Loki spat back.

“James, please, don’t start something. I need help with this and he’s the only one that can,” I whispered.

 

James looked at me with a frown. He sat down on the edge of the table and watched as Loki walked over behind my head. James was still on edge, but he calmed down. Loki placed his hands on each side of my head and the warmth spread through me. I closed my eyes in comfort.

 

~~~~

 

I felt myself falling and I jerked my entire body to prevent myself from crashing. My eyes flashed open quickly and I tried to sit up only to find myself in restraints. I searched around the room to find nurses monitoring my pulse. When it spiked, however, they crowded around me with their clip boards asking questions. They released my restraints and began asking me questions.

 

I looked over to my right to see Loki stirring on his metal slab. He opened his eyes and sat up with a jolt looking over at me. All the commotion startled the sleeping man in the corner. He awoke and came over. I laid my head back down, only to prop it back up to realize that the man was James.

 

I looked at James confused. He began shouting at people and waving his arms like a crazy person. I heard ringing in my ears and watched as the world began to shift. I heard Loki try to tell me something. It was garbled along with the rest of what the hospital personnel was saying. I looked over at Loki again to ask him what had happened, but the world grew too bright and I had to close my eyes.

 

I felt wind blow across my face and the room turn cold. I opened my eyes to find the world was dark and cold. It felt ominous and creepy. I got up and looked around while my eyes adjusted to the darkness.

 

The world itself was quite beautiful, cascading greys and oranges filled the sky, almost as if the sky was on fire. My eyes were soon adjusted enough, and I looked around me for any signs of familiar things. The ground was flat for miles around and hopelessly black. It had soft tendrils of smoke and dust lifting off around it giving it an almost charming, yet disturbing parody of heaven.

 

All around me were shadowy people. They seemed to be consumed in a similar burn that resembled the sky, but with more live coals. Whenever one came near, you could hear them: their animalistic whispers and demonic growls. They looked immensely human, but they sounded nothing like one. What were they?

 

My search for familiarity soon came to a stop when I saw a body on the ground. I rushed over towards it, only to find that it was the mischievous god himself. I sat down on the ground and picked up his head so that he could breathe better. As soon as his head cleared the smoked layer, he began to cough.

 

I watched helplessly as he emptied his lungs of the smoke. He seemed weakened here. As I noticed his weakness, I saw that I was in something similar to my mission clothing. It was a black cat suit, but made of a different material. The outfit, too, gave off the same smoky tendrils that littered the ground. It made me appear to be one of the shadowy people I saw all around us.  I raised my head to question Loki about it because he was in the same clothes that he was in back at the tower, but he just shook his head to tell me that he didn’t understand it either.

 

“Where are we?” I asked.

“The dream world,” he responded in wonder.

“Have you ever been here?”

“No, but I have heard legends of this realm, and it’s beauty.”

“Where do we start?” I asked.

“Well, this is a representation of everyone’s mind in the world. Everyone who has ever lived, or will live can be found in this realm. Those shadows are the protectors of the realms gates. You have been granted passage, based on your clothing, but I have not. I fear that my time here is limited, my dove. Regardless, once you are granted access inside there will be no one there, you have to summon them. The only person you need to worry about summoning, however, is yourself.  ”

“How am I supposed to find myself? Do I just shout or something?”

“The legends never spoke of this, only how to enter and exit the realm,” Loki spoke in a hushed tone.

“So I am on my own? Are you sure there wasn’t something else? How will we not get lost?” I asked, heartbroken.

“Not lost, per say, just, well, simply misguided,” he said with the same tone.

 

The shadowed people split and a relatively large group of 9 or 10 shadows came forward amongst the rest. They grunted and opened up their ranks. Some of the shadows came from behind me and began to hold my arms so they could push me within their ranks. I looked over at Loki and saw that they were not pushing him into the same circle.

 

I broke free from the shadows grasps and walked back over to Loki. He tried to gesture me to go with them, but I grabbed his wrist and pulled him to come with me. Loki criticized me under his breath telling me that I was stupid and wasting my opportunity. As we were walking towards them, Loki’s clothing was replaced with the same smoky black clothing that mine had.

 

I walked into their circle with Loki and their ranks closed to form a protective circle around us. I looked around with wonder, the sky, as we neared our destination became more red and it looked like the fire within it grew. The shadow people that resided in this area were much more gruesome and flew above us with a brighter fire burning within them as well.

 

As we furthered our journey, we began to see a large tower’s spire shooting into the air. It was intimidating, and immense. I looked over to Loki who was also gazing at the tower. He returned my glance and shrugged. His eyes betrayed him, however, and showed that he was actually more than nervous.

 

We were ushered into the front door of the castle and stood in a large room with an empty throne. I looked over at Loki, who once again shrugged. _Would he ever know what was happening?_

 

The shadows that formed the circle began to separate Loki and I. I tried to reach out to him, but he was already too far gone by the time I realized that our circle was moving away from theirs. Realizing that I was now alone with these shadows caused panic to stir within me, so I began to look around my surroundings for an escape.

 

The circle of shadows ushered me closer to the throne, and Loki further away. We began to ascend the steps at a slow even pace. I fell towards the back of the circle, almost touching the shadows. I was not prepared to meet the ruler of this dimension. At all.

 

We paused as we reached the platform the throne was set upon. It was made of a similar substance to onyx or obsidian, and was incredibly dark. The throne itself seemed to be winding around itself, constantly moving in the dim light that came from…

 

 _Where was the light coming from?_ There were no lights, or chandeliers, or even flames to light the room. It took me a moment, but I realized there was no light source anywhere, but somehow, wherever I went there was.

 

The shadows pushed me closer to the throne and disbanded the circle. I looked over at them in confusion, and another shadow came out from behind the throne. _Was this the ruler?_ I immediately kneeled down before the figure who chuckled from its non-existent mouth.

 

The new shadow pulled up my elbow and gestured for me to sit in the throne. I looked at it again. This time, it put its hands on my shoulders and guided me to the throne. I sat down cautiously, waiting to get back up immediately.

 

Once I was finally seated, a pulse emanated from the throne and spread as far as I could see. The pulse scared me even more, but I was held down by the shadow who forced me to sit. I closed my eyes as another pulse shook through the castle.

 

I opened my eyes slowly. The castle was now made out of a more silvery material instead of its impossibly black rock. The throne was made out of what appeared to be this dimensions version of ivory, but I hoped that it was harvested more humanely. Looking down at my body, I saw that I was in a cream leather cat suit with several shades of blue accents. It looked as if the dimension had found the light switch as everything was now made out of various shades of whites, off-whites, and blues.

 

Looking around me, the shadows appeared to be much more human like. Their outfits were similar to mine, however theirs were covered by armor plating. I looked up at them to find that they still had the after-images like their shadow counterparts, but now they had faces.

 

I didn’t recognize the shadows at first, but some of them looked like younger, happier versions of most of the Avengers. The person holding me down was a version of my very own Jamie. However, in this reality, he had both of his arms and had less of a haunted look in his eyes.

 

I looked around to see if I was there in the room with the others, but it seems that as usual I was nowhere to be found. The shadows, or well rather ghosts, seemed to notice my distress and made gestures to each other and at me. When they noticed I was watching them, they stopped and looked at me with a puzzled expression.

 

“Do you know where the version of me is here?” I asked quietly.

 

They shook their heads at me to tell me “no”. _Well, we’re off to a great start here._

 

“Why aren’t you shadows anymore?” I asked.

“There are certain people in the universe who have a destiny of sorts. We, in this dimension, exist to ensure that those destinies are carried out. For a long time, we have been kept in darkness because the destinies were set, as you might say, ‘in stone’, never to be put into motion. But now that you are here, you have set something in motion, the elementals no longer have control. It is the job of the glimmers to help our realistic counterparts carry out their destiny,” the group said in unison.

“What did I do? Who are the glimmers?” I asked, angry with myself.

“We are the glimmers, the dreams. We are representations of whoever is living, has lived, or will live. Here is where we create the realities that you and everyone else understand. Think of us as like the pawns in the game of life. You entered the dream world. By doing so you have allowed for reality to be changed, because you are one of them,” the glimmers answered.

“What do you mean I can change reality? Who are they?”

“Let us show you.”

 

They stepped back in their semicircle and the floor lit up. A hologram appeared from the ceiling and projected a map of the universe in front of me. The picture shifted and displayed the picture of five people. The two on either side of the person in the center seemed to represent an aspect of life: Entropy, Infinity, Death, and Eternity. The one in the center was positioned above them, she looked to be like their mother or their ruler.

 

“These are the makers. They are reincarnated throughout eons to ensure the balance of the universe. About half an eon ago, the Cosmic Entities rebelled against their leader as they were no longer satisfied with creating a peaceful world. Throughout time, they killed every reincarnation of their leader that they could find, but they failed this time. You have made it back and are ready to take back control,” they spoke.

“I think you may have the wrong person,” I said quietly.

“No, you brought the light back to us, you have to be the right person,” they insisted.

“I didn’t ask for this,” I spoke timidly.

“You may not have asked for this, but you came when you were needed,” they responded.

“What am I needed for?”

“You must sever the bond that Hydra has on you, learn about yourself, your abilities. You must take down Hydra to the best of your abilities, and build allies. Eventually, you must fight Thanos, and prevent him from destroying the world.”

“Wait, Thanos? Why him, I thought, if anything, the issue would be the Cosmic Entities,” I asked.

“The Cosmic Entities, in their earlier regenerations, they decided they would create the infinity stone as a way to create the undoing of _Super Omnia_ , their ruler. They themselves could not trigger the demise of millions without triggering you, so they placed it in the universe so that if one person were to collect all of the stones, they could destroy the universe. The Cosmics did not know, however, that the collection of all the stones would make you come here.”

“But, I didn’t come here to deal with them, I came to free myself from Hydra.”

“We understand.”

 

The picture shifted again to show my body in reality. I saw myself laying there on the bed. The room had changed quite drastically. There were observation windows now, and only a few machines. It looked like only one person was visiting me because there were several pink camellias in various stages of decay in a vase on the bedside table next to me.

I looked back at the glimmers. They smiled at me and gestured for me to walk around in the hologram. I pushed off the throne and glanced at my sleeping form. For once in my life, I looked like I was at peace. There were no bags under my eyes, no worry lines etched into my face. I moved some hair from around my unconscious form’s own face and pulled the sheets around myself. I felt my forehead and watched the monitors for signs of life.

 

I looked sad in my sleep, like somewhere inside me I wanted to be awake. My eyes brows furrowed when my hand connected to my forehead. I paused and smoothed the wrinkles on my face. I wondered how long I had been asleep because my hair had been a bit shorter when I first went to sleep. I pulled the blankets around my shoulders after my reality body shivered at my touch. My real body’s hand came up and touched mine as I pulled on the covers.

 

The heart monitor appeared to have slowed almost to a stop. My heartbeat was so slow it seemed that at any moment, if I were to skip a beat I would die. My body was colder than normal, but I suppose that was due to the lower temperature. _Where was Loki? Was he in a different room?_

 

I nodded to the glimmers in thanks and the room shifted, bringing me to the common area of the tower. I looked around and saw that it was movie night. The glimmers smiled down upon themselves. I reached out to some of them and tapped their shoulders, hoping that they could see me and I could give them a sign that I was alright.

 

I approached Steve, when his glimmer pulled my hand away from him. I looked at him with a confused expression, but he just shook his head and looked at himself with a sad expression, almost as if he knew bad things would happen soon.

 

The other glimmers soon all came down and admired themselves from afar. I wanted to communicate with them, rather terribly. I missed them. Steve’s hair had grown out a lot since I last saw him. Tony had new glasses and the furniture had changed. _How long have I been away?_

 

I saw Wanda sitting on the couch with -… _Who is that? Why does he have his arm around her?_

 

I reached out towards Wanda, looking back at the others. They didn’t stop me, but nodded for me to continue. I placed my hand on top of hers and she looked down at it like she could feel it. I knelt down in front of her and her eyes shifted to look in my direction.

 

_Wanda?_

“Y/n? Is that you?” she whispered under her breath.

_How long have I been asleep? Comatose?_

“About 8 months, give or take. Where are you? Is everything okay?” she replied.

_I have no idea. What happened? Is everyone okay?_

“A lot has happened, Y/n. Are you coming back to us soon?”

_I have no idea. Where’s Loki?_

“I don’t know, he’s still asleep, as far as I know. They kept him in the basement instead of putting him with you because he was moving things around in his sleep and screaming.”

_You need to bring him back up with me, I feel like whatever happens in the dream world happens in reality. I will try and find a way to you all soon._

The hologram disappeared when I had finished the word. I looked over to the glimmers, who had a very disappointed look on their faces. They stepped back from me and conversed within themselves for a moment. They turned back towards me and began pushing me back onto the throne.

 

“You aren’t leaving us. We will keep you safe here,” they spoke.

“How am I supposed to defeat Hydra from here? Where is Loki?” I asked.

“We will decide that later.”

“That’s not fair. I have a life there, I can’t just not exist there!” I yelled.

“We understand that you are upset, but it is truly safer here,” they spoke in a calming tone.

 

I stood up against them. I pushed my arms away from me, hoping that I had some sort of control over them. The glimmers were pushed back against the wall. I rose up into the air, thank whoever was listening that I had abilities here.

 

I half ran and half flew out of the building. Stumbling down the stairs, I tried to get away as quickly. All around me the glimmers began to shift back into their shadow forms. I kept running, passing through all of the glimmers that tried to stop me.

 

I bumped into one of the glimmers and it knocked us both back. I glanced up to see if I recognized them. How could I not? It was myself. I picked myself up off and began to run away from the glimmers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry guys, I know it's been over a month since my last update. As an update for you guys as to what's going on with my life, I am a senior in hs and am trying to be able to do sports in college. Over the last month, a lot has changed for me and I was doing a lot to prepare myself for college. Also there was a death in my family so I have to deal with that. I'm having issues with my body and I really don't know what's going on with it right now. I have almost no confidence in myself and have just been struggling to believe in myself lately, hence the lack of this chapter being posted. Not going to lie I've had this written for almost two weeks, but I just haven't been happy with it. 
> 
> Anyways, enough rambling... 
> 
> I really hope you guys enjoyed this.  
> As always, advise and criticize in the comments below, as long as its positive.
> 
> Have a good one.  
> Sky


	22. Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severing the bond was a bit different that you thought.

We ran until we couldn’t anymore. The other glimmers chased us until they eventually got bored. Both of us were exhausted and found a little hollowed out mountain to sleep in until we were rested enough to continue.

 

The glimmer and I spent several days just walking around. We talked about our shared past and how everything was going for both of us. She explained to me the concept of how glimmers were supposed to work. The glimmers function as a sort of sub-conscious to the actual person and help filter out some of the emotions and thoughts. The glimmer and I were the same person, we just noticed different things.

 

My glimmer also told me that other glimmers knew what happened in their counterparts entire life, however when I asked about it, the glimmer just chuckled and said it was better if I didn’t know.

 

It was difficult to talk to… myself. I felt that there was such a disconnect in how we were talking. I felt extremely lost.

 

“What’s going to happen now?” I asked.

“Well, we are going to sever the bond they have on you and then you get to leave.”

“How do I sever the bond? What about you?”

“You found yourself right? Well that’s what Loki told you to do,” the glimmer sassed.

“Yes, but he didn’t tell me what to do after that.”

“Simple, you have to terminate the bond by eliminating who is affected.”

“Well, who’s affected?” I questioned.

“You have to kill yourself,” the glimmer said as if it was nothing, “Actually, you have to kill me, or this version of yourself. It will basically allow you to have control over yourself in both this world and next.”

“Are you telling me that I have to kill you?”

“Yes? I thought I was pretty clear about that one,” my glimmer responded sarcastically.

 

I breathed out slowly. _I had to kill myself, or the glimmer version of me._ I contemplated what that would mean for me, if I were to lose my sub-consciousness. Would I just slowly go insane, or would I not notice a difference. I began to think up every good and bad possibility, every outcome that could occur within it all. The fear began to set into my bones and resonate throughout me.

 

I looked at the glimmer, who gave me a small smile. They were nervous. I was nervous. The glimmer seemed exceedingly apprehensive at this point, so I tried to give them an opportunity to back out. We continued walking until we stumbled upon a small cave. It faced a large cliff that dropped off into seemingly nothingness. The sky above and around the cave seemed to shine with more force than anywhere else and I can see the curvature of the world.

 

“Are you sure?” I asked.

“Yes, this is why I’m here. It is my destiny,” the glimmer responded in monotone.

“What about everything else they told me? The prophecy and saving the world from Thanos?” I asked, feeling more questions arise as the time went on.

“I have no idea, it could be real it could not be. My knowledge ends here.”

“Are you ready to – die – for me?”

“The more you question it the more hesitant I will become, so if we can get this moving while I’m still feeling righteous and helpful, I’d appreciate it,” the glimmer spoke harshly.

“So, how do I, you know?” I asked as I gestured to mean kill them.

“Umm, you can use a knife, or a rock, or whatever you can find, but I really don’t want it to be slow.”

“Is there a reason you picked this spot?” I asked.

“I thought it was pretty. The red hues of the sky are beautiful here.”

“I guess so. Did the mighty Cosmics give me something to kill you with?”

“Other than rocks, I don’t think so.”

“You know I really don’t want to kill you right?” I asked.

“Yes, but it is your destiny to kill me and my destiny to die.”

“Do you want to go to sleep maybe and then I will you know –“ I asked worriedly.

“Sure, I suppose that’s the best way to go.”

“How are you so calm about this?” I wondered.

“From one Y/n to another, trust me, self-sacrifice is our thing.”

 

The glimmer rolled onto the ground and closed their eyes as I smirked in acknowledgement. What the glimmer said was true, we did tend to sacrifice ourselves for the good of others, it just felt weird that I was sacrificing a version of myself to save myself. I watched over them and tried to be as quiet as possible so that they were peaceful. I looked around me, trying to wonder how to end them without waking them.

 

I found a sizeable rock and palmed it in my hand. It had some rough edges and points that would make it easier to kill. I tossed it around in my palm, trying to figure out which way would be the best to. Could I actually kill the glimmer? I was having such a moral dilemma. Sure, I had killed people before and hadn’t even blinked. But now, it felt so personal, because it was me.

 

What would even happen to them? I mean they’d be dead, but would another version of me come around? Or would I just cease to exist in this world? I want to make sure that I am not just ending someone’s life to benefit my own, that seems so unfair, even if it is my own. I felt myself move around the small cave, I tried to be quiet so I didn’t disturb the glimmer. I spent much more time deliberating over whether or not I should kill the glimmer,

 

By the time I came out of my own mind, I was kneeling next to the glimmer. The rock in my hand started to dig into my skin as I held it tighter in my hand. I raised my hands over the glimmer, holding the rock. I moved their hair out of the way and brought the rock down onto their neck.

 

After a sickening crack, I felt the world lurch. I squeezed my eyes shut and began feeling dizzy. I tried to get up off the ground, but my body felt too heavy to move. I felt myself getting heavier and heavier until I eventually blacked out.

 

~~~~

_Alright, mental check._

_10 fingers? Check. Do they move? Yes._

_10 toes? Check. Do those move? Yes._

_2 legs, 2 arms? Check, check. A bit heavier, but they more._

_Can I move them all at once? Check._

_What can I feel around me? Something soft and squishy like a mattress. Weird. Since when has there been a mattress in a cave?_

_Can I hear anything? Some steady beeping, but other than that no. Strange, no voices or wind._

_Smell? It all smells like bleach, but then again it always did in the medical ward._

_Medical Ward._

I opened my eyes and sat up in the bed. My eyes began to sting as they adjusted to the brightness of the fluorescent lights. The monitors next to me started beeping faster than before. I stared at them, trying to remember what that meant. There was just endless beeping and I couldn’t remember, why couldn’t I remember?

 

A nurse came in with a clipboard. I met her gaze and she jumped and ran out of the room. I attempted talking to her, asking her what was wrong, but my throat was raw and all that came out was a small squeak along with a gasp of air. I tried to get up after her, but I couldn’t move fast enough. I looked up at the ceiling and watched the patterns on the ceiling dance around the tile. It was weird, there was so much more movement in the world now. I sat up on the bed, but immediately had to lay back down because I was so dizzy that everything seemed like a fun house.

 

The nurse came back with several doctors and a couple other people that I couldn’t distinguish. They began shinning lights in my eyes, moving my arms and legs, poking me with needles. I tried to shrivel into myself, but they kept my limbs taught. Once I pulled one away, they would pull it back and begin to test everything over and over. _Why couldn’t I control my own body?_

 

I felt the panic set in. Every little touch was becoming too much for me. I began hearing all of their voices at once in a giant blur. The lights were too bright, the sounds too loud, the smells too strong, the sounds too loud. I pushed away their hands and pulled my own limbs into me. I felt over whelmed and didn’t want people around me anymore.

 

“Please, go,” I whispered in the most pathetic voice I could muster.

 

The voices ceased, the touching stopped, the lights were turned off. All that was left was the shuffling of feet as people stepped out of the room. A single man came into the room. I could hear him breathing, loud and husky. He felt tall, or seemed relatively tall judging by the heavy sound of his footsteps.

 

He approached me slowly and put his hand on my shoulder. I pulled away instantly, trying to protect myself from the contact. He shushed me, which made me even more sensitive to him. Again I tried pulling away, and the man allowed me.

 

“Y/n?” the man asked, but I couldn’t respond, everything felt so raw.

“Y/n, I need you to open your eyes,” he commanded, but I didn’t want to.

“Y/n, open your eyes now,” the voice continued to demand.

“Open your eyes,” the voice screamed.

 

I complied, if only to get the voice to stop getting louder. _Loki._ He was here and he was alive. I tried to jump up to hug him, but the movement reminded me that I was still severely overwhelmed.

 

“I am going to calm you down, but I need you to stay still. I will go into your mind, but I promise I won’t touch or move anything around.”

 

I felt someone poking and prodding what seemed like the inside of my brain. I cringed internally as the pokes became harder and more prevalent than before. I gasped as the poking stopped.

 

“Did you block your brain?” Loki asked quizically.

“No, I haven’t done anything,” I whispered trying to make as little noise as possible, confused as to what he was saying.

 

Loki sat down on the bed, which made me jump at the sound of the crinkling noise. He crawled over me and placed his elbows at the side of my head. The prodding sensation began again, only to stop much more quickly this time. The panic began once again and I felt like I was going to explode with anxiety.

 

I was suddenly much more aware of his nearness towards me. I tried to cringe and back away from Loki in an attempt for him to let me go. He noticed my contempt for the situation and sat back on his knees, but managed to still hover over me.

 

“What did you do over there?” Loki whispered.

 

I didn’t respond. It all felt like a blur now. Everything happened so quickly and then I, no my glimmer was dead. Then I was back here and everyone seemed shocked I was awake.

 

“My glimmer is dead. That’s all I know for sure,” I answered.

“What did they tell you? What happened?” he asked in rapid succession.

“It’s all a blur, Loki. If I could remember clearly, I would tell you okay?”

“Damn, I wish you knew, we could have learned so much.”

“Where did you go, Loki?” I asked.

“All I know is that after about a week in this world’s time I was ejected from the dream world. They, the glimmers, did not want me there so they simply woke me up,” he said sadly.

 

I stayed quiet and just contemplated what I was told. I wonder how long I had been gone. Maybe the entire team was dead now? Oh, god, what  would happen if they were all dead?

 

Loki seemed perplexed at my staring and internal monologue and walked out of the room after watching me for a bit. I was left alone, finally. I was feeling a bit more comfortable in my own body now. The constant beeping of the heart monitor was so loud, though. Would it ever just be quiet?

 

I figured that because I lost some of my subconscious that I was much more sensitive to everything now, which explained why I was having such a hard time with everyone being near me.

 

I took the little sensor off my index finger and watched as the machined flat-lined, which was much more annoying than the beeping. I pulled the machines plug out of the wall and with that the beeping stopped entirely. I smiled to myself, at my problem solving skills.

 

Pushing my legs off the bed, I prepared myself to stand. I gingerly put weight on my legs to test them out. My knees wobbled a bit, but seemed steady enough. Walking around the bed was simple, considering I had a hand on the mattress the entire time. I gently took my hand off the mattress and began testing out my balance to see if I could feasibly walk down the hall. I was definitely shaky, but I could probably manage as long as I stayed close to the wall.

 

I made my way down the hallway slowly. Each step was taken very carefully because I was not going to make a fool of myself by falling. How long had it been since I had walked? I passed Tony’s lab and saw someone working in there. It had to be pretty late because it was soothingly dark outside. I decided that whoever was in there would probably now mind a little company.

 

I walked in slowly, knocking on one of the tables as I neared the person so they wouldn’t be scared and break something. As I suspected, it was actually Tony there working until all hours of the day and night. He mumbled something and pointed towards a stool next to him.

 

Waiting patiently for him to finish his task, I looked around the room. There were several things that had been moved around. Tony’s bar had been replaced with a bigger one. The walls had been replaced and repainted like something had broken them. Looking more closely at Tony, he had a small scar in his eyebrow like he had been cut with something.

 

I wondered what had happened with the team while I was gone. Judging by the scar and the differences in the room, I guess it must have been somewhat significant. Or maybe it was just one of Tony’s experiments beating it’s creator out of spite.

 

He looked over at me to see what I was looking at. I made eye contact and smiled at him. Tony gave me a light hearted smile back and resumed his work. Just as I was about to begin asking him questions about how long I was gone, Tony looked at me again with a surprised expression to which I furrowed my brow.

 

Tony stood up then, knocking over his stool and picked me up into a bear hug. I laughed breathlessly as my life force was being squeezed out of me. He set me down slowly. I wobbled and almost fell when I had both feet back on the ground.

 

I felt someone behind me, but before I could react, they put their hand on me. I jumped and closed my eyes, only to open them back up and find myself back in the dream world.

 

_Great._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry about not posting. I have a lot going on right now in my life and some unresolved feelings that I am having a hard time coping with right now. 
> 
> Also sorry it's short, I have an actual plan of whats happening now so it should be easier for me to write. It will probably be a while because I have a funeral this weekend and I am really really dreading having to go so I might be a bit messed up...
> 
> Please comment, I want to know if you guys are still willing to read this or if you all are gone because I never post...
> 
> <3 Sky


	23. Reawakening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry about the lack of updates guys. I have kind of lost my motivation on this story for a long time because I have another story that I want to work on and flesh out. It has been consuming a lot of my thoughts lately. So, I have decided to put this one on the back burner officially and work on the other one so I can get the creative juices flowing.

_Great._

_The dream world, exactly where I wanted to be._

_I murdered someone to get out of here last time. What do I have to do now to leave?_

I wasn’t in the cave anymore, I was back in the castle. It took me a moment to get my bearings, but I managed to walk myself into the throne room once again. The room towered above me in a less ominous way than I remembered it.

 

The silvery walls seemed much brighter, and the ground looked more like a dark oak then the abyss it seemed like before. The sky, from what I could see through the windows, looked less fire-y and more of a dark cloudy day. The castle definitely had a much more modern and inviting touch than it did before. A few of the glimmers walked around me and they seemed to be wearing light grey outfits that had tendrils of smoke coming off them gently, instead of the black ones they wore before.

 

The whole world seemed much more inviting then it did before. Almost like everything lost it’s dark demeanor and had a renewed sense of self. Maybe there could be some sort of redemption for this world after all. Maybe, just maybe, this could be better organized into the paradise that the dream world was supposed to be, or at least in my thoughts.

 

I wondered around the building without a sense of purpose, hoping that someone will ask me what I am doing and point me in the right direction. That direction being out of here and back to reality.

 

There were rooms upon rooms filled with people of different ages, races, and time periods all discussing different things. I accidentally bumped into someone and muttered my apologies, walking away. The glimmer did the same until they realized who I was and ran back towards me.

 

“Y/n?” the glimmer asked hesitantly.

“Yes? That’s me,” I responded.

“Of the Avengers?” it questioned.

“I suppose you could say that,” I said with a slight smile.

“You need to come with me,” the glimmer stated, walking away after motioning me to follow.

 

I hoped that in following the glimmer I would be able to find a way out of here and back to the real world. We walked for a little bit, turning this way and that in the various hallways, up and down stairs too. I asked a variety of questions about the sudden change in décor, but nothing came out of it other than phrases that avoided the question or changed the subject entirely.

 

Eventually, we ended up at a small room that appeared white and sterile like a hospital. Off the room, extended a large hallway with what seemed like thousands of different doors branching off the main room. The glimmer continued to take me down the hallway and stopped to the left of a door.

 

I looked at the glimmer with a questioning glance, but they just opened the door muttering something about destiny. The room had a pain look about it, white with a hint of baby blues. It matched the rest of the rooms, but had a bit more color to it.

 

It was set up similar to a fancy hotel room: a large bed in the middle of the room with a t.v. across from it, what looked like a small closet and a bathroom, and a single dark figure siting at a small table with three chairs.

The figure was rocking themselves back and forth in an effort to calm themselves down. The room flashed and the person stood up. I tried to make out the person’s face, and then I realized it was James and that he was trying to come back from an episode.

 

“What are you doing here?” I asked incredulously.

“Y/n?” he croaked out, voice tired and ragged.

“Yea, it’s me. Why are you in here all by yourself? Where are the others? Where are we?”

 

I walked towards him, trying to put my arm on his in an effort to calm him. It always worked in the real world, physical contact was our way of showing solidarity with each other, but this time he reacted violently, throwing my arm off him. I looked at him worriedly, the concern etching lines in my face. His eyes switched from relief to that of worry quickly and then further changed to that of dread.

 

“I’m unconscious in the real world, so I was put in here in the dream world. Everyone is allowed to roam free, but when we are unconscious in the real world, we are not allowed to interact with others. When you do, you get in trouble and then you get punished, it’s just how it works. But you, how are you in here? Didn’t you deal with your double, or other you, or whatever you want to call it?” James questioned.

“I thought so. I was with Tony and then someone surprised me and then I was back here in the castle.”

“Castle? Is this what this place is called? I always thought it would be something much more - Wait! Shit! Y/n, you aren’t supposed to be back here. You are supposed to be in reality dealing with everything you’ve missed since you’ve been gone,” James chastised.

 

I moved away from him in confusion. I found a seat across from him, and took a deep breath trying to calm myself a bit more. This was too much too fast, and I was having a hard time keeping track.

“What? How long have I been out?” I blurted out.

“I think it’s been 9 months.”

 

I paused trying to take in every word at face value and not over analyze everything he said. Clearly both he and I were upset and confused. Then I wondered –

 

“What do you mean? You _think_ 9 months?”

“You weren’t supposed to find out this way, dammit Tony, I trusted you to do this for me. They were supposed to have found something by the time you woke up. Tony promised me. Why haven’t they found anything yet? They promised me. I just -”

“James, you aren’t making sense. What happened?” I spoke cutting him off.

“I’m on ice, Y/n. They promised that they would find a way out for me before you woke up, but apparently they were wrong.”

“What? Why? What happened?” I asked, heartbroken.

“Some, ass, found a way to trigger my brainwashing and turn me back into _him_. I decided that I wanted to get whatever it is out of me, so until they could figure it out, I wanted to be put on ice so I couldn’t hurt anyone anymore. And you were here, in wherever this is, so it wouldn’t be an issue, they were supposed to have figured it out before you woke up and then you wouldn’t have to know about it and I would be better. Everything would be okay, and we could be happy,” he responded.

“James? Really? After everything? You were doing so well,” I yelled in frustration.

“Hey, you don’t know what I went through. You cannot make that judgement.”

 

He was angry now. I hoped that he wasn’t angry with me, because after everything we went through, he was right, we deserved a few moments of peace and to be happy for once.

“You’re right, James, I don’t. But I was expecting that you would get some help with your issues instead of just icing yourself. I thought we agreed that if anything were to happen to one of us, the other one would recover,” I spoke in anger.

“Fine, next time I’m unconscious for months at a time and you have people controlling you, you just recover, Y/n. You just sit there and you recover,” James spat out.

“James, look, I’m sorry. I don’t know where I am, I don’t know how to get back. And on top of that I just figured out that you’re here and iced. I think I have a right to be a little upset right now.”

“You need to leave, Y/n. Just get out, please. You aren’t even supposed to be here right now,” James scolded.

“What? James I just found you. Look, I know I’m not supposed to be here, but at least we are together, right?” I pleaded.

“You don’t get it do you? I am supposed to sit here and suffer because I went under again. I am supposed to sit here and suffer, and not have you here to comfort me and hold my hand through this. I chose this, so I am just supposed to sit here and deal with it,” James shouted redundantly, but the message was clear.

“James, please, don’t send me away. I’m lost here.”

“I get that you’re lost, doll, I do. But you have to be lost somewhere else. When you get out, have them wake me up. If they haven’t found something by now, they likely won’t find something for a while. At least this time, I’ll have you there with me,” James spoke quietly, all of the anger seemingly leaving him.

 

I gave him a look of wonder and concern, but eventually I walked out when he did not return any of my glances. James did not seem to be wanting to converse much more as he stared at the wall blankly.

 

I went through the hallway, in an attempt to go back the way I came. My escort left me, so it took me a while to find my way back. The throne room came back into view, I walked over to it, and I felt drawn to it. Upon sitting on the gilded chair, I saw a small portal open up a few feet in front of me.

 

_Was this my way out?_

 

I stood up cautiously, like I was trying not to scare the portal into disappearing. Step by step, I inched towards the glowing silver doorway. I cautiously put my hand in. There was a cooling sensation, but nothing that seemed extremely dangerous or life threatening. I silently wondered to myself if this would lead me back to the lab. Figuring that blind trust was all that was going to help me survive this, I walked through the portal and walked straight into Tony’s lab where I had disappeared.  

 

I turned around slowly, and walked right into someone. I quickly mumbled my apologies only to look up and see it was Tony. I stepped back from him a bit, hoping that no one would scare me as they did last time. He walked around me slowly, trying not to make me disappear again. We made eye contact and he nodded, opening his mouth trying to form some words.

 

“Hi,” I whispered in an awkward attempt at the start of a conversation.

“Hi, indeed,” Tony responded.

 

I stuck my hand out so that we could finally touch, but I still had some control over the situation. Our fingers met softly and Tony grunted, forcing me to make eye contact with him. I looked at him and nodded. Fingers turned into a full hand hold as he established trust again with me. It was like I was a fragile little baby, he treated me like if he held my hand too hard I would break.

 

“Where did you go?” Tony asked after the long silence.

“The Dream World, where I was before,” I answered.

“Again? I thought you severed your ties there, literally,” Tony smirked to himself.

“Haha, Tony, very funny. No, I have a feeling that I just share my conscious between there and, well, here,” I spoke unsurely.

“How do you feel?” Tony asked bringing the seriousness back.

“Confused, dizzy, a little bit sick to my stomach,” I answered truthfully.

“Well, that makes sense because you haven’t eaten anything in about a week and a half,” Tony chided.

“I’ve been gone that long?”

“Yea,” Tony drew out the word obviously thinking about something else.

“Tony? What are you thinking about? You’ve gotten quiet, and that normally is not a good thing,” I asked sarcastically, but cautiously.

“I want to run some tests. On you. When you’re ready, of course,” He answered in broken sentences because of his apparent excitement in the new research possibilities.

“Tests?”

“Consciousness tests, brain scans, some blood tests,” Tony rattled off all that he could think of in the moment.

“Can we go see James?” I asked suddenly remembering.

“James, is not here right now, Y/n,” Tony sighed, obviously with holding the information.

“I know, I talked to him,” I stated matter-of-factly.

“You spoke to him? Where? He’s been, gone, for a while now,” Tony asked.

“In the Dream World, he was there. He told me he was on ice. I argued with him, and argued back, we got into a fight and then he screamed at me to get out,” I answered truthfully.

“Ouch. What did he say about getting un-popsicled though?” Tony continued.

“He wants to come out of there. He said that he knows that he wanted to come out when they had a cure, but he was willing to come out early, because I’m here to help him,” I spoke, remembering his words.

“Okay, I guess he can always go back under. Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

 

Tony nodded at me and led me down the hall towards the medical labs. I followed him like an eager little puppy dog, even though I was still mad at him. We entered into a set of double doors that were lined with several layers of bulletproof glass by the thickness of the doors. There were several little life pods lining room, but there was one that had a hundred or so little attachments coming out of it. I walked over to it, and put my hand on the frosted glass.

 

It was definitely cold to the touch, and I could see the outline of James in there. I watched as a tear fell on the glass coffin and I realized I was crying. Tony called out my name, and I turned around to find him with his arm outstretched. I walked over to him, finding some comfort.

 

I pulled away a little bit after that when I realized that he was starting to wake James up. I pulled a chair next to the pod and sat there. My eyes followed Tony’s hands as he started pressing buttons to undo whatever it was that kept James in the sleep state.

 

The capsule opened and the air became frigid. I shivered a little bit and reached my hand out to grab James’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case you didn't see it at the beginning:
> 
> I'm so sorry about the lack of updates guys. I have kind of lost my motivation on this story for a long time because I have another story that I want to work on and flesh out. It has been consuming a lot of my thoughts lately. So, I have decided to put this one on the back burner officially and work on the other one so I can get the creative juices flowing.


	24. A New Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have excuses, but I personally hate it when an author goes "oh well you see I just was busy blah blah blah". Long story short: I'm sorry. I can't promise how often I will upload but it should be much sooner than every 8 months or so...
> 
> With that being said, I'm sorry for the grammatical errors and possible spelling errors. My writing setup and laptop have changed and so it might not be the best.
> 
> Recap: You just woke up from having an argument with James. He has asked you to wake him up, so you have asked Tony to help you. :)

It took a while. Much, much longer than I would have liked. It turns out that thawing a man was not as easy as opening Snow White’s glass casket.

 

As soon as the machine had quieted, Tony looked between me and James before making his exit. Something had happened between them, the air was much to tense for this to have happened. I still was holding hands with James, our argument still ringing in my ears. 

 

His hand slowly grasped mine as his eyes fluttered open. It took him a minute to understand everything that was happening and to figure out where he was. His eyes darted around the room, finally settling on my figure. James did a double take before smiling from ear to ear. He sat up much too quickly and hugged me.

 

“Slow down there big guy, I don’t want you to get dizzy,” I whispered.

“I missed you, so much,” he whispered into my shoulder he was trying to bury himself in.

“I know, I’m here now. I’m sorry I was gone so long,” I replied.

“It’s okay, you’re here now, and that is all that I want right in this moment.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to get out of bed there, Snow White?” I laughed.

“Actually, yes. I do want to get out of here.”

 

I helped him out of the coffin and sat him down in the chair that I had previously occupied. He was a bit shaky and definitely needed the support right now to make sure that he could properly walk. James pulled me down to sit on his lap, attempting to hold me as close to him as possibly could.

 

“James, I’m not planning on going anywhere anytime soon, you don’t have to smother me,” I laughed.

“I just want to hold you for a bit, it’s been hard without you here,” James sighed.

“I know it has, I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you and even though I don’t agree with it now, I know that you felt that you needed to be put under for the others’ safety,” I matched his serious tone. 

“You know about that?” he asked, confused.

“We talked about this in the other world, don’t you remember? You said that I had to find a way back and wake you up because if I was there then you could feel stable again with my help, or something like that anyways,” I rattled off.

“I don’t, but did I tell you about the accords? Or the little Civil War we had?” James spoked.

“What? What happened?”

“To sum it up, the team was told that they had to be under the government’s control because we were doing whatever we wanted and we were killing innocent civilians. They wanted us to give up our decision on which missions we could go to, they would deem which ones were necessary for us to get involved in. The team was divided. Steve disagreed, thinking that we needed to be able to save as many people as we could and that we would not be able to do that if we had a collar and leash attached to our necks. But Tony, Tony sided with those bastards,” James growled, “he wanted us to be tied down like dogs. We ended up fighting each other, the team being split. Steve was trying to get me help for whatever was going on with me and Tony tried to stop him.”

“James, baby, you’re grip is getting a bit tight on my arm,” I spoke up, the pain getting sharp.

“I’m sorry,” he said, quickly releasing my arm.

“It’s okay, I know this took a toll on you,” I said, kissing his forehead.

“Tony, he followed us to the guy that we were trying to kill. I was trying to escape, Steve had told me he would handle it and next thing I know Steve and I are beating up Tony. He was angry, he pushed Steve aside and knocked him against the wall. I started punching him in the face and he blew off my metal arm and,” James paused, looking down at the ground.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to finish if you don’t want to,” I spoke.

 

We sat there in the silence. James’ mind was spiralling, I could tell. I threaded my fingers through his hair trying to bring him back to this part of the world. I made eye contact with him and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. 

 

I moved to straddle his legs and put my hands on the side of his face. He looked at me, his eyes conveying the pain that he felt. I smoothed the pads of my thumbs across the worry lines and creases that were showing in his face. He turned his head and pressed a kiss onto the inside of my hand. I pressed my forehead against his and kissed him, trying to help ease his pain somehow. 

 

Our tender moment was cut short by Steve, who came to check on his friend. Steve’s face immediately became red, and then the shock of his best friend being awake took hold of him. His face lit up like a four-year-old’s on Christmas morning. I slid myself off James’ lap and helped him stand up. Steve launched himself towards his friend, grabbing onto him and swallowing him into a hug.

 

I stood off to the side and watched as the friends reunited. It was clear that Steve did not want James to go under like that, but he was happy to have his friend back nonetheless. Natasha was next to come in and visit James.

 

She saw the boys having their moment and stood off to the side. She glanced around the room and saw me wave at her. She walked over to me and hugged me quickly saying that she was glad to have me back. Clint followed after her, making his appearance in the room. He hugged me and then went over to talk with the boys and Natasha.

 

It was nice to see that James was being welcomed back into the world like he was. I had to admit that I was a bit jealous, but these were his friends not mine. As James was surrounded by his friends, I told him that I was going to take walk around for a bit. He seemed hesitant at first, but the others encouraged him to let me go so that they could spend some time with him.

 

I walked down the hall and made my way to the elevator. I had to go talk to Tony. I felt bad for the man. He was doing what he thought was right and, while I do agree with the others, was beaten up for it and no doubt isolated because of it. With James and I back, however, it would be that much more prevalent to him all of the tension that the team had created.

 

I knew this was risky. Tony and I never really had gotten along in the first place, but I knew that no one on the team would want to come down here and talk things out with him. I hoped that he wasn’t drunk or building something extremely dangerous, but I couldn’t do much.

 

I knocked on the door to his lab. The lights were dimmed and low. No one answered so I let myself in walking amongst the various beeping machines.

“Tony?” I called out into the lab.

“Come here to reprimand me? Tell me how wrong I was about everything? Or maybe it’s to beat me up about hurting your boyfriend, Frosty? I built him his new arm, you know? Do I get any thanks for that? No, because it was my fault in the first place,” Tony screams.

“I came in here to see if you were okay. You had your reasons for doing what you did, and I’m proud that you tried to make it right. I just wanted to see if you wanted to talk,” I said, approaching him.

“Who put you up to this hmm? Was it Capsicle? I doubt it. You know for as noble as he is, the man really knows how to hold a grudge and go for the low blows,” Tony spoke, slurring his words.

“No one put me up to it, I came down here on my own,” I answered.

“So what then? Is this my therapy session? I say what I want and then my problems go away? We can’t all just disappear into another dimension to escape from our problems like you can,” Tony accused.

“Tony, please. I just wanted to know how you were doing with everything, I know it’s hard on you, and everyone’s blaming you. You have become an enemy in your own household and you have resorted to hiding yourself in the lab and drinking yourself into oblivion,” I pleaded.

“If you know how I am doing then why bother come down here?” he asked, the pain prevalent in his voice.

“I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to say thank you and tell you that I’m here if you want to talk. You don’t have to be a prisoner in your own house and certainly not in your own mind. Too many of us have suffered mentally to not reach out,” I said, shrugging my shoulders.

 

Tony just stood there, looking between me and the floor. I walked towards him, taking the empty glass of alcohol away from him. I wrapped my arms around him in a gentle hug and then moved to let go. 

 

As soon as I made a move to break the hug, Tony put his arms around me and began hugging me back. I felt a wet spot on my shoulder and I pulled back. His eyes were red and he immediately started rubbing his face on his t-shirt, trying to erase any signs of weakness.

 

“Tony, let’s get you to bed, okay? Is Pepper still here?” I asked softly.

“No, um, she… she left me a while ago. It’s just me now,” he mumbled.

“When was the last time you had a proper night’s sleep?” I continued.

“I have never had a proper night’s sleep, what time is it anyway?” he asked.

“It’s around 8, I know that is much too early for most people to go to bed, but just try,” I pleaded.

 

Tony nodded at me, pulling away from me. He stumbled to the elevator, pausing and holding the door for me. I walked into it and stood next to him. The door shut and we were left in a comfortable silence as we went to the main floor.

 

“Tony?” I spoke suddenly.

“What?” he said, clearing his throat of the emotion that was still very present.

“Have a glass of water before you go to bed, I don’t want you to get hungover,” I smiled, still facing the wall.

 

He smirked and nodded as the elevator stopped. He mouthed thank you and we went our separate ways. I turned around to watch him get a glass of water from the sink and head up to his room. I walked into the lounge to find James.

 

Most of the inhabitants of the house were there, laughing and catching up. I came up behind James and put my hands on his shoulders. He looked up and pulled me down for a kiss. I reciprocated and then pulled away moving to sit next to him.

 

James was obviously relishing the fact that he was awake and able to enjoy the little things again. He pulled me up and into his lap playfully kissing my neck over and over again.

 

“Where were you?” Steve asked, trying to distract James’ attack on my neck.

“I was talking with Tony,” I said matter-of-factly making a point to make eye contact with the people in the room.

 

The room went into a very awkward silence as everyone’s eyes shifted towards me. Even James stopped and his grip tightened slightly, just enough to notice.

 

“What did you talk about?” Steve continued.

“I talked to him about what happened, and I wanted him to know that I was there for him,” I spoke.

“So you’re siding with him?” James asked from behind me, the betrayal evident in his voice.

“No, I agree that we shouldn’t be leashed. What I disagree with is alienating the man, making him feel worse. You all are well aware of his PTSD, but the betrayal of the people he once called friends? I can’t believe you guys want to save everyone on Earth, but you ignore one of the people closest to you who needs your help the most?” I spoke, anger and disappointment tinging my voice.

“You weren’t there,” Steve answered back angrily.

“No, Steve, I wasn’t there. Whatever happened, happened. Who knows how long it would be until he drank himself into a coma? Who knows how long it would take you to figure out that he died? You would never know until you needed something from him. He spends all of his time in that god-forsaken basement, waiting for someone to notice that he is down there. For fuck’s sake people, he is trying. He built James a new arm to try and apologize, but that isn’t enough for you,” I screamed on the brink of tears.

“He put all of us in prison. Rhodey is paralyzed from the waist down because of all of this. This isn’t us ganging up on him for no reason, this is us trying to show that we are pissed because he didn’t side with us,” Clint retorted.

“Is he ever going to be able to make it up to you people? Or is it something that you are going to hold over his head to keep him subservient to you until he dies?” I asked pointedly.

 

The room was silent. No one was making eye contact with me. Tears began to well in my eyes out of anger. 

 

“Y/n, this is more complicated than you think it is,” Natasha spoke up.

“He wasn’t the only one who picked that side of the accords. James told me the team was split, now I don’t know who sided with who, but it seems to me that everyone else was forgiven. Your friend is hurting. If I was here through it all, I would hope that I would get over my own ego to help him,” I said finally and stood up to walk away.

 

“Y/n, please, come back,” I heard James call after me.

 

I continued walking to my room. I understood that whatever happened between them was painful, but  _ hell _ it shouldn’t be enough to force the man to spend all of his time in the basement.

 

_ And for them to defend each other like that. To disregard his feelings because they were too selfish to see anything other than what they wanted to see. _

 

I slammed the door, trying to make a point and crawled into bed. I curled myself up in the blankets and stared at the wall. I waited for sleep to take over me so that this day would be over.

 

I wanted a good first day back with James, but I had decided that I had to go see the obvious black sheep of the little family right now. It was all my fault that this had happened. 

 

I heard the door open. I felt the bed dip behind my back.

 

“Y/n?” James asked quietly.

 

I rolled over and sat up. James sat with his arms open and motioned me to come towards him. I crawled over to him slowly. I wrapped myself around him, feeling the need to cry becoming overwhelming.

 

I started sobbing, but I didn’t want to, I wanted to be strong and stay angry. James began rubbing my back and whispering calming phrases to me, holding me tightly as I cried against his chest. He rocked us both back and forth to calm me.

 

Soon my tears stopped and my breathing evened out. I pulled back from James a bit to see him smiling down at me. I motioned over to the rest of the bed as I yawned and James maneuvered us so we were lying down underneath the covers. I laid half on his chest, his heartbeat giving me a steady rhythm to focus on.

 

“I think you were right to tell them off for isolating Tony,” James whispered as he kissed the top of my head.

 

I smiled and kissed his chest.

 

“Once you left, I told them off too. They had no right to do that to him and they especially had no right to talk to you like that,” James said proudly.

 

“Oh look at you being all protective,” I said looking up at him.

“Only the best for you,” he answered.

 

We both fell asleep together for the first time for a very long time, and it felt so very good to be back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the moment this is going to be a lot of fluffier, filler things. I'm not quite sure where I want to go with this quite yet so some suggestions would be appreciated.
> 
> Also apparently this got a lot of hits while I was casually not checking up on this so thank you all so much for reading.
> 
> Also pt. 2 I feel like a lot of people side with Steve on the whole accords thing (and don't get me wrong, I do too) but there are a lot of repercussions on Tony that we aren't being exposed to and so I wanted to explore that a little bit. I know that we (me and the reader/you) haven't had the best relationship with him but he just needed some metaphorical screen time okay?
> 
> Also pt. 3 ily and let me know what you think
> 
> <3 Sky


End file.
